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SALT LAKE CITY (CAP) -Doctors are expressing cautious optimism following Marie Osmond's recent fainting spell during a live episode of ABC's Dancing With The Stars. Initial tests do not seem to indicate any major medical problems, which is good news for the 48-year-old mother of eight.
Good news for Marie, but terrible news for Republican Presidential candidate and fellow Mormon Mitt Romney.
"We've long speculated that Mr. Romney's run may have a detrimental effect on the spiritual body of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and this is probably the most significant piece of evidence yet that such an effect may indeed be occurring," said Loyola Religious Mechanics professor Roy Buck. "Even before Marie hit the floor, I was thinking, Wow, the Mormons are fucked."
According to Professor Buck, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints creates its own spiritual material that binds the Mormon community together. This material - coined 'mormonite' by Professor Buck and his graduate students - provides strength to individual members, increasing or ebbing within them based upon their needs at any given moment.
"The problem began when Romney entered the Presidential race and began channeling vast amounts of his own mormonite into his campaign," Buck said. "This drew from everyone else in the church, weakening them considerably. My fear is that so long as Romney's campaign continues, the Mormons will continue to suffer.
"Think fewer missionaries knocking on your door, the whole state of Utah becoming dull and lifeless," Buck added. "It's a scary thought."
The church for its part is starting to take Professor Buck's warning seriously. Elder Henry L. Sampon told CAP News that they have begun educating their flock on the dangers of a weakened Mormon spirituality.
"We call it the 'force' after that movie, sort of as an attempt to attract the young folks to our ministry," Elder Sampon said with a smile. "We tell our people be kind to the force. Hold off on strenuous exercise and the like - well, except for the breeding, of course. Nurture the force until after the primaries or, God willing, the general election."
Elder Sampon's advice for Marie Osmond: pound a couple of power bars prior to her next date on the dance floor. And as for Mitt Romney?
"Brother Mitt, we wish you all the best of luck, but seriously: don't Bogart the mormonite."
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