Tuesday | March 31, 2015
Bush Was Just Kidding, Had Fingers Crossed

WASHINGTON (CAP) - In what is considered to be one of the more candid press briefings of the Bush administration, White House Press Secretary Dana Perino yesterday told reporters President Bush was "just kidding" when he asked Texas to revisit the death penalty case of convicted murderer Jose Medellin.

"The President apologizes for the shock and outrage he has caused by this misunderstanding," Perino told reporters. "But the fact of the matter is that he had his fingers crossed behind his back when he made that statement.

"So he clearly meant the opposite of what he actually said," added Perino.

Perino further said that President Bush also had his fingers crossed when he vetoed legislation that would have expanded the State Children's Health Insurance Program, as well as when he said the United States does not torture people and that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction.

"But I really do mean it when I say I want our troops home as soon as possible, safe and sound," Bush later said from the Oval Office. "Wait, what's this? See? I have my fingers crossed, see? Heh heh."

However, Bush did acknowledge that things in Iraq haven't quite gone as intended and as such, he plans to take the first "do over" of his presidency. He then followed that with a spirited round of "one potato, two potato" before heading off to see the White House physician about a cooties shot.

"This really does change everything," said noted presidential historian Nate Meschel. "Instead of the linguistically challenged idiot we think we know, turns out he's actually a very shrewd man who's more in control of this game than we'll ever know.

"If it's possible to actually re-write history," added Meschel, "then President Bush has done that."

Members of the press corps are in negotiation with the White House for the President to hold at least one press conference per week where his hands remain in full view at all times. However, the administration refuses to make any admission about the state of Bush's toes during those press conferences.

- CAP News Staff

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Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Five senior GOP lawmakers charged with hazing after administering swirlies and bare-buttock paddling on the 12 new freshman senators «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»