Monday | May 25, 2015
Iowa Voters Mistakenly Endorse Fictional Character
Voters at one caucus location express support for their darkhorse candidate.

DES MOINES (CAP) - Proving that first is not necessarily best, early returns show a majority of Republican voters taking part in Thursday's Iowa caucuses threw their support behind a fictional character portrayed by actor Bruce Willis in the movie Die Hard and three sequels. Renegade policeman John McClane was the clear winner in all but two caucus locations.

"It appears that voters on the Republican side mistook the rough-neck, foul-mouthed, wife-beater-wearing John McClane for Arizona Sen. John McCain," said Iowa Secretary of State Michael Mauro. "This type of mistake would be much easier to explain if not for the fact that the names of the candidates were correctly preprinted on the ballots.

"This means that almost 32,000 voters actually wrote in the name 'John McClane', even though the name 'John McCain' was printed directly above the write-in line," added Mauro after some thought. "To tell you the truth, this doesn't make much sense."

While many in the press and the other candidates actually running for president echoed Mauro's confusion, not everyone felt that there were necessarily tens of thousands of coincidental mistakes.

"It weren't no mistake," said Republican Party of Iowa Chairman Ray Hoffmann from his office in Sioux City. "John McClane kicks ass, and that's just the kind of leader we need in the White House - an ass-kicker! Yippee Ki-yay!"

"Our voters are dedicated," said Iowa Gov. Chester Culver. "They braved some terrible weather to come out and vote. No one would question that they take their role of 'first in the nation' seriously. That said, they are also, especially on the Republican side, very, very dumb.

"And I'm not just saying that because I'm a Democrat," Culver noted.

Strangely, the Constitution of the United States contains no language specifically prohibiting a fictional character from becoming president, according to CAP News historian Ivan Pullman.

"If we can get the votes we need in New Hampshire," said Hoffmann, "I'm pretty sure that next January we'll be swearing in President McClane and Vice President Argyle!"

- CAP News Staff

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NJ Gov. Chris Christie shuts down Rt 93 in New Hampshire during campaign stops to remind residents why it would be in their interest to elect him president «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» JP Morgan Chase to dismantle Detroit and sell it for parts, saying the demand overseas for after market American cities is strong «» Taylor Swift reveals she was behind extreme censoring of Kanye West song at Billboard Music Awards, telling him "Imma not let you finish" «» ISIS rebels capture another Iraqi city Americans have never heard of but are led to believe is "very important" «» America's homophobes lobby in favor of gay marriage to "keep them off the streets" and protect the sanctity of the bar scene for straight men «» NFL announces plans to give up its law exempt status and will have players stop committing crimes and start obeying the law beginning next season «» Protesters in Baltimore are congratulating themselves on "a job well done" and say Freddie Gray would have wanted nothing more than for them to destroy their hometown and all get arrested «»