Wednesday | April 1, 2015
OJ Misinterprets Double-Jeopardy, Pleads Guilty

LAS VEGAS (CAP) - In a stunning development today, OJ Simpson entered a guilty plea to answer the kidnapping and robbery charges he's facing in Nevada, claiming that the legal rule of "double jeopardy" would protect him from having to do any jail time.

"I already got found not guilty back in 1995," said Simpson at a press conference without his lawyers. "So they can't come after me again, no matter what I say. So yeah, I did it, I busted into that hotel room and took my stuff back.

"See, I can say that, and they can't touch me," said Simpson as he grew visibly excited. "Double jeopardy, Alex, and I'll take 'OJ Walks Again' for $800!"

Upon receiving news of the guilty plea, the Las Vegas District Attorney's office issued a statement saying that they were "ecstatic." The statement further said that "this admission of guilt by Mr. Simpson certainly makes our job much, much easier. We can now move right to the sentencing phase of the proceedings, and we can guarantee that this individual will serve a long, well deserved prison sentence."

Yale law professor Amanda Reagan said Simpson made a mistake common among the criminal element. However, she said what sets Simpson apart is the fact that he didn't first consult with his lawyers.

"Double jeopardy does not mean that once you've been acquitted of one crime that you can never be charged with another. That would just be absurd," said Reagan during a phone interview with CAP News. "Simpson's fatal flaw here was just plain old stupidity if you ask me, which I guess you did, which is why I'm telling you."

Reached at the annual Famous Lances convention in Phoenix, Judge Lance Ito, who presided over Simpson's murder trial in 1995, expressed delight at the turn of events, saying he knew it was just a matter of time "before that a-hole slipped up."

"I was just telling Lance Armstrong and Lance Burton what a tool OJ is," said Ito, "and now he's gone and shot himself in the foot - or should I say, he's slashed his own throat!

"Oops, gotta go," added Ito, "Lance Bass is starting up a conga line!"

Simpson is expected to be sentenced in the Las Vegas case next month.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE showbiz NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «» The X-Files returning to Fox with all-new characters E-Cigarette Man, Dentures Man, and Edward Snowden as leader of the reconstituted Lone Gunmen «» AC-DC accepts invite to play Coachella 2015, requests to be off stage by 7pm before they become "cranky and irritable" from being up too late «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «»
Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «» The X-Files returning to Fox with all-new characters E-Cigarette Man, Dentures Man, and Edward Snowden as leader of the reconstituted Lone Gunmen «» AC-DC accepts invite to play Coachella 2015, requests to be off stage by 7pm before they become "cranky and irritable" from being up too late «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «»