Friday | April 18, 2014
MOST EMAILED
CAUGHT ON FILM
@JimInhofe #GovernmentBaleOuts
A couple pro-pitchfork activists fight anti-pitchfork legislation during a recent rally in Washington, DC.
FROM THE VAULT
April 19, 2007
Clinton Allocates Campaign Funds For Breast AugmentationClinton Allocates Campaign Funds For Breast Augmentation
Fake Advertisement

RELIGION

McCain Pushes To Put Jesus On Dollar Bill

McCain Pushes To Put Jesus On Dollar Bill

SALT LAKE CITY (CAP) - Republican Presidential candidate John McCain today called upon the United States to pay homage to its alleged Christian roots by replacing George Washington on the $1 bill with a more appropriate image, that of Jesus Christ.

The plea surprised some political analysts, who had assumed that McCain's reference to the U.S. as a 'Christian nation' in a recent Beliefnet interview was nothing more than pandering to the base.

"I dunno, maybe he did get loopy for the Lord somewhere out there on the Straight-Talk Express," one reporter told CAP News. "I had to cover that thing for two days in June, and I know I was praying to get the hell off."

Speaking at the annual Cattlemen for Christ convention in Salt Lake City, McCain said that his first act upon becoming President would be to sign into law a provision that would strip the $1 bill of the country's famous founder and replace it with "the nation's true spiritual founder, our Lord Jesus Christ."

"The beautiful thing about the $1 bill is that even the poor can afford them, just like they can afford the teachings of Jesus," McCain said to boisterous mooing. "Some think we should call it Messiah Money or Christ Cash, but I'm personally in favor of a shift in emphasis, from the one dollar bill to The One dollar bill."

While critics were quick to quietly question McCain's motives and the costs associated with such a massive overhaul of the nation's most popular currency bill, McCain's fellow Republican Presidential candidates were left scrambling to one-up the senator with their own monetary proposals.

The race's only Mormon, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney, said he would put a smiling Jesus on multiple bills, noting, "I want to see the same thing when I open my wallet as I do when I open my bedroom door: many smiling faces."

For former New York mayor and terrorism-survivor Rudy Giuliani, Jesus would only adorn the $20 bill.

"What is 20? 9+11. Need I say more?" Giuliani said.

Bypassing Jesus entirely and heading right to the nation's first Republican saint, Fred Thompson would put a picture of Ronald Reagan on "some bill, I don't know, we're looking into it."


- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

MORE u.s. NEWS
  • Texas To Execute 15 For Charity

    Gov. Perry denies that he plans to televise the event for a new Fox reality show entitled, "So You Wanna Execute A Criminal?" to air during Obama's next speech.

  • NSA Wiretaps Own Break Room, Nabs Lunch Thief

    However, the agency still hasn't been able to determine who's been stealing their office supplies or using all the toilet paper without at least replacing the roll.

Fake Advertisement


Advertise Here

    ALL MATERIAL IS

    SATIRE

    AND ©2005-2014 BY CRYSTAL AIR PRODUCTIONS
    America's biracial families have released a statement condemning new Peanut Butter Cheerios, saying the fury over MSNBC's recent tweet is misplaced. "The real travesty here is that nobody's calling out General Mills for all these craptastic Cheerios flavors they're rolling out," said a spokesperson. "Leave multigrain families out of it." «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie has announced the closure of all exits on the Turnpike whose numerical value is a prime number, but says the move is not politically motivated. "You better know your math before you go driving," he said. "Else you could be in for a very long trip." «» Convicted mobster Whitey Bulger has been sentenced to spend life in prison while his appendages are being nibbled on by rats. "It's not just regular justice, but poetic justice as well," said the prosecutor. "We'll be sure to slather on some Cheez Wiz to make certain he's good and tasty." «» Ohio prisons officials have accidentally given the flu vaccine to death row inmate Ronald Phillips instead of a lethal injection due to a drug mix-up. "We expected to see him writhing in agony, but he's healthy as an ox now," said the warden. "No, he won't be dying anytime soon." «» Fending off calls for her resignation following problems accessing the Obamacare website, Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius has launched an online poker website just to prove she can. "Hey, we're gambling with people's healthcare, so they might as well enjoy some Texas Hold'em while we suck them dry," she noted. «» Maryland Attorney General Douglas Gansler stumbled across a robbery while at the bank yesterday but says he didn't notice it and just went about his business. "In hindsight, the guys wearing masks and brandishing guns should have clued me in," he said. "Thankfully, that's only the second mistake I've made." «» NSA leaker Edward Snowden stopped by the U.S. for a visit, saying he feels safe with the government shut down and nobody working. "Edward who?" said the lone NSA employee in the office. "I can barely keep up with all these wiretaps by myself, let alone chase that guy around." «» The National Weather Service is vowing to engulf America in "the winter from Hell" if the government shutdown doesn't cease and their paychecks resume. "Tornado watches on the East Coast are nothing compared to what we have in store," said one official. "And you thought we just predicted the weather." «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «»
    America's biracial families have released a statement condemning new Peanut Butter Cheerios, saying the fury over MSNBC's recent tweet is misplaced. "The real travesty here is that nobody's calling out General Mills for all these craptastic Cheerios flavors they're rolling out," said a spokesperson. "Leave multigrain families out of it." «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie has announced the closure of all exits on the Turnpike whose numerical value is a prime number, but says the move is not politically motivated. "You better know your math before you go driving," he said. "Else you could be in for a very long trip." «» Convicted mobster Whitey Bulger has been sentenced to spend life in prison while his appendages are being nibbled on by rats. "It's not just regular justice, but poetic justice as well," said the prosecutor. "We'll be sure to slather on some Cheez Wiz to make certain he's good and tasty." «» Ohio prisons officials have accidentally given the flu vaccine to death row inmate Ronald Phillips instead of a lethal injection due to a drug mix-up. "We expected to see him writhing in agony, but he's healthy as an ox now," said the warden. "No, he won't be dying anytime soon." «» Fending off calls for her resignation following problems accessing the Obamacare website, Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius has launched an online poker website just to prove she can. "Hey, we're gambling with people's healthcare, so they might as well enjoy some Texas Hold'em while we suck them dry," she noted. «» Maryland Attorney General Douglas Gansler stumbled across a robbery while at the bank yesterday but says he didn't notice it and just went about his business. "In hindsight, the guys wearing masks and brandishing guns should have clued me in," he said. "Thankfully, that's only the second mistake I've made." «» NSA leaker Edward Snowden stopped by the U.S. for a visit, saying he feels safe with the government shut down and nobody working. "Edward who?" said the lone NSA employee in the office. "I can barely keep up with all these wiretaps by myself, let alone chase that guy around." «» The National Weather Service is vowing to engulf America in "the winter from Hell" if the government shutdown doesn't cease and their paychecks resume. "Tornado watches on the East Coast are nothing compared to what we have in store," said one official. "And you thought we just predicted the weather." «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «»