Friday | December 19, 2014
Iowa Voters Mistakenly Endorse Fictional Character
Voters at one caucus location express support for their darkhorse candidate.

DES MOINES (CAP) - Proving that first is not necessarily best, early returns show a majority of Republican voters taking part in Thursday's Iowa caucuses threw their support behind a fictional character portrayed by actor Bruce Willis in the movie Die Hard and three sequels. Renegade policeman John McClane was the clear winner in all but two caucus locations.

"It appears that voters on the Republican side mistook the rough-neck, foul-mouthed, wife-beater-wearing John McClane for Arizona Sen. John McCain," said Iowa Secretary of State Michael Mauro. "This type of mistake would be much easier to explain if not for the fact that the names of the candidates were correctly preprinted on the ballots.

"This means that almost 32,000 voters actually wrote in the name 'John McClane', even though the name 'John McCain' was printed directly above the write-in line," added Mauro after some thought. "To tell you the truth, this doesn't make much sense."

While many in the press and the other candidates actually running for president echoed Mauro's confusion, not everyone felt that there were necessarily tens of thousands of coincidental mistakes.

"It weren't no mistake," said Republican Party of Iowa Chairman Ray Hoffmann from his office in Sioux City. "John McClane kicks ass, and that's just the kind of leader we need in the White House - an ass-kicker! Yippee Ki-yay!"

"Our voters are dedicated," said Iowa Gov. Chester Culver. "They braved some terrible weather to come out and vote. No one would question that they take their role of 'first in the nation' seriously. That said, they are also, especially on the Republican side, very, very dumb.

"And I'm not just saying that because I'm a Democrat," Culver noted.

Strangely, the Constitution of the United States contains no language specifically prohibiting a fictional character from becoming president, according to CAP News historian Ivan Pullman.

"If we can get the votes we need in New Hampshire," said Hoffmann, "I'm pretty sure that next January we'll be swearing in President McClane and Vice President Argyle!"

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE politics NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2014 BY CAP NEWS
Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «» Speaker of the House John Boehner admits slipping Joe Biden $20 to pants President Obama to find out if he's a boxers or briefs guy «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «»
Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «» Speaker of the House John Boehner admits slipping Joe Biden $20 to pants President Obama to find out if he's a boxers or briefs guy «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «»