Tuesday | May 24, 2016
President Bush Denounces Surfboarding
President Bush on vacation in Hawaii (CAP File Photo)

WASHINGTON (CAP) - President Bush is breaking from party ranks and has declared he is taking a stand against what he calls "the unfathable [sic] and unhumane practice of surfboarding." Bush's comments came during an impromptu press conference on the White House lawn.

"I read the Internets, I've seen the long-term effects of surfboarding," Bush told reporters. "Sand that won't come out of the hair, losing a limb or two to a shark, having to pee in your wetsuit.

"I want to assure the American people that we do not condone the act of surfboarding," Bush added. "Not now, not never."

Congressional Democrats and indeed a number of Republicans have already denounced Bush's denouncement as preposterous, saying that at a time when most of their state has burned to the ground, the President should not be taking away the one thing that Californians are good at.

"What's next, Mr President? Are you going to take away my Jan and Dean records as well?" decried Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-CA) on the Senate floor. "Or perhaps you want to tell the kids they can't watch Gidget reruns anymore."

Political pundits on both sides of the aisle are noting that because President Bush has turned a previous non-issue into an agenda item, it's likely to remain a hot topic for the 2008 elections - and more immediately, Judge Michael Mukasey's nomination to the post of Attorney General.

"Personally, I find surfboarding to be repugnant," Mukasey told the CAP News reporter who cornered him outside his office. "But I can't say if it should be illegal because I have not yet been briefed on the practice of surfboarding in order to make a determination regarding the illegality of such.

"If surfboarding is illegal, then illegalities are not Constitutional," Mukasey added.

Meanwhile, a measure moving through the House of Representatives would also make it illegal for the President to take a word normally reserved for use as a noun and begin using it as a verb without written authorization from Congress.

- CAP News Staff

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