Thursday | April 24, 2014
MOST EMAILED
CAUGHT ON FILM
@PaulaDeen #BigotSaysSorry
Paula Deen's new cookbook - buy it wherever fine racist books are sold!
FROM THE VAULT
April 22, 2009
Liberal Gun-Hoarding On The RiseLiberal Gun-Hoarding On The Rise
Fake Advertisement

PARENTING

Pitt, Jolie Reported To Adopt Extra Terrestrial

Pitt, Jolie Reported To Adopt Extra Terrestrial

NEW ORLEANS (CAP) - Late-night revelers in The Big Easy lately have been seeing strange lights in the skies over the city's historic French Quarter, and some of them may not just be attributable to a potent combination of bourbon and gumbo. Some New Orleanites think Angelina Jolie may be casting her adoption net a little further a-field for child number seven.

"Lordy, it's a space ship, bringing that Angelina Jolie a UFO," said longtime resident Ella Bonaparte. "Unidentified Foreign Orphan, that's what it be.

"I see it here just last week, this big light in the shape of a stork, hovering over all them fine houses," Bonaparte said. "She gots herself a black one, and a white one, and a brown one, and a buncha sort of off-tan ones. Why not a green one?"

While New Orleans officials are pointing to noxious fumes from undiscovered Katrina bodies or sporadic flash-fires on the Mississippi River as probable causes for the lights, a coalition of UFO and celebrity watchers says evidence is mounting that ET Jolie now crawls amongst us.

"There's the Welcome to Earth cake she ordered five weeks ago, and the custom-knit three-finger mitties she bought at the Baby Gap earlier this month," said Martians and Marilyns Movement (MAMM) co-founder Stu Everall.

"And she wears a vial of green liquid or blood or something around her neck now, don't forget that," chimed in MAMM's other co-founder Sarah Teal. "The space ship is just icing on the cake."

When reached for comment, Angelina Jolie would neither confirm nor deny her alien adoption, but CAP News was able to record the following interesting exchange:

CAP NEWS TRANSCRIPT

JOLIE: Hold on a second. Klaatu barada nikto. Klaatu barada nikto! Dammit Brad, could you get off your ass and do something before he fucking--

PITT: I'm on it. Klaatu barada nikto! Klaatu barada nikto!

JOLIE: Thank you, sweetie. Now, where were we...

Citing long-standing policy, North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) also refused to comment on the New Orleans UFO sightings.

"Unless it's an ICBM getting ready to FUBAR your day or Santa Claus, we can't discuss it, no sir," said the NORAD representative.


- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

MORE showbiz NEWS
Fake Advertisement


Advertise Here

    ALL MATERIAL IS

    SATIRE

    AND ©2005-2014 BY CRYSTAL AIR PRODUCTIONS
    NBC confirms that Today co-host Matt Lauer will not be hosting the Olympic Opening Ceremonies in Sochi and instead will hand the reins to LL Cool J. "LL killed it at the Grammys and Matt's just gone stale," said one network executive. "Dude's like a black Ryan Seacrest, except funny." «» Chinese TV officials are reportedly thrilled to bring "hot lesbian action" to their people when that country begins airing The Ellen DeGeneres Show. "America love lesbians, so China need to see what fuss is all about," said a spokesperson. "If this work, next maybe we try show with black person." «» Fresh off her rousing rendition of Make New Friends at the Golden Globes, actress Diane Keaton has announced she will be recording a collection of creepy children's favorites. Entitled Lullabyes For Serial Killers, the album features Keaton putting original Brothers Grimm fairy tales to song after getting herself liquored up. «» Justin Bieber has clarified the confusion surrounding his supposed retirement tweet, saying that he meant he was retiring for the night, not from music. "I had just learned this new vocabulary word, yo, and wanted to use it," he said. "Retire also means go to bed - how wack is that?" «» Jewish activists are outraged over anti-gay remarks made by Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson, saying they feel slighted at being left out of his diatribe. "Oy, look at all the sympathy gays are getting because of this," said one Jewish leader. "We Jews could use a little of that!" «» Electronic music star Moby is soliciting fans to create songs for his new album so he can produce an album made entirely of songs created by his fans. "It'll be the easiest album I ever make," he said. "I may even let them each download a couple tracks for free." «» Eclectic singer Lady Gaga has admitted to CAP News that while the applause is indeed a fantastic motivator, she also lives for the paycheck. "Clapping alone does not millions of dollars make," Gaga said. "Little monsters emptying daddy's wallet to come see me prance around in outrageously expensive outfits does." «» Legendary rocker John Oates has been elected into the Freeloaders Hall Of Fame for "a decade of service riding Darryl Hall's coattails to six #1 songs" and nine more Top 10 hits. Oates joins the likes of Andrew Ridgely, Jim Messina and Art Garfunkel in being elected unanimously by judges. «» Esquire magazine has named actress Scarlett Johansson their Sexiest Photoshopped Woman for 2013, beating 2012 winner Mila Kunis. "We airbrushed a whole bunch of women and Scarlett came out the best," said editor David Granger. "You should have seen what I did with my Aunt Mildred - so long, liver spots!" «» Seventeen people were arrested yesterday during the premiere of the new Grand Theft Auto reality show, GTA: 25 To Life. While the winner is the last one to avoid being arrested, producers say with only eight contestants left after the first episode, the series may not run a full season. «»
    NBC confirms that Today co-host Matt Lauer will not be hosting the Olympic Opening Ceremonies in Sochi and instead will hand the reins to LL Cool J. "LL killed it at the Grammys and Matt's just gone stale," said one network executive. "Dude's like a black Ryan Seacrest, except funny." «» Chinese TV officials are reportedly thrilled to bring "hot lesbian action" to their people when that country begins airing The Ellen DeGeneres Show. "America love lesbians, so China need to see what fuss is all about," said a spokesperson. "If this work, next maybe we try show with black person." «» Fresh off her rousing rendition of Make New Friends at the Golden Globes, actress Diane Keaton has announced she will be recording a collection of creepy children's favorites. Entitled Lullabyes For Serial Killers, the album features Keaton putting original Brothers Grimm fairy tales to song after getting herself liquored up. «» Justin Bieber has clarified the confusion surrounding his supposed retirement tweet, saying that he meant he was retiring for the night, not from music. "I had just learned this new vocabulary word, yo, and wanted to use it," he said. "Retire also means go to bed - how wack is that?" «» Jewish activists are outraged over anti-gay remarks made by Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson, saying they feel slighted at being left out of his diatribe. "Oy, look at all the sympathy gays are getting because of this," said one Jewish leader. "We Jews could use a little of that!" «» Electronic music star Moby is soliciting fans to create songs for his new album so he can produce an album made entirely of songs created by his fans. "It'll be the easiest album I ever make," he said. "I may even let them each download a couple tracks for free." «» Eclectic singer Lady Gaga has admitted to CAP News that while the applause is indeed a fantastic motivator, she also lives for the paycheck. "Clapping alone does not millions of dollars make," Gaga said. "Little monsters emptying daddy's wallet to come see me prance around in outrageously expensive outfits does." «» Legendary rocker John Oates has been elected into the Freeloaders Hall Of Fame for "a decade of service riding Darryl Hall's coattails to six #1 songs" and nine more Top 10 hits. Oates joins the likes of Andrew Ridgely, Jim Messina and Art Garfunkel in being elected unanimously by judges. «» Esquire magazine has named actress Scarlett Johansson their Sexiest Photoshopped Woman for 2013, beating 2012 winner Mila Kunis. "We airbrushed a whole bunch of women and Scarlett came out the best," said editor David Granger. "You should have seen what I did with my Aunt Mildred - so long, liver spots!" «» Seventeen people were arrested yesterday during the premiere of the new Grand Theft Auto reality show, GTA: 25 To Life. While the winner is the last one to avoid being arrested, producers say with only eight contestants left after the first episode, the series may not run a full season. «»