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Jesus To Santa: Suck It!
Jesus Christ
Jesus To Santa: Suck It!

MIDLAND, Tex. (CAP) - Were he alive today, Jesus Christ would not only be outraged at the commercialization of his birthday, but also furious that people pay more attention to a fictional character named Santa than to him on his special day, according to the leaders of a new but powerful Christian splinter movement called the Help Jesus Church.

"At Christmas time, we should be celebrating the birth of Jesus in that manger in Bethlehem oh so many years ago," said Help Jesus Church head pastor Troy Manning. "But instead, we're at the mall in a fist-fight with our paperboy's dad over the last Nintendo Wii. It's terrible.

"Jesus doesn't get to hear anyone sing Happy Birthday To You. Jesus doesn't get to blow out any birthday candles or make any birthday wishes," added Manning. "I mean, how would you feel if everyone you know not only forgot it was your birthday, but went ahead and gave gifts to each other instead of you on that very same day? It's a downright shame."

"Our basic philosophy is that Jesus is getting hosed," said Church Edler Roland Spriggs. "Ripped off. And not only that, but even if someone did remember that it was his birthday, his birthday is ON Christmas! There's no way he'd end up getting the same amount of gifts or attention as someone whose birthday is not on Christmas.

Jesus To Santa: Suck It!
Santa Claus

"I know what people say," added Spriggs. "We can keep them separate, we can make it special - but you can't. It's all lies. Well, we aim to change that."

According to the Church's educational pamphlet, See You In Hell, Santa, Jesus has appeared to church members in visions, dreams, and in one instance, a bowl of four-alarm chili, each time with the same message: "Give me back my birthday."

Church leaders hope that bringing the media spotlight on this issue is a big first step in solving the problem.

"If we don't do what he wants," said Manning in between bites of chili, "he's going to be really, really mad. And take it from me, you do NOT want to see an angry Jesus. So do yourself a favor - just let him know you care.

"Oh, and if you could get your kid to piss in the lap of a mall Santa, that would be great," Manning noted. "Jesus loves that stuff."


- CAP News Staff

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