Thursday | March 28, 2024
Hillary Joins Borg Collective

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The campaign of Democratic presidential front-runner Hillary Rodham Clinton announced today that the candidate has joined a Borg collective. The announcement confirms rumors that have been circulating since pictures showing Clinton as a Borg began appearing two weeks ago.

"A vote for Hillary Rodham Clinton is a vote for the collective," said Clinton spokeswoman Marcia St. John from Clinton's new big square campaign headquarters in New York City. "You're not just getting one mind with Hillary, you're getting a whole bunch of them, able to embrace all aspects of an issue simultaneously. Eat that, Barack."

Political analysts see the move as a sign that the Clinton campaign is seeking to address her recent slide in the polls.

"How do you address a slip in the inevitability meme? Resistance is futile is a start," said Mark Manning, associate professor of Political Science at Rutgers. "It may actually be a brilliant move. Many prominent Democrats - Gore for example - have already been assimilated. Many others - Kucinich, Kennedy - are being intentionally kept out of the collective to keep it from getting too moon-batty. It definitely bears watching."

Many voters will be surprised to learn that Borg collectives exist at all. Begun in the mid-1990's and inspired by the Star Trek Next Generation television series, Borg collectives have been springing up at college campuses and academic think-tanks around the world. While still in their infancy, such collectives are combining the best and the brightest in the fields of mechanical engineering, robotics, biology and genetics to create linked communities that share a single consciousness.

Clinton's collective, called simply The Hillary, has amassed enough corporate backing (many of Clinton's primary implants have been funded by insurance, medical and tech industry interests) to make it one of the largest and most influential collective operations in the country.

While many are unsure how all this will play in Iowa, where collectives tend more towards dairy than Borg, Clinton's dedicated supporters could not be happier.

"Hillary v 2.0, oh man!" said one New Hampshire supporter at a recent Clinton campaign stop. "When the sunshine hits her metal parts, it's like looking at a star. Iran, prepare to be assimilated!"

Even prospective First Man Bill Clinton seems pleased with the recent upgrades.

"Let me tell you something, once you've had robotic vagina, you'll never go back, you know what I mean?" the former President told CAP News.

The campaigns of both John Edwards and Barack Obama declined to comment on this development at this time.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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