Sunday | September 14, 2014
Obama To Deploy Ebola Patients To Syria

WASHINGTON (CAP) - President Obama has changed his stance in the battle against ISIS, now saying he is authorizing the use of passive-aggressive force against Syria. Instead of airstrikes, US troops will begin transplanting Liberian natives infected with the Ebola virus into various military strongholds in that country.

"Now, I understand that this method will probably take a while, but that will just make victory all the more sweeter," Obama told reporters. "Granted we don't get the satisfaction of blowing things up, but that's what Iraq is for.

"Besides, how great will it be to have something positive come from this awful disease," he added. "Not to mention the money we'll be saving."

United Nations officials released a statement "more or less" denouncing the plan, saying that while they "can't quite put [their] finger on it," Obama's approach just doesn't seem right. UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon urged the United States to consider using more conventional methods of incurring casualties in Third World countries whose policies and people threaten American ideologies.

"We were just getting used to your air strikes and your unmanned drones and your wife-beating football players - and now this?" said Ki-moon. "What's next? Parachuting in zombies to eat their brains and gnaw their limbs to the bone?"

White House officials admit they had not thought of that but would take it under consideration if the Ebola approach does not pan out. Press Secretary Josh Earnest preempted reporters' questions by pointing out that under the Geneva Conventions, relocating sick individuals and letting nature run its course is not considered biological warfare.

"This isn't something we're cooking up in some lab: it totally exists on its own," said Earnest. "It would eventually get to Syria. We're just, you know, speeding up the process."

According to Earnest, Operation Bodily Fluids will be rolled out in a phased approach. After the initial spread of Ebola in major Syrian cities, the US will send in Veterans Affairs personnel to administer Obamacare to the sick, thus ensuring the success of the plan as people die waiting for treatment.

"Providing humanitarian aid would defeat the purpose of the program, so we'll do the next best thing: look like we're providing humanitarian aid," said an unnamed White House source. "Playing to our strengths is what America is all about."

Officials at the Pentagon have indicated that infected Liberians will likely be paid for their service in Syria, which makes them members of the US military rather than guinea pigs, and also alleviates the guilt anyone involved in the plan might be feeling.

- CAP News Staff

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