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HELENA, Mont. (CAP) - In a stunning move today, the Montana State Senate ratified a controversial new law which bans children from playing the age-old game, "Why are you hitting yourself?"
Popular among American children since the 1930s, the rules of the game are simple: an older sibling sits on top of a younger sibling and then forces the younger child to pummel the living bejesus out of him or herself, all the while chanting rythmically, "Why are you hitting yourself?"
The game then often advances to the more advanced version of "Why are you hitting yourself in the face?" which is then typically followed by a spirited round of "Why are you crying, you little wussy?"
"This game is barbaric and makes no sense," said Democratic Sen. Gerald Pease. "The answer to the question, Why are you hitting yourself? is easy:
"It's because you are much bigger and stronger than me, and you are using my own arm to hit me with so that if someone asks you if you hit me, you can say no and technically you won't be lying," said Pease. "That's hardly fair. With this law, we're leveling the playing field."
"No more of this, do you hear me, Warren?" added Republican Sen. John Esp, apparently referring to his older brother. "And next were going to outlaw that game where you dangle a string of spit over my face and then suck it back in right before it hits me.
"I hate you Warren, I hate you!" Esp added before sobbing uncontrollably.
Several other states are considering similar laws, including Florida, where former Gov. Jeb Bush pushed for such legislation throughout his eight years in office.
"Yeah, old George W, he used to play this game with me, and with Neil and Marvin too," said Bush. "The difference with us is that most stop doing it by 12 or 13 - George was still doing it when he was 34.
"I finally had to ask Daddy to threaten to take away his allowance if he didn't stop, which worked," added Bush, "mainly because he needed the money to support his raging cocaine habit at the time."
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