Sunday | February 1, 2015
Paris Hilton's Tears For Sale On eBay

LOS ANGELES (CAP) - From his vantage point outside Paris Hilton's house during the recent arrest of the heiress, paparazzi veteran Nick Eldorado could tell Hilton was upset. Real upset.

"She was a mess. I mean crying buckets, man," Eldorado said. "The deputies sat out front with her for several minutes before speeding off, and they kept handing her tissue after tissue. She was filling them fast."

Eldorado is one of three eyewitnesses backing up the claim of an anonymous eBay auctioneer that he has a 1/8 oz. vial of Paris Hilton's tears that he has put up for sale. The auction went live on Monday, and bidding is already into the five figures.

"This auction is for 1/8 oz. of tears of the most famous woman in America and possibly the world," the auction reads. "Tears were spilled on Friday, June 8 while Paris was being taken to court. Authentication that she was balling [sic] her eyes out in the cruiser follows below."

Privacy groups are outraged at the auction, but eBay officials claim that it does not violate their terms of service, so their hands are tied.

"If you were to try and sell Paris' finger, or something personal stolen from her, we wouldn't allow it," an eBay spokesman says. "Tears are like body garbage, like poops. Okay, we wouldn't allow you to sell poops, bad example. But tears, auction away."

The Los Angeles sheriff's department is again taking Hilton heat, this time for allowing her tissues to be collected and the bodily fluids they contained be extracted and sold online.

"We are looking very closely at this and are working with eBay to try and ascertain the identity of the individuals involved," said Los Angeles sheriff's department spokesman Steve Whitmore. "Our policy concerning tissue-issuance, and indeed personal hygiene and grooming products in general, is currently under review."

Titled The Tortured Pearls of Paris, the auction is expected to conclude next Wednesday.

[UPDATE] Online auction house eBay wishes to remind CAP News readers that the sale of poop is forbidden by its terms of service. This reminder comes at the request of the Los Angeles sheriff's department and Mrs. Alvertson, the head mail clerk at the Twin Towers Correctional Facility, Los Angeles.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

SHARE STORY
MORE tech NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
ISIS hacks U.S. military's Instagram account, posts pictures of last night's dinner and terrorists making duck lips «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «»
ISIS hacks U.S. military's Instagram account, posts pictures of last night's dinner and terrorists making duck lips «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «»