Wednesday | April 1, 2015
NCAA Bans All Rules From Sports
NCAA President Mark Emmert explains how the new approach to collegiate sports will benefit everyone.

INDIANAPOLIS (CAP) - The National Collegiate Athletic Association announced today that fair play and sportsmanship have been ruled obsolete, and that effective January 1, all college athletes will be encouraged to compete to win "by any means necessary."

"Who's to say what's really even fair any more?" said Playing Rules Oversight Panel Chairman Robert L. Halvaks. "It's the winners who get all the money, it's the winners who get all the press, it's the winners who get all the chicks - or dudes, if that's what you're into."

In their statement, the NCAA has confirmed that they are banning all rules from all forms of intercollegiate athletic competition. In addition, performance-enhancing substances will no longer be outlawed, and athletes will be encouraged to use any outside devices or technology that might enhance their advantage.

"You want to ride a motorcycle instead of running in a 100 meter dash?" said NCAA President Mark Emmert. "Go for it! You want to put pneumatic pistons in your sneakers so you can dunk? Absolutely! Imagine how many more wrestling matches you'd win if you use a stun gun on your opponents."

Northeastern University's Center For The Study Of Sport In Society, long an advocate of such fair play, said the NCAA is simply reflecting the new demands of society and its win-at-any-cost attitude.

"Look at all the greats in professional sports. Barry Bonds, cheater. Jason Giambi, cheater. Marion Jones, Bill Belichick, Floyd Landis - all cheaters," noted Center Director Dave Czesniuk. "We are doing our children an injustice by not preparing them for competition at the next level, where it's clear everyone is just cheating to win."

To that end, the NCAA is also encouraging the National High School Athletic Council and the American Association for Elementary School Physical Education, along with Little League USA and the Junior Olympics, to drop all rules and regulations in their related sports.

"Come on," said Brand. "Let's see what these kids are capable of when they're not held back by stupid rules."

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE sports NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to have leg replacement surgery, expects to be back in time for playoffs «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «» Newly released Mueller report says NFL did not even know Ray Rice had a girlfriend, thought he was beating up a hooker in the elevator «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie seeking bids from NFL owners to be their super fan during upcoming playoff games, vows to jump around like a jackass if team wins «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»
NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to have leg replacement surgery, expects to be back in time for playoffs «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «» Newly released Mueller report says NFL did not even know Ray Rice had a girlfriend, thought he was beating up a hooker in the elevator «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie seeking bids from NFL owners to be their super fan during upcoming playoff games, vows to jump around like a jackass if team wins «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»