Tuesday | May 5, 2015
Paris Hilton's Tears For Sale On eBay

LOS ANGELES (CAP) - From his vantage point outside Paris Hilton's house during the recent arrest of the heiress, paparazzi veteran Nick Eldorado could tell Hilton was upset. Real upset.

"She was a mess. I mean crying buckets, man," Eldorado said. "The deputies sat out front with her for several minutes before speeding off, and they kept handing her tissue after tissue. She was filling them fast."

Eldorado is one of three eyewitnesses backing up the claim of an anonymous eBay auctioneer that he has a 1/8 oz. vial of Paris Hilton's tears that he has put up for sale. The auction went live on Monday, and bidding is already into the five figures.

"This auction is for 1/8 oz. of tears of the most famous woman in America and possibly the world," the auction reads. "Tears were spilled on Friday, June 8 while Paris was being taken to court. Authentication that she was balling [sic] her eyes out in the cruiser follows below."

Privacy groups are outraged at the auction, but eBay officials claim that it does not violate their terms of service, so their hands are tied.

"If you were to try and sell Paris' finger, or something personal stolen from her, we wouldn't allow it," an eBay spokesman says. "Tears are like body garbage, like poops. Okay, we wouldn't allow you to sell poops, bad example. But tears, auction away."

The Los Angeles sheriff's department is again taking Hilton heat, this time for allowing her tissues to be collected and the bodily fluids they contained be extracted and sold online.

"We are looking very closely at this and are working with eBay to try and ascertain the identity of the individuals involved," said Los Angeles sheriff's department spokesman Steve Whitmore. "Our policy concerning tissue-issuance, and indeed personal hygiene and grooming products in general, is currently under review."

Titled The Tortured Pearls of Paris, the auction is expected to conclude next Wednesday.

[UPDATE] Online auction house eBay wishes to remind CAP News readers that the sale of poop is forbidden by its terms of service. This reminder comes at the request of the Los Angeles sheriff's department and Mrs. Alvertson, the head mail clerk at the Twin Towers Correctional Facility, Los Angeles.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» Apple accidentally unveils new watch at 12pm instead of 1pm after forgetting to turn device forward an hour for daylight savings «» America's homophobes lobby in favor of gay marriage to "keep them off the streets" and protect the sanctity of the bar scene for straight men «» NFL announces plans to give up its law exempt status and will have players stop committing crimes and start obeying the law beginning next season «» Protesters in Baltimore are congratulating themselves on "a job well done" and say Freddie Gray would have wanted nothing more than for them to destroy their hometown and all get arrested «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «»