Tuesday | June 30, 2015
NASA Cancels "Sex In Space" Program
Two astronauts on board the shuttle Discovery perform an experiment in NASA's Deep Impact Mission as the other astronauts gather data in the background.

HOUSTON (CAP) - Officials for the National Aeronautics and Space Administration have announced that they are pulling the plug on their relatively new "Sex In Space" program at the International Space Station. This news comes in the wake of astronaut Lisa Nowak's arrest as part of a bizarre love triangle.

"Considering the news that has surfaced over the past few days, we felt that canceling the program was the responsible thing to do," NASA said in a statement released late yesterday. "Remaining funding earmarked for the program will instead be used to educate astronauts on societal taboos upon their return to Earth so the mistakes of astronaut Nowak are not repeated."

The program, known among astronauts and others at Mission Control as "Sex In Space", began receiving funding last summer as part of the Deep Impact Mission, whose stated goal was to get a look at the inside of a comet. However, it appears that particular mission was just a facade.

"There was no comet, no investigation into any core," said a NASA official who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "Do you think the government would really provide funding for us to watch astronauts having sex in space? I mean, come on. Why do you think there are so many female astronauts these days?"

According to the official, the actual goal of the Deep Impact Mission was to test the effects of weightlessness on carnal pleasures and activities. The first experiments were conducted on the space station last summer, which is now believed to have led to the fights that broke out on the Shuttle Discovery shortly after undocking.

"Early test results indicated that humans have a much higher sense of sexuality without the effect of gravity," the anonymous NASA official told CAP News. "This in turn affected various hormone levels as well. What we didn't realize was that those levels might not return to normal once back on Earth. Lisa Nowak is an unfortunate example of that."

Attempts by CAP News to get NASA officials to speak on the record beyond the scope of their press release were unsuccessful and met only with blank stares and hairy palms.

- CAP News Staff

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