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FDA Warns Of Pet Food Snorting Danger
WASHINGTON (CAP) - The tainted pet food scare that has resulted in the recall of some 5500 pet food-related products took an unexpected turn yesterday when officials at the FDA warned of a possible increased danger from "puffing."
"In many instances the food used by so-called 'puffers' could be old because it's been hoarded, or stolen from poor pets, or found in a dumpster, which is where you would expect to find a lot of these tainted brands," said the FDA's Dr. Stephen Henry. "We would urge teens not, I repeat not, to puff these products, as it takes an already dangerous activity and makes it even more so."
Puffing, or pet food huffing, has increased in popularity over the past few years as more expensive inhalants such as airplane glue and nail polish remover have seen their prices skyrocket in the Bush economy. Pet food, particularly dog food, is cheap and relatively easy to crush and cook to an ashy state. It's this cooking that chemically altars some of the additives used to cure meat byproducts that are added to pet food. The cooking process is also responsible for magnifying the negative effects from the melamine tainting that led to the recall in the first place.
"At this point in time we have no clear indication that any puffer has been hurt by inhaling contaminated pet food, but we really think it's only a matter of time," Dr. Henry warned. "With the price of gas expected to rise, that's one more inhalant that won't be available to high-hungry teens. They'll be forced to turn to cooking Kibble, and the results could be catastrophic."
For their part, puffing teens don't seem too concerned by the FDA's warning. CAP News talked to a group gathered behind a Baltimore feed store, where they meet every day to beg patrons for scraps of Purina, Pedigree and PetGuard.
"The man just wants to kill our buzz," said a disheveled girl who asked to be called Fifi. "I think this whole pet food recall is a CIA plot, you know?"
"It's just a thing to put the poor man down," said a boy with a spike collar and "Rovrrrrr" hand-printed on his dingy t-shirt. "If cooking truffles or caviar got you high, and they wouldn't be messing with the rich, uhh, damn, now I got the munchies. Aroooo!"
As if on cue, the teens rush an employee bringing a garbage bag out of the store, all howling in unison, street talk for "I have found some dog food. Let's get shitzu-faced, okay?" Scoring a lid of Lick Your Chops, they prepare to bake it down, ignoring the fact that they are playing with a fire far hotter than the one kindling up in their portable puff-cooking lab.
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