Saturday | February 28, 2015
Paris Hilton's Tears For Sale On eBay

LOS ANGELES (CAP) - From his vantage point outside Paris Hilton's house during the recent arrest of the heiress, paparazzi veteran Nick Eldorado could tell Hilton was upset. Real upset.

"She was a mess. I mean crying buckets, man," Eldorado said. "The deputies sat out front with her for several minutes before speeding off, and they kept handing her tissue after tissue. She was filling them fast."

Eldorado is one of three eyewitnesses backing up the claim of an anonymous eBay auctioneer that he has a 1/8 oz. vial of Paris Hilton's tears that he has put up for sale. The auction went live on Monday, and bidding is already into the five figures.

"This auction is for 1/8 oz. of tears of the most famous woman in America and possibly the world," the auction reads. "Tears were spilled on Friday, June 8 while Paris was being taken to court. Authentication that she was balling [sic] her eyes out in the cruiser follows below."

Privacy groups are outraged at the auction, but eBay officials claim that it does not violate their terms of service, so their hands are tied.

"If you were to try and sell Paris' finger, or something personal stolen from her, we wouldn't allow it," an eBay spokesman says. "Tears are like body garbage, like poops. Okay, we wouldn't allow you to sell poops, bad example. But tears, auction away."

The Los Angeles sheriff's department is again taking Hilton heat, this time for allowing her tissues to be collected and the bodily fluids they contained be extracted and sold online.

"We are looking very closely at this and are working with eBay to try and ascertain the identity of the individuals involved," said Los Angeles sheriff's department spokesman Steve Whitmore. "Our policy concerning tissue-issuance, and indeed personal hygiene and grooming products in general, is currently under review."

Titled The Tortured Pearls of Paris, the auction is expected to conclude next Wednesday.

[UPDATE] Online auction house eBay wishes to remind CAP News readers that the sale of poop is forbidden by its terms of service. This reminder comes at the request of the Los Angeles sheriff's department and Mrs. Alvertson, the head mail clerk at the Twin Towers Correctional Facility, Los Angeles.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «» ISIS hacks U.S. military's Instagram account, posts pictures of last night's dinner and terrorists making duck lips «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «» Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «» Experts question Brian Williams' claim that an IED blew off his limb while reporting in Afghanistan and that he sewed it back on during his return flight to the United States «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «»