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Obama Vows To Outlaw Stupid Corporate Buzz Words
CHICAGO (CAP) - In a speech today before a gathering of business leaders from across the country, presidential hopeful Barak Obama vowed that if he is elected, he will outlaw the use of stupid corporate buzz words that have been clogging the arteries of commerce for decades.
"These buzz words are killing you, our business leaders," said Obama at the Fortune Magazine Movers And Shakers Of 2007 conference. "People walk around the office mocking you, laughing at you. Your name itself becomes a punch-line."
Asked to elaborate on exactly what type of "buzz words" to which he was referring, Obama was quick to respond.
"Right-sizing. Knowledge acquisition. 30,000-foot view. Unsiloing. Process-flow analysis. Value-added. Bottom-line. Reinvent the wheel. Dynamic metrics. Integrated efficiencies. Synergistic interfaces. Plug-and-play. Notwithstanding. That said. Turn-key solution." Obama paused for emphasis.
"These are all words and phrases that dumb people use to sound smart. It's ludicrous. I mean, if you are in a meeting and you say From a 30,000 foot view, this looks like a great idea, aren't you just saying that you are too stupid to look at the details of the proposal to figure out if it will actually work? Your employees lose all respect for you.
"That's why when I take my chair in the Oval Office, one of my first orders of business will be to outlaw these inane words and phrases," he added as the applause built. "I'm really just saving you from yourselves, you morons."
According to University of North Dakota language professor Ed Donatello, Obama is not the first public figure to speak out against the onslaught of buzz words.
"Shecky Greene did a whole bit about how stupid these buzz words were as part of his Vegas act back in the late '80s," said Donatello. "Audiences loved it. People really love it when comedians make fun of other people that are much richer and more successful than they are. It's cathartic."
Rhonda Bennett of the National Council of Leadership issued a strongly worded statement objecting to Obama's plan.
"How does Barak plan to embrace strategic relationships and team-build with the business community when he's attacking us like this," said Bennett. "They say you can't throw the baby out with the bathwater, but if you lead a horse to the same water, can you not make him drink?
"I really feel like a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, and if this man plans to be our next president, he will need to learn that integrated metrics and dynamic efficiencies are key to the success of this country. Intuitive. Benchmark. Cross-platform. Leverage!" Bennett said vehemently.
No comment has been issued by the Republican party, due mainly to the fact that most of the words they would use were on Obama's list.
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