Tuesday | April 28, 2015
Bush Was Just Kidding, Had Fingers Crossed

WASHINGTON (CAP) - In what is considered to be one of the more candid press briefings of the Bush administration, White House Press Secretary Dana Perino yesterday told reporters President Bush was "just kidding" when he asked Texas to revisit the death penalty case of convicted murderer Jose Medellin.

"The President apologizes for the shock and outrage he has caused by this misunderstanding," Perino told reporters. "But the fact of the matter is that he had his fingers crossed behind his back when he made that statement.

"So he clearly meant the opposite of what he actually said," added Perino.

Perino further said that President Bush also had his fingers crossed when he vetoed legislation that would have expanded the State Children's Health Insurance Program, as well as when he said the United States does not torture people and that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction.

"But I really do mean it when I say I want our troops home as soon as possible, safe and sound," Bush later said from the Oval Office. "Wait, what's this? See? I have my fingers crossed, see? Heh heh."

However, Bush did acknowledge that things in Iraq haven't quite gone as intended and as such, he plans to take the first "do over" of his presidency. He then followed that with a spirited round of "one potato, two potato" before heading off to see the White House physician about a cooties shot.

"This really does change everything," said noted presidential historian Nate Meschel. "Instead of the linguistically challenged idiot we think we know, turns out he's actually a very shrewd man who's more in control of this game than we'll ever know.

"If it's possible to actually re-write history," added Meschel, "then President Bush has done that."

Members of the press corps are in negotiation with the White House for the President to hold at least one press conference per week where his hands remain in full view at all times. However, the administration refuses to make any admission about the state of Bush's toes during those press conferences.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE politics NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «»
Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «»