Thursday | September 3, 2015
Bill Murray Drunken Dash Practice For John Daly Role

STOCKHOLM, Sweden (CAP) - Rumors have been swirling around Bill Murray since his arrest here recently on a suspicion of driving a golf cart under the influence. Would the aging SNL alum be the next celeb to succumb to the temptations of drink and drugs?

"At the time I had signed this non-disclosure thing, so I really couldn't talk about it," Murray recently told CAP News entertainment reporter Consuelo Jones. "But since you and other members of the press know about it, I guess the cat's out of the bag.

"So, yes, I was pretty shit-faced, but it was all research for an upcoming role."

The role Bill Murray is preparing for is that of perpetually inebriated tee-totaller John Daly in the upcoming TNT bio-pic, Shaky Putts: The John Daly Story. Ever the consummate method actor, Murray has thrown himself into preparing for the role with a series of incidents over the past couple of months involving both golfing and Jack Daniels.

In addition to the Stockholm golf cart situation, he has been tossed from Augusta for urinating on the 14th green, banned from St. Andrews for skinny-dipping in a water hazard, and under investigation by US Homeland Security for attempting to purchase plastic explosives to blow up "varmint poontang" at Scottsdale's Dove Valley Ranch.

"Look, I'm just taking an interpretive approach to John's life, getting smashed, grabbing a putter and seeing what happens," Murray said as he ripped up his score card on the 8th hole at Foxwood's Lake of Isles. "It's a Cinderella story out of nowhere, but only if like, Lindsay Lohan was playing Cinderella, I guess."

Shaky Putts begins filming later this year. Meanwhile, the Stockholm Police Department has still not said whether it intends to pursue criminal charges against the actor, but it has impounded the golf cart involved in the incident and plans on building a museum and Drunken Rambling Stockholm Golf Cart Tour around the incident.

"Are you kidding me? This is kafargin Sweden," said a source deep within the Swedish Tourism Council. "We've got the Abba-themed disco roller rink, and now this. It's very exciting!"

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis now refuses to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, saying after three divorces she just doesn't believe in marriage at all anymore «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «»