Friday | March 27, 2015
President Bush Denounces Surfboarding
President Bush on vacation in Hawaii (CAP File Photo)

WASHINGTON (CAP) - President Bush is breaking from party ranks and has declared he is taking a stand against what he calls "the unfathable [sic] and unhumane practice of surfboarding." Bush's comments came during an impromptu press conference on the White House lawn.

"I read the Internets, I've seen the long-term effects of surfboarding," Bush told reporters. "Sand that won't come out of the hair, losing a limb or two to a shark, having to pee in your wetsuit.

"I want to assure the American people that we do not condone the act of surfboarding," Bush added. "Not now, not never."

Congressional Democrats and indeed a number of Republicans have already denounced Bush's denouncement as preposterous, saying that at a time when most of their state has burned to the ground, the President should not be taking away the one thing that Californians are good at.

"What's next, Mr President? Are you going to take away my Jan and Dean records as well?" decried Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-CA) on the Senate floor. "Or perhaps you want to tell the kids they can't watch Gidget reruns anymore."

Political pundits on both sides of the aisle are noting that because President Bush has turned a previous non-issue into an agenda item, it's likely to remain a hot topic for the 2008 elections - and more immediately, Judge Michael Mukasey's nomination to the post of Attorney General.

"Personally, I find surfboarding to be repugnant," Mukasey told the CAP News reporter who cornered him outside his office. "But I can't say if it should be illegal because I have not yet been briefed on the practice of surfboarding in order to make a determination regarding the illegality of such.

"If surfboarding is illegal, then illegalities are not Constitutional," Mukasey added.

Meanwhile, a measure moving through the House of Representatives would also make it illegal for the President to take a word normally reserved for use as a noun and begin using it as a verb without written authorization from Congress.

- CAP News Staff

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Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Five senior GOP lawmakers charged with hazing after administering swirlies and bare-buttock paddling on the 12 new freshman senators «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»