SATIRE

New data released from the leaked NSA telephone surveillance tapes reveals that Americans are ordering out for pizza at an alarming rate yet not calling their mothers nearly as much as they should. However, hour-long conversations with fathers explaining how to open a Word document remain at an all-time high. «» Disney has crowned its newest official princess, a somewhat short and stocky stringy-haired character named Frumpy Fran. "The life and accomplishments of all the other princesses are way too unachievable for little girls," said a spokesperson. "Fran is basically the princess from the projects, which more girls can relate to." «» A local auction house is accepting bids on a rock that came from astronaut Neil Armstrong's shoe. "No, it's not a moon rock or anything like that," said a spokesperson. "I think it got stuck in his shoe while he was working in his garden. But what a conversation piece!" «» Investigators in Boston have uncovered some key evidence at the site of Monday's explosions: a piece of intact resolve in the debris. "We're still determining the origins of the resolve, but one thing's certain," said an FBI source. "This shit wasn't made in China. This is 100% pure American resolve." «» In the wake of stellar ratings for this year's NHL playoffs, Commissioner Gary Bettman has announced plans to kick off next season with another lockout. "We clearly created some sort of artificial demand last time," said Bettman. "So let's do it again. But next year, I'm thinking Finals in July!" «» Kanye West has canceled the release of his new album and pulled all existing copies in the wake of the birth of his daughter. "Oh my God, have you heard those lyrics I wrote?" he said. "I'm a dad now. I can't be all rapping about breasts 'n shit anymore." «» President Obama has announced that Hispanics will be the next ethnic group unfairly targeted with racial profiling by federal law enforcement agencies. "We've done a pretty good number on Muslims over the past decade," Obama said. "I think it's time America took on a new challenge and broadened our horizons." «» With the recent flight of its fifth manned space mission, China is poised to become the first nation to successfully launch a fully operational orbiting forced labor camp. Astronauts on board the country's space station module will spend two years testing the effects of weightlessness on human rights abuses. «» A new study finds that teenagers who regularly use a baby pacifier are 95% less likely to become bullies than those who don't. The positive results come on the heels of Michelle Obama's new Binkies For Bullies program that aims to reduce incidents of bullying by turning perpetrators into targets. «» The Pentagon is accusing Chinese cyberspies of hacking the Twitter accounts of thousands of teenage girls after a flurry of mean, vindictive tweets surfaced. "We knew no one would ever purposefully post such awful things about their own friends," said one official. "So we figured it had to be China." «»

New data released from the leaked NSA telephone surveillance tapes reveals that Americans are ordering out for pizza at an alarming rate yet not calling their mothers nearly as much as they should. However, hour-long conversations with fathers explaining how to open a Word document remain at an all-time high. «» Disney has crowned its newest official princess, a somewhat short and stocky stringy-haired character named Frumpy Fran. "The life and accomplishments of all the other princesses are way too unachievable for little girls," said a spokesperson. "Fran is basically the princess from the projects, which more girls can relate to." «» A local auction house is accepting bids on a rock that came from astronaut Neil Armstrong's shoe. "No, it's not a moon rock or anything like that," said a spokesperson. "I think it got stuck in his shoe while he was working in his garden. But what a conversation piece!" «» Investigators in Boston have uncovered some key evidence at the site of Monday's explosions: a piece of intact resolve in the debris. "We're still determining the origins of the resolve, but one thing's certain," said an FBI source. "This shit wasn't made in China. This is 100% pure American resolve." «» In the wake of stellar ratings for this year's NHL playoffs, Commissioner Gary Bettman has announced plans to kick off next season with another lockout. "We clearly created some sort of artificial demand last time," said Bettman. "So let's do it again. But next year, I'm thinking Finals in July!" «» Kanye West has canceled the release of his new album and pulled all existing copies in the wake of the birth of his daughter. "Oh my God, have you heard those lyrics I wrote?" he said. "I'm a dad now. I can't be all rapping about breasts 'n shit anymore." «» President Obama has announced that Hispanics will be the next ethnic group unfairly targeted with racial profiling by federal law enforcement agencies. "We've done a pretty good number on Muslims over the past decade," Obama said. "I think it's time America took on a new challenge and broadened our horizons." «» With the recent flight of its fifth manned space mission, China is poised to become the first nation to successfully launch a fully operational orbiting forced labor camp. Astronauts on board the country's space station module will spend two years testing the effects of weightlessness on human rights abuses. «» A new study finds that teenagers who regularly use a baby pacifier are 95% less likely to become bullies than those who don't. The positive results come on the heels of Michelle Obama's new Binkies For Bullies program that aims to reduce incidents of bullying by turning perpetrators into targets. «» The Pentagon is accusing Chinese cyberspies of hacking the Twitter accounts of thousands of teenage girls after a flurry of mean, vindictive tweets surfaced. "We knew no one would ever purposefully post such awful things about their own friends," said one official. "So we figured it had to be China." «»