Sunday | November 23, 2014
Dennis Kucinich Relaunches Campaign As 'Cleveland Steamer'
Dennis Kucinich announces the rebirth of his presidential campaign.

CLEVELAND, Ohio (CAP) - U.S. Representative and Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich unveiled his new campaign strategy today, announcing that from this day forth, he is to be known simply as The Cleveland Steamer.

"To this point, Dennis has been known as the nice guy among the Democratic hopefuls," said Kucinich's national campaign manager Michael Klien, "but all that is about to change. Dennis is here to let everyone know that he means business. He is proud of his Ohio roots, and he is ready to steamroll the competition and win this election.

"Hence the nickname - The Cleveland Steamer," said Klien.

"Politics is a dirty business," Kucinich said in his press release, "and I can get down and play in the mud with the best of them. I really feel like I'm sitting on a winner here, sliding down the path to victory, and if I have to rub it in on my opponents, so be it.

"All aboard The Cleveland Steamer," the press release said. "Next stop, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave!"

Not to be outdone, fellow Democratic candidate and New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson followed with an announcement of his own, proclaiming that "[Dennis] Kucinich is not the only one who can come up with a catchy nickname and get his hands messy in this race.

"From now on, I will be known as The Dirty Sanchez," Richardson told supporters at a recent rally. "Sanchez, of course, being my mother's maiden name."

"If Dennis wants dirty, we'll get dirty," continued Richardson. "Believe me, The Dirty Sanchez will wipe that smile right off the face of The Cleveland Steamer, and with nothing more than his pinky finger - you can be sure of that!"

The Democratic candidates, including front-runner Hillary "The Angry Dragon" Clinton, will square off in their next debate later this month.

- CAP News Staff

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NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «» Speaker of the House John Boehner admits slipping Joe Biden $20 to pants President Obama to find out if he's a boxers or briefs guy «» CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» CBS cancels new Bill Cosby show, "Women Make The Darnedest Allegations" «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «»