Thursday | March 28, 2024
Cheney Poses Nude For Calendar Fundraiser
Mr August

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The picture is so disturbing that CAP News' ombudsman almost didn't clear it for publication. It shows Vice President Dick Cheney, naked and reclined on a bed, apparently angrily trying to masturbate. It is disturbing, and apparently it is all the Democrats' fault.

"This is not a situation that we were hoping for, but we are committed to raising money for the troops, and the Vice President's calendar is merely one way that we're looking to achieve that goal," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snow.

"Other things we're planning are the OTB T-Ball Invitational, which will be next month, and Mr. Cheney again is helping out with his Charity Skeet Shoot event. And that, by the way, is pure bipartisanship, because the VP is only inviting Democrats to that event," said Snow.

"Look, it's a great calendar, with days and weeks, all the months. Pick one up, support the troops," Snow said. "The bottom line is, if the Democrats aren't going to send us an Iraq war funding bill we can sign, then we're prepared to play lardball. Uh, hardball."

The use of semi-nude calendars as fundraising devices has grown in popularity over the past few years, although it has mainly been groups such as ladies gardening clubs and volunteer fire departments which have dropped trow for the cause. CAP News political analyst Tom Brashcott also confirmed that this would not be the first time that an administration has turned to alternative funding options when facing a hostile Congress.

"Reagan had his geriatric film festivals, Clinton his Rose Garden kissing booths, Kennedy those infamous bake sales; Jackie made a mean macaroon. Nixon and the midget wrestling," Brashcott said. "As such, it wouldn't be a first for Bush to leapfrog Congress in an attempt to fund pet projects. That said, this calendar? I've seen other months of it, and I've got to tell you, after viewing December, Santa Claus is fucking ruined for me. Forever."

Not everyone is buying the White House's pat naked-VP-calendar-to-raise-money-for-the-troops explanation, however. Rumors have begun circulating throughout the Beltway that the picture is one of several allegedly taken by "DC Madam" Deborah Jeane Palfrey at one of Dick Cheney's secret locations, and that the White House is merely using the calendar story as cover to avoid embarrassment.

When contacted about the picture that CAP News has in its possession, Palfrey's lawyer Montgomery Blair Sibley said that thanks to a standing court order, his client could neither confirm nor deny her involvement in the photograph.

"Is it the doggie-style one, or the angrily trying to masturbate one?" was Sibley's only response at our failed attempt to get him to settle the matter once and for all.

While the mystery goes on, the calendar goes on sale next week.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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