INDIANAPOLIS (CAP) - The National Collegiate Athletic Association announced today that fair play and sportsmanship have been ruled obsolete, and that effective January 1, all college athletes will be encouraged to compete to win "by any means necessary."
"Who's to say what's really even fair any more?" said Playing Rules Oversight Panel Chairman Robert L. Halvaks. "It's the winners who get all the money, it's the winners who get all the press, it's the winners who get all the chicks - or dudes, if that's what you're into."
In their statement, the NCAA has confirmed that they are banning all rules from all forms of intercollegiate athletic competition. In addition, performance-enhancing substances will no longer be outlawed, and athletes will be encouraged to use any outside devices or technology that might enhance their advantage.
"You want to ride a motorcycle instead of running in a 100 meter dash?" said NCAA President Mark Emmert. "Go for it! You want to put pneumatic pistons in your sneakers so you can dunk? Absolutely! Imagine how many more wrestling matches you'd win if you use a stun gun on your opponents."
Northeastern University's Center For The Study Of Sport In Society, long an advocate of such fair play, said the NCAA is simply reflecting the new demands of society and its win-at-any-cost attitude.
"Look at all the greats in professional sports. Barry Bonds, cheater. Jason Giambi, cheater. Marion Jones, Bill Belichick, Floyd Landis - all cheaters," noted Center Director Dave Czesniuk. "We are doing our children an injustice by not preparing them for competition at the next level, where it's clear everyone is just cheating to win."
To that end, the NCAA is also encouraging the National High School Athletic Council and the American Association for Elementary School Physical Education, along with Little League USA and the Junior Olympics, to drop all rules and regulations in their related sports.
"Come on," said Brand. "Let's see what these kids are capable of when they're not held back by stupid rules."
- CAP News Staff