Friday | August 26, 2016
Bush Administration To Move Kurds To Alaska

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Seeking to bolster its reputation as the planet's foremost proponent of peace, the Bush administration yesterday announced plans to solve a conflict that has been simmering for centuries. While novel and breathtaking in its approach, the solution may prove to be a hard sell to all parties involved.

"We propose to settle the Kurds on one of Alaska's Aleutian Islands," announced Sec. of State Condoleezza Rice when asked about the recent destabilizing events in Pakistan. "We shall call it Kurdaleut (pronounced kird-a-lute), and it shall become a beloved territory of the United States, much like that Puerto Rican place."

The history of antagonism between the Kurds in Iraq and their Turkish neighbor to the west goes back centuries, perhaps even eons. Cave painting recently discovered in Hankari, Turkey, show what many historians believe to be cavemen Turks sneaking up on cavemen Kurds and bopping them on the heads with clubs. The conflict even touched America's early shores, with one Kurd, Jebediah Abdullah Jones, coming to the New World on the Mayflower and, according to some experts, being the first to suggest that turkey be served at the original Thanksgiving feast.

While Turkey has expressed support for some aspects of the administration's plan to end the long-time conflict - most notably the provision that would drag the Kurds three to four continents away - others have expressed some reservations.

"Fuck no. Are you fucking kidding me? Fucking Alaska?" said one Mosul Kurd who asked not to be identified. Native Alaskans seem rather cool to the idea as well, with Sen. Ted Stevens vowing to fight any attempt to carve off a piece of Alaska for a Kurdish homeland.

"At this time, the senator would vehemently oppose any such action," said a Stevens' spokesman. "No one yet has offered to build the senator, say, a new deck, or maybe a nice solarium for his house. The scent of fresh cedar does much to enhance an old lawmaker's mood, if you catch my drift."

While it has promised to hear all sides of the issue, the White House has nonetheless begun plans to relocate the Kurds and make their island nation of Kurdaleut habitable. CAP News has learned that 12,000 railroad boxcars have been reserved to facilitate the move. Meanwhile, oil giants ExxonMobil and BPAmoco have begun moving virtually their whole fleet of oil drilling platforms to the waters off Kurdaleut to help probe the ocean's floor to find the most stable shipping lanes for the fledgling country's new Kurdacove harbor.

"Many people think that if the water's deep enough, that's all you need for a good shipping lane, but that's just not true," said Lance Devon, Exploration and Development VP at ExxonMobil. "We are volunteering our rigs free of charge for as long as it takes. If we have to spend years drilling into every square meter of ocean floor off the Aleutians in search of the perfect shipping lanes, we are prepared to do just that."

Speaking at a ceremony for the 2007 Recipients of the Presidential Medal of Freedom on Monday, President Bush applauded the oil companies' patriotic commitment to Middle Eastern stability and predicted a bright future for Kurdaleut.

"It shall become a beloved territory of the United States, much like that Puerto Potty [sic] place," the President said.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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