Monday | July 28, 2014
Patrons Jealous Over 'Fast Pass' Riot At Disney World
This grainy security footage shows Pluto trying to break up one of the riots, only to end up flat on his back.

ORLANDO (CAP) - Disney World patrons jealous over people entering the "Splash Mountain" ride more quickly via the Fast Pass line rioted yesterday, jumping over rope barricades and throwing a Disney cast member who tried to stop them over the ride's 52-foot drop, where he was almost impaled on a plastic rabbit.

According to witnesses, the melee began when - about 70 minutes through the ride's 110-minute wait - several families that were part of a "Magical Gathering" from Alabama started taunting people moving through the Fast Pass line, wherein park goers get a ticket to return later and enter the ride more quickly.

"I heard the whole thing," said Arnold Cranmore of Lenyard, Conn. "They started yelling, Hey, Fast Passers! You think you're better than us? and Got your Ass Pass, you f--ing babies? It got pretty ugly."

The altercation apparently turned violent when an 8-year-old in a Goofy hat from Somerville, Mass. waved his Fast Pass at the angry mob and gave them "the finger," prompting Fred Carlisle of Malbis, Ala. to throw a frozen Mickey Bar at the boy.

"It's a miracle he wasn't killed," said Capt. Carl Franklin of the Orlando, Fla. Police Department. "Mickey Bars are considered a deadly weapon," he added, noting that when fully frozen they can be harder than titanium.

This led to an all-out brawl, with patrons in the "standby" line surging through the barricades and chasing the Fast Pass holders up the 87-foot-tall fiberglass mountain. "They were swinging away with anything they could get their hands on," said Cranmore.

"Plastic pirate swords, $17 squirt bottles with fans on them, giant turkey legs - I might have been beaten to death if I hadn't been able to get into the ride and hide behind the Zip-A-Dee Lady," added Cranmore. "Um, that's the big boat."

The riot was finally quelled by a group of Disney cast members wearing jack boots and carrying truncheons, who appeared suddenly, beat the offenders into submission and dragged them into the park's legendary system of underground tunnels. At press time, the U.S. government was still negotiating for their release.

Meanwhile, one of the terrorized Fast Pass holders, Brad Federman of Des Moines, Iowa, expressed disbelief at being targeted.

"I mean, anybody can use the Fast Pass," he said. "You just have to plan well and be organized, like when you come to the park with a step-by-step itinerary, making sure to bring non-perishable snacks and frozen water bottles that thaw gradually during the day for a thirst-quenching treat."

This prompted the man standing next to Federman to run him over with a rented plastic stroller.

- CAP News Staff

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