Monday | April 27, 2015
OJ Misinterprets Double-Jeopardy, Pleads Guilty

LAS VEGAS (CAP) - In a stunning development today, OJ Simpson entered a guilty plea to answer the kidnapping and robbery charges he's facing in Nevada, claiming that the legal rule of "double jeopardy" would protect him from having to do any jail time.

"I already got found not guilty back in 1995," said Simpson at a press conference without his lawyers. "So they can't come after me again, no matter what I say. So yeah, I did it, I busted into that hotel room and took my stuff back.

"See, I can say that, and they can't touch me," said Simpson as he grew visibly excited. "Double jeopardy, Alex, and I'll take 'OJ Walks Again' for $800!"

Upon receiving news of the guilty plea, the Las Vegas District Attorney's office issued a statement saying that they were "ecstatic." The statement further said that "this admission of guilt by Mr. Simpson certainly makes our job much, much easier. We can now move right to the sentencing phase of the proceedings, and we can guarantee that this individual will serve a long, well deserved prison sentence."

Yale law professor Amanda Reagan said Simpson made a mistake common among the criminal element. However, she said what sets Simpson apart is the fact that he didn't first consult with his lawyers.

"Double jeopardy does not mean that once you've been acquitted of one crime that you can never be charged with another. That would just be absurd," said Reagan during a phone interview with CAP News. "Simpson's fatal flaw here was just plain old stupidity if you ask me, which I guess you did, which is why I'm telling you."

Reached at the annual Famous Lances convention in Phoenix, Judge Lance Ito, who presided over Simpson's murder trial in 1995, expressed delight at the turn of events, saying he knew it was just a matter of time "before that a-hole slipped up."

"I was just telling Lance Armstrong and Lance Burton what a tool OJ is," said Ito, "and now he's gone and shot himself in the foot - or should I say, he's slashed his own throat!

"Oops, gotta go," added Ito, "Lance Bass is starting up a conga line!"

Simpson is expected to be sentenced in the Las Vegas case next month.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE showbiz NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «» Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «»
Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «» Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «»