Friday | December 19, 2014
Bush Was Just Kidding, Had Fingers Crossed

WASHINGTON (CAP) - In what is considered to be one of the more candid press briefings of the Bush administration, White House Press Secretary Dana Perino yesterday told reporters President Bush was "just kidding" when he asked Texas to revisit the death penalty case of convicted murderer Jose Medellin.

"The President apologizes for the shock and outrage he has caused by this misunderstanding," Perino told reporters. "But the fact of the matter is that he had his fingers crossed behind his back when he made that statement.

"So he clearly meant the opposite of what he actually said," added Perino.

Perino further said that President Bush also had his fingers crossed when he vetoed legislation that would have expanded the State Children's Health Insurance Program, as well as when he said the United States does not torture people and that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction.

"But I really do mean it when I say I want our troops home as soon as possible, safe and sound," Bush later said from the Oval Office. "Wait, what's this? See? I have my fingers crossed, see? Heh heh."

However, Bush did acknowledge that things in Iraq haven't quite gone as intended and as such, he plans to take the first "do over" of his presidency. He then followed that with a spirited round of "one potato, two potato" before heading off to see the White House physician about a cooties shot.

"This really does change everything," said noted presidential historian Nate Meschel. "Instead of the linguistically challenged idiot we think we know, turns out he's actually a very shrewd man who's more in control of this game than we'll ever know.

"If it's possible to actually re-write history," added Meschel, "then President Bush has done that."

Members of the press corps are in negotiation with the White House for the President to hold at least one press conference per week where his hands remain in full view at all times. However, the administration refuses to make any admission about the state of Bush's toes during those press conferences.

- CAP News Staff

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Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «» Speaker of the House John Boehner admits slipping Joe Biden $20 to pants President Obama to find out if he's a boxers or briefs guy «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «»