Saturday | April 18, 2015
Sergio Garcia Hissy Fit Qualifies Him For "Baby Open"
Retailers report that the special edition Sergio Garcia Baby Bib has been flying off store shelves.

PALM BEACH GARDENS, Fla. (CAP) - The PGA announced today that with his infantile crying and inexcusable whining after his loss at the British Open, Sergio Garcia has qualified to join the field at this year's inaugural "Baby Open".

"Let's face it," said PGA President Brian Whitcomb, "anyone who acts the way Sergio does has forefieted their right to play with adults. It's like my dear, sweet mama always used to tell me when I refused to eat my brussel sprouts - If you want to act like a baby, then I'll treat you like a baby, and she'd hide them in my pudding so I'd eat them.

"Well, the same goes for Sergio," added Whitcomb. "If he's going to act like a baby, we're going to put him in the baby division."

Scheduled to be contested next month at the Linden Golf & Country Club in Puyallup, Wash., the Baby Open will feature some of the world's finest infant and toddler golfers, including the children of some PGA players. Scheduled to compete alongside Garcia are Phil Mickelson's daughter Sophia, who is 5, Ernie Els' son Ben, 4, Tanner Furyk, Jim's 3-year-old son, and Tiger Woods' daughter Sam, who'll be just two months old at the time of the tournament.

"It's really the ideal setting for someone like Sergio," said PGA CEO Joe Steranka. "When all of the other competitors in the tournament are infants and toddlers, the fans will be expecting a lot of whining and crying. He'll fit right in."

Still fuming after his unbelievable choke at the British Open, Sergio commented, "Well, I guess it will be okay, but they better not have any people raking the bunkers out there, because that can be distracting.

"Also, if I hit a great shot, it better not roll any further than I wanted it to, or hit anything except perfectly mowed grass.

"And it better not be too sunny. Or too cloudy. And no wind - do you hear me? NO WIND. And the fans better not clap too loudly, especially for the other players.

"Oh, and there better be someone there supplying me with Teddy Grahams and my bottle of formula when I get hungry, and also someone to change me when I go poo-poo or pee-pee. I can get pretty messy, and when it comes to diaper rash, me no likey."

Suddenly Garcia screamed, "Nap time! EVERYBODY OUT!" He then threw himself on the floor, assumed the fetal position, and began sucking his thumb, at which time CAP News vacated the premises.

The Baby Open will be broadcast on The Golf Channel and simulcast online at the PGA website.

- CAP News Staff

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Massachusetts courts upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to have leg replacement surgery, expects to be back in time for playoffs «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Utah becomes first state to offer stoning as death penalty option, saying it's a criminal's right to have their head bashed in «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»