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Al Qaeda To Open Branches In Iraq, Bahrain, Seattle
KABUL, Afghanistan (CAP) - Senior leaders of al Qaeda have announced that the terrorist group is moving forward with plans to open a number of new branches, including expansion into the untapped markets of Pakistan, Bahrain and Seattle, Wash. The news comes after a massive restructuring that saw al Qaeda's workforce reduced by 25,000.
"The Board of Directors has voted unanimously to provide the necessary funding for 12 to 15 new branches around the world," said al Qaeda CFO Abil MusDos al-Fraedo. "However, we are most excited about the possibilities of our new location in Seattle."
al-Fraedo said the group hopes to move into its new digs on 1st Avenue South in Seattle by this fall. They're currently putting a contract out to bid to perform some renovations to the property, including 45 new double-paned windows, an additional 60 spaces in the parking lot, and a terrorist obstacle course and training center behind the building.
"They were actually quite pleasant to deal with," said Seattle Zoning Board member Chad Barker. "They got their paperwork in on time, showed up at the hearings - I think we had one, maybe two death threats when we denied a rezoning request, but eventually they were understanding."
While there were a few small protests when al Qaeda signed the purchase and sale, opponents of the deal were noticeably absent from the city meetings. Most city leaders remained nonplussed about the event, saying that terrorists eat and shop just like anyone else and that any money being put back into the local economy is good business.
"You know, terrorists put their bombs on one strap at a time just like the rest of us," said City Council President Nick Licata. "While I'm not excited about having a terrorist cell right here in Seattle, legally our hands are tied. They could prove to be very good neighbors."
al Qaeda also sought tax-exempt status as a non-profit organization, but the City Council turned that down by a vote of 6-3. A determination on the terrorist group's request for a common victualer's license is still pending.
- CAP News Staff
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