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Bush To Offer Presidential Pardon To Paris Hilton File photo of President Bush copping a feel that offers some insight into why he has a soft spot for Paris Hilton.
Bush To Offer Presidential Pardon To Paris Hilton

WASHINGTON (CAP) - In the wake of news that socialite Paris Hilton may be headed for prison for violating her probation comes word that she could be exonerated and serve no time. The White House has confirmed that President Bush plans to offer the hotel heiress a full presidential pardon.

"Last night when I tucked the president in, he said he just wanted to sleep on it," White House Press Secretary Tony Snow told reporters. "And then this morning before he even finished his first bowl of Froot Loops he said it was a done deal."

Hilton's spokesperson, Elliot Mintz, said Paris' reaction to the news was pretty standard for the actress, "including a blank stare, a few nonsensical words, and a smile not unlike that of a baby who has gas.

"Then she asked me if anyone else was being invited to her presidential party," said Mintz.

In January, Hilton pleaded no-contest to alcohol-related reckless driving and was sentenced to three years probation. Then in late February she was ticketed for driving with a suspended license after police stopped her for "driving with her lights off, so to speak."

"When she was pulled over, she claimed she didn't know her license had been suspended," said prosecutor Rocky Delgadillo. "Of course, she also claimed she didn't know her boobs were fake, and I mean, come on. They still had the price tag on 'em, for crying out loud."

Bush's pardon of Paris marks his first since giving the nod to turkeys Flyer and Fryer just before last Thanksgiving. Other pardons during his tenure include convicted moonshiner Randall Leece Deal, admitted JR Ewing gunman Kristin Shepard, and himself for the mess in Iraq.


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America's biracial families have released a statement condemning new Peanut Butter Cheerios, saying the fury over MSNBC's recent tweet is misplaced. "The real travesty here is that nobody's calling out General Mills for all these craptastic Cheerios flavors they're rolling out," said a spokesperson. "Leave multigrain families out of it." «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie has announced the closure of all exits on the Turnpike whose numerical value is a prime number, but says the move is not politically motivated. "You better know your math before you go driving," he said. "Else you could be in for a very long trip." «» Convicted mobster Whitey Bulger has been sentenced to spend life in prison while his appendages are being nibbled on by rats. "It's not just regular justice, but poetic justice as well," said the prosecutor. "We'll be sure to slather on some Cheez Wiz to make certain he's good and tasty." «» Ohio prisons officials have accidentally given the flu vaccine to death row inmate Ronald Phillips instead of a lethal injection due to a drug mix-up. "We expected to see him writhing in agony, but he's healthy as an ox now," said the warden. "No, he won't be dying anytime soon." «» Fending off calls for her resignation following problems accessing the Obamacare website, Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius has launched an online poker website just to prove she can. "Hey, we're gambling with people's healthcare, so they might as well enjoy some Texas Hold'em while we suck them dry," she noted. «» Maryland Attorney General Douglas Gansler stumbled across a robbery while at the bank yesterday but says he didn't notice it and just went about his business. "In hindsight, the guys wearing masks and brandishing guns should have clued me in," he said. "Thankfully, that's only the second mistake I've made." «» NSA leaker Edward Snowden stopped by the U.S. for a visit, saying he feels safe with the government shut down and nobody working. "Edward who?" said the lone NSA employee in the office. "I can barely keep up with all these wiretaps by myself, let alone chase that guy around." «» The National Weather Service is vowing to engulf America in "the winter from Hell" if the government shutdown doesn't cease and their paychecks resume. "Tornado watches on the East Coast are nothing compared to what we have in store," said one official. "And you thought we just predicted the weather." «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «»