Sunday | February 1, 2015
Dennis Kucinich Relaunches Campaign As 'Cleveland Steamer'
Dennis Kucinich announces the rebirth of his presidential campaign.

CLEVELAND, Ohio (CAP) - U.S. Representative and Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich unveiled his new campaign strategy today, announcing that from this day forth, he is to be known simply as The Cleveland Steamer.

"To this point, Dennis has been known as the nice guy among the Democratic hopefuls," said Kucinich's national campaign manager Michael Klien, "but all that is about to change. Dennis is here to let everyone know that he means business. He is proud of his Ohio roots, and he is ready to steamroll the competition and win this election.

"Hence the nickname - The Cleveland Steamer," said Klien.

"Politics is a dirty business," Kucinich said in his press release, "and I can get down and play in the mud with the best of them. I really feel like I'm sitting on a winner here, sliding down the path to victory, and if I have to rub it in on my opponents, so be it.

"All aboard The Cleveland Steamer," the press release said. "Next stop, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave!"

Not to be outdone, fellow Democratic candidate and New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson followed with an announcement of his own, proclaiming that "[Dennis] Kucinich is not the only one who can come up with a catchy nickname and get his hands messy in this race.

"From now on, I will be known as The Dirty Sanchez," Richardson told supporters at a recent rally. "Sanchez, of course, being my mother's maiden name."

"If Dennis wants dirty, we'll get dirty," continued Richardson. "Believe me, The Dirty Sanchez will wipe that smile right off the face of The Cleveland Steamer, and with nothing more than his pinky finger - you can be sure of that!"

The Democratic candidates, including front-runner Hillary "The Angry Dragon" Clinton, will square off in their next debate later this month.

- CAP News Staff

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Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Five senior GOP lawmakers charged with hazing after administering swirlies and bare-buttock paddling on the 12 new freshman senators «» President Obama credits illegal Guatemalan caddie for helping him shoot 3 over par 75, says all Americans can enjoy that luxury by backing immigration reform «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «» Speaker of the House John Boehner admits slipping Joe Biden $20 to pants President Obama to find out if he's a boxers or briefs guy «»