Friday | November 21, 2014
Scooter Libby Sentenced To Ten Years At Walter Reed
Scooter Libby displays a section of moldy Walter Reed Medical Center wall that will soon make up his new abode.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Much to the surprise of the prosecution and defense alike, the judge in the Scooter Libby perjury trial has handed down a sentence to the Vice President's former aide. I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby has been sentenced to serve ten years at the Walter Reed Army Medical Center.

"It's unlikely this will stand up on appeal," said White House veteran David Gergen. "But what it does is send a message that the government needs to eat its own dog food, which is pretty much what they're feeding the veterans over at Walter Reed anyway."

Libby's attorneys had vowed to seek a new trial, but have now switched gears to fight the judge's latest decision, which they are calling "unethical and short-sighted."

"What did Mr. Libby do wrong, really?" attorney John Cline asked reporters after the sentence was handed down. "I'll tell you what he did. He lied to protect the Vice President of the United States. And this is how we treat him? Like a common veteran?"

Asked whether the sentencing broke his promise to bring honor back to the White House, President Bush declined to answer. However, when asked whether that was a jelly stain on his lapel, Bush nodded and said, "Yes - grape.

"But listen, you can distract me with all your talkativeness about what I had for lunch yesterday, or we can talk about what really matters," Bush said as an aide wiped his collar with a moist towelette. "Don't we have an extra room or something at Guantanamo that we can put Scoot in until this thing blows over?"

The judge has issued a cease and desist order to workers at Walter Reed to stop cleaning up the layers of black mold on the walls and ceilings. He said that in addition to residing at the facility for the next decade, Libby can also make good use of his time by cleaning it himself.

- CAP News Staff

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Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» CBS cancels new Bill Cosby show, "Women Make The Darnedest Allegations" «» Quarterback Peyton Manning asks to join Detroit Lions "just for this week" so he can try one more time to beat the Patriots «» A survey of children under the age of six finds that most never thought they'd see the day when gas prices dropped below $3 per gallon «»