Thursday | January 29, 2015
Scooter Libby Sentenced To Ten Years At Walter Reed
Scooter Libby displays a section of moldy Walter Reed Medical Center wall that will soon make up his new abode.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Much to the surprise of the prosecution and defense alike, the judge in the Scooter Libby perjury trial has handed down a sentence to the Vice President's former aide. I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby has been sentenced to serve ten years at the Walter Reed Army Medical Center.

"It's unlikely this will stand up on appeal," said White House veteran David Gergen. "But what it does is send a message that the government needs to eat its own dog food, which is pretty much what they're feeding the veterans over at Walter Reed anyway."

Libby's attorneys had vowed to seek a new trial, but have now switched gears to fight the judge's latest decision, which they are calling "unethical and short-sighted."

"What did Mr. Libby do wrong, really?" attorney John Cline asked reporters after the sentence was handed down. "I'll tell you what he did. He lied to protect the Vice President of the United States. And this is how we treat him? Like a common veteran?"

Asked whether the sentencing broke his promise to bring honor back to the White House, President Bush declined to answer. However, when asked whether that was a jelly stain on his lapel, Bush nodded and said, "Yes - grape.

"But listen, you can distract me with all your talkativeness about what I had for lunch yesterday, or we can talk about what really matters," Bush said as an aide wiped his collar with a moist towelette. "Don't we have an extra room or something at Guantanamo that we can put Scoot in until this thing blows over?"

The judge has issued a cease and desist order to workers at Walter Reed to stop cleaning up the layers of black mold on the walls and ceilings. He said that in addition to residing at the facility for the next decade, Libby can also make good use of his time by cleaning it himself.

- CAP News Staff

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President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» American comedians announce indefinite hiatus on "smelly Frenchman" jokes to give nation time to heal, will heckle Portuguese instead «» U.S. State Department denies it is behind putting glue on Kim Jong-un's toilet seat, where he was stuck for nine hours yesterday «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «»