SATIRE

Parental advisory groups are up in arms over the naming of the new One Direction sports drink, simply called OD. "Other than their obvious lack of originality, it's the slogan we don't like," said Mothers Against Everything. "Have You OD'ed Today? isn't exactly the message we should be sending children." «» The battle between Rush Limbaugh and WABC heated up as the radio station blamed low ad revenues on Rush's sobriety. "Nobody gives a crap about his politics anymore," said a source. "What they want to hear is the crazy-ass shit he says when he's all hopped up on prescription drugs." «» Celebrity drunk Mel Gibson has come to the defense of Reese Witherspoon after the actress was charged with disorderly conduct during her husband's DUI stop. "That dyke didn't even use a single racial epithet," Gibson noted. "So the Jew media had better just leave that Episcopalian bimbo the hell alone!" «» Singer Carrie Underwood is facing vandalism charges today after digging her key into the side of a vehicle owned by Academy of Country Music chairwoman Sarah Trahern and slashing a hole in all four tires. "And maybe next time she'll think before she picks Entertainer Of The Year," Underwood said. «» Justin Bieber continues to lash out via social networking, this time accusing the media of fabricating stories about him taking a trip to rehab. "That Selena Gomez breakup must have hit him really hard," said gossip columnist Perez Hilton. "Because he clearly needs to get laid in a bad way." «» Police in Nicasio, Calif. have arrested actor Billy Dee Williams on charges of trespassing after he was caught banging on the door of Skywalker Ranch, demanding that George Lucas include him in the newest Star Wars movie. He threatened to "go Boba Fett on your ass, George!" if he wasn't. «» With the White House under fire from numerous directions, press secretary Jay Carney dropped his usual demeanor to tell reporters to "fucking back the fuck off" and that he was "sick of answering dumb-ass questions." He then threatened to have the IRS "personally audit every single one of you fucks." «» Researchers at Johns Hopkins University say they have isolated the hormone Honkytonkin, found predominantly in white males from Southern states. The protein is one of a new group of complex redneck carbohydrates similar genetically to white trash peptides and has the same molecular structure as cheap beer. «» Disney has crowned its newest official princess, a somewhat short and stocky stringy-haired character named Frumpy Fran. "The life and accomplishments of all the other princesses are way too unachievable for little girls," said a spokesperson. "Fran is basically the princess from the projects, which more girls can relate to." «» U.S. logging industry officials say these days, loggers are chopping down trees "just because" it's all they know how to do. "With the ailing housing market, dying newspaper industry and paperless billing, people aren't using as many trees," said one contractor. "Maybe some day people will need more fence posts." «»

Parental advisory groups are up in arms over the naming of the new One Direction sports drink, simply called OD. "Other than their obvious lack of originality, it's the slogan we don't like," said Mothers Against Everything. "Have You OD'ed Today? isn't exactly the message we should be sending children." «» The battle between Rush Limbaugh and WABC heated up as the radio station blamed low ad revenues on Rush's sobriety. "Nobody gives a crap about his politics anymore," said a source. "What they want to hear is the crazy-ass shit he says when he's all hopped up on prescription drugs." «» Celebrity drunk Mel Gibson has come to the defense of Reese Witherspoon after the actress was charged with disorderly conduct during her husband's DUI stop. "That dyke didn't even use a single racial epithet," Gibson noted. "So the Jew media had better just leave that Episcopalian bimbo the hell alone!" «» Singer Carrie Underwood is facing vandalism charges today after digging her key into the side of a vehicle owned by Academy of Country Music chairwoman Sarah Trahern and slashing a hole in all four tires. "And maybe next time she'll think before she picks Entertainer Of The Year," Underwood said. «» Justin Bieber continues to lash out via social networking, this time accusing the media of fabricating stories about him taking a trip to rehab. "That Selena Gomez breakup must have hit him really hard," said gossip columnist Perez Hilton. "Because he clearly needs to get laid in a bad way." «» Police in Nicasio, Calif. have arrested actor Billy Dee Williams on charges of trespassing after he was caught banging on the door of Skywalker Ranch, demanding that George Lucas include him in the newest Star Wars movie. He threatened to "go Boba Fett on your ass, George!" if he wasn't. «» With the White House under fire from numerous directions, press secretary Jay Carney dropped his usual demeanor to tell reporters to "fucking back the fuck off" and that he was "sick of answering dumb-ass questions." He then threatened to have the IRS "personally audit every single one of you fucks." «» Researchers at Johns Hopkins University say they have isolated the hormone Honkytonkin, found predominantly in white males from Southern states. The protein is one of a new group of complex redneck carbohydrates similar genetically to white trash peptides and has the same molecular structure as cheap beer. «» Disney has crowned its newest official princess, a somewhat short and stocky stringy-haired character named Frumpy Fran. "The life and accomplishments of all the other princesses are way too unachievable for little girls," said a spokesperson. "Fran is basically the princess from the projects, which more girls can relate to." «» U.S. logging industry officials say these days, loggers are chopping down trees "just because" it's all they know how to do. "With the ailing housing market, dying newspaper industry and paperless billing, people aren't using as many trees," said one contractor. "Maybe some day people will need more fence posts." «»