Monday | October 20, 2014
Senate Passes Bill Mandating Hand Washing
No, that won't spread any germs at all. Idiots.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - A new bill introduced in the Senate that requires Americans to wash their hands after using the bathroom or touching any surface that may contain germs has passed by a 78 to 22 margin and now heads to the House of Representatives where little resistance is expected. President Obama is reportedly already waiting at his desk to sign the bill into law.

"Uhh, this legislation is our first step in the battle against an Ebola outbreak here in the United States," said Obama. "Between that, hand sanitizer, and coughing into the crook of our arms, we should be in pretty good shape to take this disease head on."

Democrats and Republicans alike have stepped up in support of the proposal, saying it is a much cheaper alternative than diverting military funds to try to find a cure. Proponents point out that the implementation timeframe is much quicker as well.

"All we need to do is slap up some signs in restrooms across America and we're good to go," said Sen. Bill Nelson (D-FL). "Even here in the rotunda, although we'll probably have to post them every two feet to get the message across.

"Yes, Sen. Vitter, I'm looking at you," he added. "Do they not make soap in Louisiana?"

Critics of the bill call it unenforceable, saying that similar measures were unsuccessful in stopping the spread of cooties throughout the Midwest earlier this year. The Coalition of Republicans Against the President is calling for tougher legislation, pointing out that dutiful Americans washing their hands won't matter if current laws continue to allow unhygienic immigrants across the borders.

"For our money, step one is closing down every Walmart, Denny's and Bowl-a-rama because that's where the dirty masses congregate with their germs and whatnot," said CRAP Chairman Fitz McManus. "Those places are just a hotbed of Ebola waiting to burst."

While passage is expected in the other chamber of Congress, sources say House Republicans plan to tack on a rubber glove rider for the illiterate portion of the population. The additional provision calls for a pair of latex gloves to be supplied to every person for whom restroom signage remains a literary challenge.

"You can't trust Americans to read and follow a sign any more than you can trust them to wear around a pair of gloves," said Rep. Tim Murphy (R-PA). "We're all dead either way, but at least we can say we came up with a backup plan."

The Centers for Disease Control has announced its support of the bill, saying they wish they had thought of it first because "it has Nobel peace prize written all over it."

"If this works, then we can get back to focusing our efforts on the zombie apocalypse," said CDC Director Thomas Frieden. "I don't think signs will work with them."

- CAP News Staff

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