Thursday | July 24, 2014
Daylight Savings Change Snares VP Pacemaker

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The White House has confirmed that a massive power drain-off Sunday morning in the Washington, DC area was inadvertently caused by Vice President Dick Cheney.

"The Vice President awoke as usual, and as usual his pacemaker immediately tapped into local power systems to feed. That's when the problems started," White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said.

When the pacemaker discovered that every system it encountered had been switched to Daylight Savings Time, its computer chip triggered a diagnostic loop that ran for several minutes, effectively shutting down the Vice President.

"He was just standing there, stuck in a frozen sneer, toothpaste running down his chin," recalled a Secret Service agent assigned to Cheney. "We though it was a stroke or something and called for his doctors."

Before doctors could arrive to treat the Vice President, the pacemaker had exited diagnostic mode and had triggered a level one feed command.

"It was under the assumption that because everything around it was operating on Daylight Savings Time, its clock must have lost three weeks somehow," said Dr. Angelina Brady, cybernetics researcher and author of the book, Digital Dick: The Making of the Vice President. "Ergo, it hadn't fed in three weeks; ergo, it began massively draining everything it could get an electrical fix on."

Everything in this case was the upscale DC neighborhood that Cheney, his wife, and their dog Phuknuts call home. As the pacemaker drew more and more power, house after house went black. The outage slowly grew outwards, triggering a Homeland Security level change for the DC area from yellow to orange.

"We had no clue the power had gone out," said the Secret Service agent. "We were too busy trying to dodge the lightning bolts coming out of the Vice President's head."

A med-tech unit assigned to the Vice President finally arrived on the scene, applied a patch to the pacemaker's software, and the situation was resolved. The entire incident lasted about an hour, and DC utility officers say that while many were shaken by the experience, there appears to be no permanent damage to the capitol's power grid.

This isn't the first time that Cheney's Halliburton-made industrial strength pacemaker has made the news. Just last month it was responsible for saving the lives of the Vice President and everyone else aboard Air Force II when the plane experienced mechanical problems en-route to Singapore.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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