Tuesday | March 31, 2015
Iowa Voters Mistakenly Endorse Fictional Character
Voters at one caucus location express support for their darkhorse candidate.

DES MOINES (CAP) - Proving that first is not necessarily best, early returns show a majority of Republican voters taking part in Thursday's Iowa caucuses threw their support behind a fictional character portrayed by actor Bruce Willis in the movie Die Hard and three sequels. Renegade policeman John McClane was the clear winner in all but two caucus locations.

"It appears that voters on the Republican side mistook the rough-neck, foul-mouthed, wife-beater-wearing John McClane for Arizona Sen. John McCain," said Iowa Secretary of State Michael Mauro. "This type of mistake would be much easier to explain if not for the fact that the names of the candidates were correctly preprinted on the ballots.

"This means that almost 32,000 voters actually wrote in the name 'John McClane', even though the name 'John McCain' was printed directly above the write-in line," added Mauro after some thought. "To tell you the truth, this doesn't make much sense."

While many in the press and the other candidates actually running for president echoed Mauro's confusion, not everyone felt that there were necessarily tens of thousands of coincidental mistakes.

"It weren't no mistake," said Republican Party of Iowa Chairman Ray Hoffmann from his office in Sioux City. "John McClane kicks ass, and that's just the kind of leader we need in the White House - an ass-kicker! Yippee Ki-yay!"

"Our voters are dedicated," said Iowa Gov. Chester Culver. "They braved some terrible weather to come out and vote. No one would question that they take their role of 'first in the nation' seriously. That said, they are also, especially on the Republican side, very, very dumb.

"And I'm not just saying that because I'm a Democrat," Culver noted.

Strangely, the Constitution of the United States contains no language specifically prohibiting a fictional character from becoming president, according to CAP News historian Ivan Pullman.

"If we can get the votes we need in New Hampshire," said Hoffmann, "I'm pretty sure that next January we'll be swearing in President McClane and Vice President Argyle!"

- CAP News Staff

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Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Five senior GOP lawmakers charged with hazing after administering swirlies and bare-buttock paddling on the 12 new freshman senators «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»