Tuesday | September 1, 2015
OJ Misinterprets Double-Jeopardy, Pleads Guilty

LAS VEGAS (CAP) - In a stunning development today, OJ Simpson entered a guilty plea to answer the kidnapping and robbery charges he's facing in Nevada, claiming that the legal rule of "double jeopardy" would protect him from having to do any jail time.

"I already got found not guilty back in 1995," said Simpson at a press conference without his lawyers. "So they can't come after me again, no matter what I say. So yeah, I did it, I busted into that hotel room and took my stuff back.

"See, I can say that, and they can't touch me," said Simpson as he grew visibly excited. "Double jeopardy, Alex, and I'll take 'OJ Walks Again' for $800!"

Upon receiving news of the guilty plea, the Las Vegas District Attorney's office issued a statement saying that they were "ecstatic." The statement further said that "this admission of guilt by Mr. Simpson certainly makes our job much, much easier. We can now move right to the sentencing phase of the proceedings, and we can guarantee that this individual will serve a long, well deserved prison sentence."

Yale law professor Amanda Reagan said Simpson made a mistake common among the criminal element. However, she said what sets Simpson apart is the fact that he didn't first consult with his lawyers.

"Double jeopardy does not mean that once you've been acquitted of one crime that you can never be charged with another. That would just be absurd," said Reagan during a phone interview with CAP News. "Simpson's fatal flaw here was just plain old stupidity if you ask me, which I guess you did, which is why I'm telling you."

Reached at the annual Famous Lances convention in Phoenix, Judge Lance Ito, who presided over Simpson's murder trial in 1995, expressed delight at the turn of events, saying he knew it was just a matter of time "before that a-hole slipped up."

"I was just telling Lance Armstrong and Lance Burton what a tool OJ is," said Ito, "and now he's gone and shot himself in the foot - or should I say, he's slashed his own throat!

"Oops, gotta go," added Ito, "Lance Bass is starting up a conga line!"

Simpson is expected to be sentenced in the Las Vegas case next month.

- CAP News Staff

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Taylor Swift says she plans to try speed dating because she's short on time and wants to pull together material for a new album «» Kim Kardashian announces she is pregnant, says she and Kanye plan to name the baby SXSW «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «»