Thursday | April 24, 2014
MOST EMAILED
CAUGHT ON FILM
@PaulaDeen #BigotSaysSorry
Paula Deen's new cookbook - buy it wherever fine racist books are sold!
FROM THE VAULT
April 22, 2009
Liberal Gun-Hoarding On The RiseLiberal Gun-Hoarding On The Rise
Fake Advertisement

LOTTERY

Govt Raises Bin Laden Bounty With New Lottery
Govt Raises Bin Laden Bounty With New Lottery

LAWRENCEVILLE, NJ (CAP) - Lottery officials have confirmed that the U.S. government is sanctioning a new lottery game, the proceeds of which will go toward an increased bounty for the capture of Osama bin Laden. Payouts on the Osama bin Lotto game easily exceed $100,000, but scratching off the wrong spot could cost you a finger.

"We needed something to make this game stand out among the thousands that consumers can choose from," said New Jersey Lottery Commission spokesperson Marc Reinart. "So we upped the max payout, increased the frequency of payouts, and added a little risk to make it interesting."

The risk to which Reinart refers is a pinch of powdered incendiary mixed in with the tin-like substance used on the scratch ticket itself. If the player scratches off the wrong spot on the card, the friction ignites the powder and creates a small explosion.

The ACLU has already filed a lawsuit to prevent distribution of the new tickets, saying it's "just another case of the government preying on the poor."

Govt Raises Bin Laden Bounty With New Lottery

"Do rich people buy lottery tickets? No," said ACLU spokesperson Jennifer Whiting. "Do rich people need their fingers? Not as much as poor people, no. And we'll prove it in court."

The game has already featured two winners in a special test run throughout a handful of locations in New Jersey. The first winner, an 18-year-old Jersey City man, collected $250,000 with only the loss of the tip of his index finger. The other winner, a 43-year-old Paterson man, wore heavy gloves while scratching his $100,000 ticket and escaped with only third-degree burns to the back of his hand.

"Our window of opportunity is very small as people will eventually figure out how to game the system," said Reinart. He cited examples of videos posted to Metacafe and Youtube that explain how to use blacklights and metal detectors to figure out which cards have the scratch bombs.

Reinart said when the game rolls out to a dozen other states within the next couple of months, they hope to have the powder formula altered enough to render the so-called "scratch bomb hacks" moot.

"I mean, come on," said Reinart, "isn't that hundred grand just a little bit nicer when you know you've truly earned it?"


- CAP News Staff

MORE u.s. NEWS
Fake Advertisement


Advertise Here

    ALL MATERIAL IS

    SATIRE

    AND ©2005-2014 BY CRYSTAL AIR PRODUCTIONS
    America's biracial families have released a statement condemning new Peanut Butter Cheerios, saying the fury over MSNBC's recent tweet is misplaced. "The real travesty here is that nobody's calling out General Mills for all these craptastic Cheerios flavors they're rolling out," said a spokesperson. "Leave multigrain families out of it." «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie has announced the closure of all exits on the Turnpike whose numerical value is a prime number, but says the move is not politically motivated. "You better know your math before you go driving," he said. "Else you could be in for a very long trip." «» Convicted mobster Whitey Bulger has been sentenced to spend life in prison while his appendages are being nibbled on by rats. "It's not just regular justice, but poetic justice as well," said the prosecutor. "We'll be sure to slather on some Cheez Wiz to make certain he's good and tasty." «» Ohio prisons officials have accidentally given the flu vaccine to death row inmate Ronald Phillips instead of a lethal injection due to a drug mix-up. "We expected to see him writhing in agony, but he's healthy as an ox now," said the warden. "No, he won't be dying anytime soon." «» Fending off calls for her resignation following problems accessing the Obamacare website, Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius has launched an online poker website just to prove she can. "Hey, we're gambling with people's healthcare, so they might as well enjoy some Texas Hold'em while we suck them dry," she noted. «» Maryland Attorney General Douglas Gansler stumbled across a robbery while at the bank yesterday but says he didn't notice it and just went about his business. "In hindsight, the guys wearing masks and brandishing guns should have clued me in," he said. "Thankfully, that's only the second mistake I've made." «» NSA leaker Edward Snowden stopped by the U.S. for a visit, saying he feels safe with the government shut down and nobody working. "Edward who?" said the lone NSA employee in the office. "I can barely keep up with all these wiretaps by myself, let alone chase that guy around." «» The National Weather Service is vowing to engulf America in "the winter from Hell" if the government shutdown doesn't cease and their paychecks resume. "Tornado watches on the East Coast are nothing compared to what we have in store," said one official. "And you thought we just predicted the weather." «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «»
    America's biracial families have released a statement condemning new Peanut Butter Cheerios, saying the fury over MSNBC's recent tweet is misplaced. "The real travesty here is that nobody's calling out General Mills for all these craptastic Cheerios flavors they're rolling out," said a spokesperson. "Leave multigrain families out of it." «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie has announced the closure of all exits on the Turnpike whose numerical value is a prime number, but says the move is not politically motivated. "You better know your math before you go driving," he said. "Else you could be in for a very long trip." «» Convicted mobster Whitey Bulger has been sentenced to spend life in prison while his appendages are being nibbled on by rats. "It's not just regular justice, but poetic justice as well," said the prosecutor. "We'll be sure to slather on some Cheez Wiz to make certain he's good and tasty." «» Ohio prisons officials have accidentally given the flu vaccine to death row inmate Ronald Phillips instead of a lethal injection due to a drug mix-up. "We expected to see him writhing in agony, but he's healthy as an ox now," said the warden. "No, he won't be dying anytime soon." «» Fending off calls for her resignation following problems accessing the Obamacare website, Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius has launched an online poker website just to prove she can. "Hey, we're gambling with people's healthcare, so they might as well enjoy some Texas Hold'em while we suck them dry," she noted. «» Maryland Attorney General Douglas Gansler stumbled across a robbery while at the bank yesterday but says he didn't notice it and just went about his business. "In hindsight, the guys wearing masks and brandishing guns should have clued me in," he said. "Thankfully, that's only the second mistake I've made." «» NSA leaker Edward Snowden stopped by the U.S. for a visit, saying he feels safe with the government shut down and nobody working. "Edward who?" said the lone NSA employee in the office. "I can barely keep up with all these wiretaps by myself, let alone chase that guy around." «» The National Weather Service is vowing to engulf America in "the winter from Hell" if the government shutdown doesn't cease and their paychecks resume. "Tornado watches on the East Coast are nothing compared to what we have in store," said one official. "And you thought we just predicted the weather." «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «»