Saturday | December 20, 2014
President Bush Denounces Surfboarding
President Bush on vacation in Hawaii (CAP File Photo)

WASHINGTON (CAP) - President Bush is breaking from party ranks and has declared he is taking a stand against what he calls "the unfathable [sic] and unhumane practice of surfboarding." Bush's comments came during an impromptu press conference on the White House lawn.

"I read the Internets, I've seen the long-term effects of surfboarding," Bush told reporters. "Sand that won't come out of the hair, losing a limb or two to a shark, having to pee in your wetsuit.

"I want to assure the American people that we do not condone the act of surfboarding," Bush added. "Not now, not never."

Congressional Democrats and indeed a number of Republicans have already denounced Bush's denouncement as preposterous, saying that at a time when most of their state has burned to the ground, the President should not be taking away the one thing that Californians are good at.

"What's next, Mr President? Are you going to take away my Jan and Dean records as well?" decried Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-CA) on the Senate floor. "Or perhaps you want to tell the kids they can't watch Gidget reruns anymore."

Political pundits on both sides of the aisle are noting that because President Bush has turned a previous non-issue into an agenda item, it's likely to remain a hot topic for the 2008 elections - and more immediately, Judge Michael Mukasey's nomination to the post of Attorney General.

"Personally, I find surfboarding to be repugnant," Mukasey told the CAP News reporter who cornered him outside his office. "But I can't say if it should be illegal because I have not yet been briefed on the practice of surfboarding in order to make a determination regarding the illegality of such.

"If surfboarding is illegal, then illegalities are not Constitutional," Mukasey added.

Meanwhile, a measure moving through the House of Representatives would also make it illegal for the President to take a word normally reserved for use as a noun and begin using it as a verb without written authorization from Congress.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE politics NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2014 BY CAP NEWS
Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «» Speaker of the House John Boehner admits slipping Joe Biden $20 to pants President Obama to find out if he's a boxers or briefs guy «» North Pole mainframe hacked and Kim Jong-un's name moved to 'Good' list; North Korea denies responsibility «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «»
Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «» Speaker of the House John Boehner admits slipping Joe Biden $20 to pants President Obama to find out if he's a boxers or briefs guy «» North Pole mainframe hacked and Kim Jong-un's name moved to 'Good' list; North Korea denies responsibility «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «»