Sunday | January 25, 2015
Aguilera, Richie Offspring Vie For Ugliest Baby Honors
On newsstands now!

LOS ANGELES (CAP) - Though each is months away from delivering her first child, celebrity moms-to-be Nicole Richie and Christina Aguilera are locked in a bitter feud over the title of America's Next Ugliest Baby, according to the new issue of Ugly Baby magazine, which hit newsstands this week.

"We haven't seen a competition for the Ugliest Baby title this heated since moo-cow Debbie Rowe was pregnant with freak-a-zoid Michael Jackson's son Blanket and coke-head waif model Kate Moss was carrying pasty-faced magazine editor Jefferson Hack's daughter Lila in 2002," said editor-in-chief Eric Stonehaven.

"Of course, Blanket won that battle hands-down once the kids were born," said Stonehaven, "but for a while there, it was a real toss-up."

Scientists admit that determining the ugliness of a baby that hasn't been born yet is a tricky endeavor. They said it involves a number of factors, including the ugliness of the parents, drug use, eating disorders, and "whether or not either parent has ever added a shred of value to society or the world at large."

"Also," added University of New Mexico at Gallup professor of biology Karen Voltaire, "if the mother was a real ho-bag before she got knocked-up, that ain't gonna help much neither."

Oddsmakers in Las Vegas are giving Nicole Richie's baby the edge at 7-to-2 odds, while Christina Aguilera's spawn comes in at 5-to-1. However, most agree that both babies have a great shot at winning.

"The father of Ritchie's baby, Joel Madden, he looks like some kind of goth weirdo, and of course Nicole looks exactly like an 11 year-old boy, so you know that's gonna be an ugly baby," said Vinny Giafrado, chief odds-maker at the Sports Book at Caesar's Palace, which is accepting bets on the contest.

"Aguilera's husband, Jordan Bratman, that guy is like a Mr. Potato Head - huge ears, huge nose - it's almost like his face is a joke, an actual joke," said Giafrado. "Christina's pretty hot, but you can tell she's had a lot of work done. I'm thinking, ugly baby no doubt."

Hollywood insiders believe either baby could open the door for something tinsel town has been talking about for years but no one has been brave enough to try - newborn cosmetic surgery. Many agree the timing seems right for the child of either starlet to become the first.

"The gals both want this one really, really bad," said LA Insider correspondent Latrice Washington. "It may seem weird to want to have your fetus named as America's Next Ugliest Baby, but with that ugliness comes plenty of press - and plenty of sympathy."

Readers of Ugly Baby will vote throughout the summer on which baby they think will be the ugliest, and results will be published this fall.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE showbiz NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «» The X-Files returning to Fox with all-new characters E-Cigarette Man, Dentures Man, and Edward Snowden as leader of the reconstituted Lone Gunmen «» AC-DC accepts invite to play Coachella 2015, requests to be off stage by 7pm before they become "cranky and irritable" from being up too late «» CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» CBS cancels new Bill Cosby show, "Women Make The Darnedest Allegations" «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «» Porn website '2 Fat Chicks And A Concrete Barrel' files lawsuit against Black Lives Matter for trademark infringement following highway protest in Boston «» Texas appeals court upholds ruling that bans sale of home abortion kits, says instructional DVD not detailed enough and needs better actors «»
Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «» The X-Files returning to Fox with all-new characters E-Cigarette Man, Dentures Man, and Edward Snowden as leader of the reconstituted Lone Gunmen «» AC-DC accepts invite to play Coachella 2015, requests to be off stage by 7pm before they become "cranky and irritable" from being up too late «» CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» CBS cancels new Bill Cosby show, "Women Make The Darnedest Allegations" «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «» Porn website '2 Fat Chicks And A Concrete Barrel' files lawsuit against Black Lives Matter for trademark infringement following highway protest in Boston «» Texas appeals court upholds ruling that bans sale of home abortion kits, says instructional DVD not detailed enough and needs better actors «»