Wednesday | January 28, 2015
Piggy Slaying Raises Ethics About Hunting Muppets
Jefferson Stick proudly holds up his most prized hunting trophy.

FLORENCE, Ala. (CAP) - The slaughter of Miss Piggy by an 11-year-old Alabama boy with a shotgun has led to a national debate over whether it's appropriate to gun down animals who wear jewelry and can speak French, even marginally.

Jefferson Stick of Huntsville was hunting with his father and two guides earlier this month when he killed the famous swine, who had surprised them by jumping out from behind a tree wearing a mauve satin evening gown and pearls and declaring, "Are you boys looking for moi?"

Stick shot the animal eight times with a single barrel shotgun and chased it for three hours through hilly woods before finishing it off with a point-blank shot.

"And it weren't easy, neither, 'cause she kept tryin' to hy-ah me," Stick told reporters as he held up Piggy's head, her long blond locks wound tightly around his pudgy fingers.

"This was a horrible example of cruelty to Muppets," said Daphne Namonovitch of PeTFA, or People for the Ethical Treatment of Felt Animals. "We've always said that if you have to kill a Muppet you should do it quickly and humanely, like all those times Beaker got his head blown off."

The news spread quickly through the Muppet community. "We were shocked and saddened to hear of Miss Piggy's untimely demise," said Muppet spokesman Fozzie Bear. "We thought it was just her career that was dead! Ha-aaah! Wocka wocka wocka!"

Longtime Miss Piggy companion Kermit the Frog declined to comment on the incident, but according to one associate, Sam the Eagle, Kermit looked "noticeably relieved" when he heard the news, before getting into his limo and heading off to his Hamptons estate with Japanese supermodel Erina Yamaguchi.

While noting that all 11-year-olds do have the right to bear arms, "This whole shooting shows a serious lack of quality and moral content," said Sam, adding, "not at all like that time Dick Cheney shot his friend, which was entirely wholesome."

Authorities have also not ruled out the possibility of retribution on the part of the Muppets, especially given that Stick's uncle, Jesse Fender of Blountsville, Ala., was found dead in his trailer earlier this week, apparently beaten to death by drumsticks.

Meanwhile, Stick said Miss Piggy's head will be stuffed and her meat would be made into breakfast sausages that would be devoured by notorious curmudgeons Statler and Waldorf.

"I don't think they'll be overcooked," noted Statler.

"Why is that?" asked Waldorf.

"Because her acting was never well done!" he replied, prompting the duo to fall over each other in hearty guffaws.

- CAP News Staff

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President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» American comedians announce indefinite hiatus on "smelly Frenchman" jokes to give nation time to heal, will heckle Portuguese instead «» U.S. State Department denies it is behind putting glue on Kim Jong-un's toilet seat, where he was stuck for nine hours yesterday «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «»