Saturday | November 22, 2014
FDA Issues Virtual Pet Food Recall
Some of the foods recalled include Spiked Dariberry, Asparacone, Kyrii related baked goods, and that thing that looks like a cow stomach.

SILVER SPRING, Md. (CAP) - A rash of unexplained virtual pet deaths has led the Food and Drug Administration to announce a recall of almost all Marada and Neopian pet foods. Early indications are that upwards of 4,000 virtual pet deaths may be the result of tainted food.

"We're still in the early stages of this investigation," said FDA Commissioner Margaret Hamburg. "We've created accounts on both Neopets and Marapets and will be trying to ascertain the correlation between the virtual deaths and the virtual food."

Hamburg said if the FDA is able to draw such a connection, she hopes the investigation will also uncover the source of the tainted food and freeze the accounts of those reponsible.

Rumors that a rogue group of NeoPets users poisoned the food in an attempt to knock the Marapets site offline have surfaced but have not yet been confirmed.

Message boards were abuzz with the news as pet owners found themselves faced with the difficult choice between watching their pet's health decline from lack of food and taking the chance that their next meal could be their last.

Some owners were reportedly testing questionable Merifoods on their Petpets before allowing their NeoPets to eat it.

"MARAPETZ IS A WANNABE NEOPETS!!!!! LOL," wrote one message board poster. "IF tHE n00bishpeople gothacked when i had akoi and jetsam 2 than muchmore cute and NOT ugly as hell, they WILL DIE."

Government translators have been called to aid in the investigation, but so far have been unable to decipher any messages posted by anyone under 16 years of age. Site owners have been fully cooperative in the situation thus far.

While FDA investigators have not yet expanded the recall to include Petnebula, Subeta, or Webkinz, they are warning Webkinz owners to avoid feeding their pets any combination of Gunk as the resulting symptoms could be indistinguishable from those of the tainted food.

- CAP News Staff

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CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» CBS cancels new Bill Cosby show, "Women Make The Darnedest Allegations" «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» Quarterback Peyton Manning asks to join Detroit Lions "just for this week" so he can try one more time to beat the Patriots «» A survey of children under the age of six finds that most never thought they'd see the day when gas prices dropped below $3 per gallon «»