Sunday | August 30, 2015
Paris Hilton's Tears For Sale On eBay

LOS ANGELES (CAP) - From his vantage point outside Paris Hilton's house during the recent arrest of the heiress, paparazzi veteran Nick Eldorado could tell Hilton was upset. Real upset.

"She was a mess. I mean crying buckets, man," Eldorado said. "The deputies sat out front with her for several minutes before speeding off, and they kept handing her tissue after tissue. She was filling them fast."

Eldorado is one of three eyewitnesses backing up the claim of an anonymous eBay auctioneer that he has a 1/8 oz. vial of Paris Hilton's tears that he has put up for sale. The auction went live on Monday, and bidding is already into the five figures.

"This auction is for 1/8 oz. of tears of the most famous woman in America and possibly the world," the auction reads. "Tears were spilled on Friday, June 8 while Paris was being taken to court. Authentication that she was balling [sic] her eyes out in the cruiser follows below."

Privacy groups are outraged at the auction, but eBay officials claim that it does not violate their terms of service, so their hands are tied.

"If you were to try and sell Paris' finger, or something personal stolen from her, we wouldn't allow it," an eBay spokesman says. "Tears are like body garbage, like poops. Okay, we wouldn't allow you to sell poops, bad example. But tears, auction away."

The Los Angeles sheriff's department is again taking Hilton heat, this time for allowing her tissues to be collected and the bodily fluids they contained be extracted and sold online.

"We are looking very closely at this and are working with eBay to try and ascertain the identity of the individuals involved," said Los Angeles sheriff's department spokesman Steve Whitmore. "Our policy concerning tissue-issuance, and indeed personal hygiene and grooming products in general, is currently under review."

Titled The Tortured Pearls of Paris, the auction is expected to conclude next Wednesday.

[UPDATE] Online auction house eBay wishes to remind CAP News readers that the sale of poop is forbidden by its terms of service. This reminder comes at the request of the Los Angeles sheriff's department and Mrs. Alvertson, the head mail clerk at the Twin Towers Correctional Facility, Los Angeles.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «»