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CAP NEWS EXCLUSIVE

Britney To Wear Underwear, Armani Suit At VMA's

LAS VEGAS (CAP) - In an effort to regain her status as "The Queen of Pop," Britney Spears has signed on as the opening act at this year's MTV Video Music Awards, slated to take place at The Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas. CAP News has confirmed that Spears' claims that her performance is going to "shock the world" are completely accurate.

"It's absolutely unbelievable," said CAP News Senior Correspondent Ty Havercamp, who was the only reporter invited to attend a recent Spears rehearsal at the Edge Performing Arts Center in Los Angeles. "I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Viewers are going to be blown away."

Over the years, gossip columnists have learned to expect the unexpected from Spears, but lately that has centered around things like attacking an SUV with an umbrella, shaving her head, and facing accusations that she doesn't bathe her children or brush their teeth.

"These things have all left the public with the impression that she's nothing more than a psychotic, drug-crazed, trailer-trash hick from Louisiana," said Havercamp. "And while that's true, this one performance is going to change all that."

According to Havercamp, Spears will come out on stage fully dressed in a smart, navy blue Armani business suit, including underwear. She'll then proceed to read the first twenty pages of A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini, currently #1 on the NY Times Best Seller list.

And then she'll wrap up her performance with questions from the audience and share her opinions about the history of conflict in Afghanistan, "a topic of which she is surprisingly knowledgeable," said Havercamp.

"I promise you," added Havercamp, "you will never look at Britney Spears the same way again."

The VMAs will air live on MTV at 9pm ET on September 9.


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Contributing Writer

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America's biracial families have released a statement condemning new Peanut Butter Cheerios, saying the fury over MSNBC's recent tweet is misplaced. "The real travesty here is that nobody's calling out General Mills for all these craptastic Cheerios flavors they're rolling out," said a spokesperson. "Leave multigrain families out of it." «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie has announced the closure of all exits on the Turnpike whose numerical value is a prime number, but says the move is not politically motivated. "You better know your math before you go driving," he said. "Else you could be in for a very long trip." «» Convicted mobster Whitey Bulger has been sentenced to spend life in prison while his appendages are being nibbled on by rats. "It's not just regular justice, but poetic justice as well," said the prosecutor. "We'll be sure to slather on some Cheez Wiz to make certain he's good and tasty." «» Ohio prisons officials have accidentally given the flu vaccine to death row inmate Ronald Phillips instead of a lethal injection due to a drug mix-up. "We expected to see him writhing in agony, but he's healthy as an ox now," said the warden. "No, he won't be dying anytime soon." «» Fending off calls for her resignation following problems accessing the Obamacare website, Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius has launched an online poker website just to prove she can. "Hey, we're gambling with people's healthcare, so they might as well enjoy some Texas Hold'em while we suck them dry," she noted. «» Maryland Attorney General Douglas Gansler stumbled across a robbery while at the bank yesterday but says he didn't notice it and just went about his business. "In hindsight, the guys wearing masks and brandishing guns should have clued me in," he said. "Thankfully, that's only the second mistake I've made." «» NSA leaker Edward Snowden stopped by the U.S. for a visit, saying he feels safe with the government shut down and nobody working. "Edward who?" said the lone NSA employee in the office. "I can barely keep up with all these wiretaps by myself, let alone chase that guy around." «» The National Weather Service is vowing to engulf America in "the winter from Hell" if the government shutdown doesn't cease and their paychecks resume. "Tornado watches on the East Coast are nothing compared to what we have in store," said one official. "And you thought we just predicted the weather." «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «»