Sunday | March 29, 2015
Dennis Kucinich Relaunches Campaign As 'Cleveland Steamer'
Dennis Kucinich announces the rebirth of his presidential campaign.

CLEVELAND, Ohio (CAP) - U.S. Representative and Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich unveiled his new campaign strategy today, announcing that from this day forth, he is to be known simply as The Cleveland Steamer.

"To this point, Dennis has been known as the nice guy among the Democratic hopefuls," said Kucinich's national campaign manager Michael Klien, "but all that is about to change. Dennis is here to let everyone know that he means business. He is proud of his Ohio roots, and he is ready to steamroll the competition and win this election.

"Hence the nickname - The Cleveland Steamer," said Klien.

"Politics is a dirty business," Kucinich said in his press release, "and I can get down and play in the mud with the best of them. I really feel like I'm sitting on a winner here, sliding down the path to victory, and if I have to rub it in on my opponents, so be it.

"All aboard The Cleveland Steamer," the press release said. "Next stop, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave!"

Not to be outdone, fellow Democratic candidate and New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson followed with an announcement of his own, proclaiming that "[Dennis] Kucinich is not the only one who can come up with a catchy nickname and get his hands messy in this race.

"From now on, I will be known as The Dirty Sanchez," Richardson told supporters at a recent rally. "Sanchez, of course, being my mother's maiden name."

"If Dennis wants dirty, we'll get dirty," continued Richardson. "Believe me, The Dirty Sanchez will wipe that smile right off the face of The Cleveland Steamer, and with nothing more than his pinky finger - you can be sure of that!"

The Democratic candidates, including front-runner Hillary "The Angry Dragon" Clinton, will square off in their next debate later this month.

- CAP News Staff

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Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Five senior GOP lawmakers charged with hazing after administering swirlies and bare-buttock paddling on the 12 new freshman senators «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»