Monday | March 30, 2015
Tony Blair To Head Halliburton's Dubai Operations
Blair sports the new Halliburton employee uniform.

DUBAI, United Arab Emirates (CAP) - Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair has reportedly accepted an offer from Halliburton Energy Services to oversee the company's new Dubai headquarters. He will begin his role as President and Chief War Profiteer later this year.

"As CEO, I'm responsible for the global business of Halliburton in both hemispheres," said chief executive Dave Lesar as he announced the addition of Blair. "As CWP, Tony will be responsible for overseeing the billions of dollars that have been pilfered from the American people for the lost cause that is Iraq."

Political bloggers have already begun questioning the appointment, naturally assuming the position would have been held open for Vice President Dick Cheney after he leaves office in 2009. The topic dominated backroom conversations during the recent YearlyKos convention in Chicago.

"Oh, sure, this has nothing to do with Blair's staunch support of former, err, holy crap he's still the President George Bush," said dailykos.com founder Markos Moulitsas. "But if they need a fall guy, you know Mini Me's the man - and I don't mean in a good, Lee Majors sort of way, either."

A spokesperson for Tony Blair confirmed Moulitsas' assertion that the former PM is only being put into place to shift blame should President Bush's poll numbers drop into the negatives. CAP News was unable to speak directly with the new Halliburton employee.

"Mr. Blair can't speak with you right now because he is busy flogging a servant boy who didn't properly peel his grapes," said Blair spokesperson Wendy McKnight. "But he did want me to tell you that he is extremely pleased with the new career move and that, quote, you wankers can kiss my incredibly well paid ass, end quote."

Other candidates reportedly up for the position of Chief War Profiteer at Halliburton were Colin Powell and Fox News' Bill O'Reilly.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE world NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» New warning issued by U.S. State Department says Iran just 3 to 4 years away from developing microwave popcorn that doesn't burn when overcooked «» White House upset President Obama wasn't told Benjamin Netanyahu would be guest caller for Congressional Bingo Night «» Experts question Brian Williams' claim that an IED blew off his limb while reporting in Afghanistan and that he sewed it back on during his return flight to the United States «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» Vladimir Putin voted sexiest man in Russia with 100% of the vote for eighth year running, celebrates with topless serenade around Kremlin «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «»
NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» New warning issued by U.S. State Department says Iran just 3 to 4 years away from developing microwave popcorn that doesn't burn when overcooked «» White House upset President Obama wasn't told Benjamin Netanyahu would be guest caller for Congressional Bingo Night «» Experts question Brian Williams' claim that an IED blew off his limb while reporting in Afghanistan and that he sewed it back on during his return flight to the United States «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» Vladimir Putin voted sexiest man in Russia with 100% of the vote for eighth year running, celebrates with topless serenade around Kremlin «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «»