Friday | May 22, 2015
Scooter Libby Sentenced To Ten Years At Walter Reed
Scooter Libby displays a section of moldy Walter Reed Medical Center wall that will soon make up his new abode.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Much to the surprise of the prosecution and defense alike, the judge in the Scooter Libby perjury trial has handed down a sentence to the Vice President's former aide. I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby has been sentenced to serve ten years at the Walter Reed Army Medical Center.

"It's unlikely this will stand up on appeal," said White House veteran David Gergen. "But what it does is send a message that the government needs to eat its own dog food, which is pretty much what they're feeding the veterans over at Walter Reed anyway."

Libby's attorneys had vowed to seek a new trial, but have now switched gears to fight the judge's latest decision, which they are calling "unethical and short-sighted."

"What did Mr. Libby do wrong, really?" attorney John Cline asked reporters after the sentence was handed down. "I'll tell you what he did. He lied to protect the Vice President of the United States. And this is how we treat him? Like a common veteran?"

Asked whether the sentencing broke his promise to bring honor back to the White House, President Bush declined to answer. However, when asked whether that was a jelly stain on his lapel, Bush nodded and said, "Yes - grape.

"But listen, you can distract me with all your talkativeness about what I had for lunch yesterday, or we can talk about what really matters," Bush said as an aide wiped his collar with a moist towelette. "Don't we have an extra room or something at Guantanamo that we can put Scoot in until this thing blows over?"

The judge has issued a cease and desist order to workers at Walter Reed to stop cleaning up the layers of black mold on the walls and ceilings. He said that in addition to residing at the facility for the next decade, Libby can also make good use of his time by cleaning it himself.

- CAP News Staff

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America's homophobes lobby in favor of gay marriage to "keep them off the streets" and protect the sanctity of the bar scene for straight men «» Protesters in Baltimore are congratulating themselves on "a job well done" and say Freddie Gray would have wanted nothing more than for them to destroy their hometown and all get arrested «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» Utah becomes first state to offer stoning as death penalty option, saying it's a criminal's right to have their head bashed in «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» New York latest state to ban sneezing while driving, calling it the third most distracting event for drivers behind texting and masturbation «» Justice Department issues subpoena for all computer files related to Hillary Clinton's 2012 online journal, "My Benghazi Blog" «» Taylor Swift reveals she was behind extreme censoring of Kanye West song at Billboard Music Awards, telling him "Imma not let you finish" «» ISIS rebels capture another Iraqi city Americans have never heard of but are led to believe is "very important" «»