Thursday | March 28, 2024
Skanky Crime Down 33% Since Paris Incarceration
CAP News obtains a sneak peak at Paris Hilton's first post-prison pictorial.

LOS ANGELES (CAP) - Surprising statistics released today by the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department show a sharp decline in the number of skank-related crimes committed since Paris Hilton was jailed on June 3rd. Initial estimates show the number to be as high as 33%.

"We're talking crimes committed by and between skanks, skanky individuals and the like," said Sheriff Lee Baca. "The unfortunate downside is that with Paris' release, we're expecting those numbers to climb back up to Simple Life levels."

Baca, perhaps most well known for releasing Hilton to house arrest just days after she arrived in jail, has yet to admit he was wrong for doing so. However, crime analysts say it is too early to tell whether Hilton's jail time truly had a calming affect on skanky criminals.

"We all want to shoot for zero crime, especially by skanks," said Mel Hauptmeyer of the International Association of Crime Analysis. "But the field of skank crime analysis is relatively new, so we need time to see how these numbers are going to shake out."

Skanky crime was added to the so-called "Group F" offenses back in 2003, along with crimes related to hoes, beyotches, bizznatchs, tramps and skeezers. While recent numbers in those other categories remain relatively unchanged over the same period, skank advocacy groups are crying foul.

"We know the police don't take our issues seriously because we're skanks," said Georgia Stokey of Skanks Across America. "So to trot out Paris Hilton - who's technically more of a tramp than a skank - and credit her with some magical decrease in crime among our people, man that is wack."

A more stringent data collection system is being developed by the Los Angeles Sheriff's Department in conjunction with SAA. The new system is expected to ensure improved accuracy that would more readily illustrate trends and identify causes of skanky crime.

- CAP News Staff

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