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Vick Cousin Charged In Exotic Animal Fighting Ring
BOYDTON, Va. (CAP) - Fresh on the heels of his second cousin Michael's guilty plea on federal charges related to illegal dog fighting, LaTron Vick was arrested today and charged as the mastermind behind the country's largest underground exotic animal fighting ring, according to published reports.
Exotic animal fighting, or smurfing as it's known on the streets, involves elaborately choreographed battles between exotic species of animals that would normally never come into contact with one another in the wild. The nickname smurfing derives from the long-standing fantasy argument that the Smurfs, fictional characters from Saturday morning cartoons, could defeat any wild animal in a fight, if they were real.
"Smurfing is an unbelievable rush, there's nothing like it," said Cartrell Jackson, a reputed associate of Vick's who has agreed to testify against him in exchange for immunity. "I mean, when you gets a polar bear going at it with a kangaroo, or when you sees a great white shark chomping on an elephant, thems is some exciting battles.
"I still can't believe I lost fifty bucks last year when a spider monkey beat the hell out of a giraffe," added Jackson. "I mean come on, the giraffe had a huge height advantage - how does that happen?"
Through his lawyers, Vick has denied any wrongdoing in the case. Lead attorney Carmine 'Sleepy' Bustamente said his client is prepared to make some concessions but maintains his innocense with regard to the charges.
"Yes, it's true that he has owned some exotic animals," said Bustamente, "and yes it's true that on occasion he has put two or more in the same cage, and yes it's true that he sometimes has prodded them with electric shockers until they started goring at each other, but he is completely, uh, what was the question again?"
Alvin Reimenschnider, editor-in-chief of Smurfing magazine, said the sport is simply the result of natural curiosity and shouldn't be condemned by those who don't know it.
"Ever disagree with your best friend about whether or not a hippopotamus could beat up a koala bear?" asked Reimenschnider. "I sure have - and now, thanks to LaTron, we know the answer. He certainly can not!"
Vick is due in court early next month to answer the charges. The proceedings will be simulcast on Court TV and The National Geographic Channel.
- CAP News Staff
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