Wednesday | April 1, 2015
Aflac Duck And Geico Gecko Wed In Secret Ceremony
The Geico gecko and Aflac duck on their honeymoon at Secret Beach in Kauai, Hawaii

WOODBURY, NY (CAP) - The future of Aflac Insurance's world-renowned spokesduck took another bizarre twist yesterday when details of the duck's civil union with the Geico gecko in a private ceremony in December were leaked to the media.

Recently Aflac's marketing chief sent shockwaves through the advertising world when he hinted that the company might be silencing the duck. Days later the company issued a statement, reassuring fans and stockholders that the duck would still have a role in the company's future.

Critics have cried foul and suggest the duck's phasing-out was only orchestrated after company officials were alerted to the duck's relationship with its competitor's spokesgecko.

Activists from groups promoting animal rights to those promoting gay rights and gay marriage to those denouncing gay rights and gay marriage have virtually flooded the CAP newsroom with statements for and against the relationship. "Geez, I always thought they were both male," said one activist to the CAP News receptionist. "Uhh, not that there's anything wrong with that."

Insurance companies across the country are outraged; insurance lobbyists and the ACLU have both admitted that they are confused. The Securities and Exchange Commission is looking into charges of tampering, and the Immigration and Naturalization Service is looking into the East London-born gecko's visa status as well.

Howard the Duck, the wise-cracking drake best known for his starring role in the Lea Thompson/Tim Robbins 1986 film of the same name, was the Aflac duck's best man. He spoke to CAP reporters last night from his condominium in Henderson, Nev.

"They both knew this would ruffle some feathers," he explained. "After all, this country isn't as ready for interspecies relationships as it thinks it is. Look at Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson."

CAP News sources reported that the wedding ceremony took 15 minutes, and the vows were so simple, even a caveman could have done them.

- John Gettings
Contributing Writer

SHARE STORY
MORE business NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Burger King announces plans to remove unhealthy options from kids meals, will offer empty boxes for $1.99 «» Porn website '2 Fat Chicks And A Concrete Barrel' files lawsuit against Black Lives Matter for trademark infringement following highway protest in Boston «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» New survey finds 73% of Americans feel like a nut 54% of the time, while 63% of Americans don't 47% of the time «» New York latest state to ban sneezing while driving, calling it the third most distracting event for drivers behind texting and masturbation «»
Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Burger King announces plans to remove unhealthy options from kids meals, will offer empty boxes for $1.99 «» Porn website '2 Fat Chicks And A Concrete Barrel' files lawsuit against Black Lives Matter for trademark infringement following highway protest in Boston «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» New survey finds 73% of Americans feel like a nut 54% of the time, while 63% of Americans don't 47% of the time «» New York latest state to ban sneezing while driving, calling it the third most distracting event for drivers behind texting and masturbation «»