Friday | May 27, 2016
Clinton Allocates Campaign Funds For Breast Augmentation
Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign has also begun selling sets of special edition silicone gel breast implants to try to attract the donors.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - US Senator Hillary Clinton has laid out her first quarter spending plans after revealing that her 2008 presidential campaign had raised $36 million thus far. Among those plans are $2 million in TV and web advertising, $1.1 million worth of outside consultants, and $500,000 for breast enhancement surgery.

"There cannot be true democracy unless women's voices are heard," Clinton told supporters at a rally in Hampton, NH. "And in America, women's voices cannot be heard unless their breasts can be seen.

"Politics is a dirty old man's game," said Clinton to increasing applause. "And ladies and gentlemen, I am going to play that game."

According to campaign reports filed with the Federal Election Commission, Clinton plans to undergo transaxillary surgery next week at New York Presbyterian Hospital to increase her breast size from 34B to 36D. Critics are questioning if this is how donors intended for their money to be spent.

"Ask not what Hillary can do for you, but what you can do for Hillary's breasts?" asked Sen. Barack Obama when he heard the news. "What's next, a penile enlargement for me? Well, not that I need one, I'm just saying."

Political pundits are falling on both sides of the issue, with proponents saying that the first woman to be elected president will likely have to take some unusual steps in order to get both of her messages across. Others have wondered why Clinton has earmarked so much money for a surgery that typically runs about $10,000.

"Well, you know if there are any optional packages offered as part of the enhancement, likely Bill would scoop up everything available," said close Clinton family friend Capricia Marshall.

Clinton has already received endorsements from Swank Magazine, Hooters Restaurants, and 18- to 24-year-old men.

- CAP News Staff

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Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «» Advisors say Joe Biden turning to his trusty Magic Eight Ball to determine potential presidential bid with early indications pointing to a hazy reply and needing to ask again later «» Democratic presidential candidate Jim Webb to host his own debate so he can do all the talking, not have to wait «» After a spirited round of Hot Potato failed to produce a nominee for Speaker, House Republicans have decided the loser or their weekly Duck, Duck, Goose game will get the post «» John Boehner disillusioned at lack of jobs for someone who only works nine months per year; says he would teach but "how can anyone live off of that?" «» Ben Carson publishes list of traits he finds unacceptable in a president, including shifty eyes, a taste for light beer, and anyone who did not like Goldie Hawn in Bird On A Wire «» Republican presidential candidates unite against Carly Fiorina's face, vow to continue 200-year streak of bland white guy options with or without toupee «» Hillary Clinton says she will not apologize for wearing white after Labor Day while Secretary Of State, noting that it was "approved attire" by the State Department at the time «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «»