Tuesday | April 28, 2015
Dennis Kucinich Relaunches Campaign As 'Cleveland Steamer'
Dennis Kucinich announces the rebirth of his presidential campaign.

CLEVELAND, Ohio (CAP) - U.S. Representative and Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich unveiled his new campaign strategy today, announcing that from this day forth, he is to be known simply as The Cleveland Steamer.

"To this point, Dennis has been known as the nice guy among the Democratic hopefuls," said Kucinich's national campaign manager Michael Klien, "but all that is about to change. Dennis is here to let everyone know that he means business. He is proud of his Ohio roots, and he is ready to steamroll the competition and win this election.

"Hence the nickname - The Cleveland Steamer," said Klien.

"Politics is a dirty business," Kucinich said in his press release, "and I can get down and play in the mud with the best of them. I really feel like I'm sitting on a winner here, sliding down the path to victory, and if I have to rub it in on my opponents, so be it.

"All aboard The Cleveland Steamer," the press release said. "Next stop, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave!"

Not to be outdone, fellow Democratic candidate and New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson followed with an announcement of his own, proclaiming that "[Dennis] Kucinich is not the only one who can come up with a catchy nickname and get his hands messy in this race.

"From now on, I will be known as The Dirty Sanchez," Richardson told supporters at a recent rally. "Sanchez, of course, being my mother's maiden name."

"If Dennis wants dirty, we'll get dirty," continued Richardson. "Believe me, The Dirty Sanchez will wipe that smile right off the face of The Cleveland Steamer, and with nothing more than his pinky finger - you can be sure of that!"

The Democratic candidates, including front-runner Hillary "The Angry Dragon" Clinton, will square off in their next debate later this month.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE politics NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «»
Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «»