Tuesday | June 30, 2015
FDA Issues Virtual Pet Food Recall
Some of the foods recalled include Spiked Dariberry, Asparacone, Kyrii related baked goods, and that thing that looks like a cow stomach.

SILVER SPRING, Md. (CAP) - A rash of unexplained virtual pet deaths has led the Food and Drug Administration to announce a recall of almost all Marada and Neopian pet foods. Early indications are that upwards of 4,000 virtual pet deaths may be the result of tainted food.

"We're still in the early stages of this investigation," said FDA Commissioner Margaret Hamburg. "We've created accounts on both Neopets and Marapets and will be trying to ascertain the correlation between the virtual deaths and the virtual food."

Hamburg said if the FDA is able to draw such a connection, she hopes the investigation will also uncover the source of the tainted food and freeze the accounts of those reponsible.

Rumors that a rogue group of NeoPets users poisoned the food in an attempt to knock the Marapets site offline have surfaced but have not yet been confirmed.

Message boards were abuzz with the news as pet owners found themselves faced with the difficult choice between watching their pet's health decline from lack of food and taking the chance that their next meal could be their last.

Some owners were reportedly testing questionable Merifoods on their Petpets before allowing their NeoPets to eat it.

"MARAPETZ IS A WANNABE NEOPETS!!!!! LOL," wrote one message board poster. "IF tHE n00bishpeople gothacked when i had akoi and jetsam 2 than muchmore cute and NOT ugly as hell, they WILL DIE."

Government translators have been called to aid in the investigation, but so far have been unable to decipher any messages posted by anyone under 16 years of age. Site owners have been fully cooperative in the situation thus far.

While FDA investigators have not yet expanded the recall to include Petnebula, Subeta, or Webkinz, they are warning Webkinz owners to avoid feeding their pets any combination of Gunk as the resulting symptoms could be indistinguishable from those of the tainted food.

- CAP News Staff

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General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «» US State Department confirms that an airstrike has killed top al Qaeda leader Myhstar Belmyhstar in the Syrian port city of Kyrie «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «» Taylor Swift says she plans to try speed dating because she's short on time and wants to pull together material for a new album «» Rick Perry to announce his 2016 presidential bid during opening statements of his public corruption trial «» Kim Kardashian announces she is pregnant, says she and Kanye plan to name the baby SXSW «»