Saturday | April 19, 2014
MOST EMAILED
CAUGHT ON FILM
@JimInhofe #GovernmentBaleOuts
A couple pro-pitchfork activists fight anti-pitchfork legislation during a recent rally in Washington, DC.
FROM THE VAULT
April 19, 2007
Clinton Allocates Campaign Funds For Breast AugmentationClinton Allocates Campaign Funds For Breast Augmentation
Fake Advertisement

ECONOMY

Weapons-Grade Plutonium Price Hits All-Time High

Weapons-Grade Plutonium Price Hits All-Time High
Members of the CAP News International Bureau discuss the recent price spikes at this year's Symposium On Macro Terrorist Economics.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The price of weapons-grade Plutonium surged $200 over the past three weeks to an all-time high of just over $4,000 per gram, according to an international survey. And with the start of terrorist season just around the corner, prices are not expected to drop anytime soon.

"This latest price surge smashes the record high for the third time this year," said independent terrorism economist Omar McNalley. "At this point, you have to think it's starting to be priced out of the range of your average terrorist."

Indeed, according to the Bureau Of Labor Statistics, the purchasing power of the average terrorist for Plutonium and other nuclear materials has declined steadily over the past decade, with more and more nuclear threats coming from firms with established terrorism programs.

However, Homeland Security officials warn against thinking the war against terrorism will be won on cost alone.

"The same amount of nuclear material is moving into the wrong hands now as was a year ago," said Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson. "It's just moving into fewer hands. Allows us to keep a closer eye on it, but it's still out there."

According to McNalley, a bump in the price of enriched Uranium, Isotopic-U3O8 35%, is at least partly to blame for the Plutonium spike. And he said that while it's not apparent now, taxpayers will eventually feel the pinch of these rising prices.

"Not only are terrorists having to reach deeper into their pockets, but so are the legitimate users of Plutonium," McNalley said. "This means needing to funnel more taxpayer dollars into nuclear programs, which will in turn take that money away from other things like the war in Afghanistan that isn't taking place."

Economists are in general agreement that the recent price hike may help keep nuclear technology out of Iran's hands for at least a little bit longer.


- CAP News Staff

MORE business NEWS
Fake Advertisement


Advertise Here

    ALL MATERIAL IS

    SATIRE

    AND ©2005-2014 BY CRYSTAL AIR PRODUCTIONS
    United Airlines is launching a pilot program on all domestic flights over two hours that allows passengers to BYOB. "Now that we've furloughed hundreds of flight attendants, passengers need to take care of their own alcohol," said a spokesperson. "If this works, we're going to try BYO Snack Nuts next." «» Snack giant Lay's has introduced a new potato chip called 'Soggy Pickle' for their Childhood Memories line. "No, it's not a flavor: they're actually soaked in pickle juice just like lunch when you were a kid," said one developer. "The tough part is how to keep half the chip crunchy." «» Executives for Life Choice Foods admit they have never actually tasted their own product and after doing so, agree it tastes like crap. "Guess we should have tried these protein bars first," said the CEO. "I had to go eat some dirt to get the taste out of my mouth." «» The White House reports President Obama has taken a temporary job at a local laundromat to help make ends meet during the current government shutdown. "Whites, darks, dry clean, perma press - we've got it all," said Obama. "Listen, if I can do it, the other 700,000 impacted Americans can, too." «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» Vietnamese developer Dong Nguyen has released the long-awaited sequel to Flappy Bird with the latest killer app for social media, Flappy Gums. "People like to talk about theirself and my new app give them point for every self-serving comment they make," Nguyen said. "Double point for posting selfie!" «» The CDC reports that a mysterious stomach ailment has befallen 65% of the American population, with symptoms appearing en masse just hours following the conclusion of the Super Bowl. Most the cases are centered around the Pacific Northwest and appear related to that area's overall consumption of buffalo chicken dip. «» America's biracial families have released a statement condemning new Peanut Butter Cheerios, saying the fury over MSNBC's recent tweet is misplaced. "The real travesty here is that nobody's calling out General Mills for all these craptastic Cheerios flavors they're rolling out," said a spokesperson. "Leave multigrain families out of it." «» Chinese officials are preparing to launch a group of children into space as part of a mission to fix that country's broken moon rover. "We hand-selected the finest worker from all of China sweatshop," said the Xinhua news agency. "They will restore China intergalactic glory or perhaps die trying." «»
    United Airlines is launching a pilot program on all domestic flights over two hours that allows passengers to BYOB. "Now that we've furloughed hundreds of flight attendants, passengers need to take care of their own alcohol," said a spokesperson. "If this works, we're going to try BYO Snack Nuts next." «» Snack giant Lay's has introduced a new potato chip called 'Soggy Pickle' for their Childhood Memories line. "No, it's not a flavor: they're actually soaked in pickle juice just like lunch when you were a kid," said one developer. "The tough part is how to keep half the chip crunchy." «» Executives for Life Choice Foods admit they have never actually tasted their own product and after doing so, agree it tastes like crap. "Guess we should have tried these protein bars first," said the CEO. "I had to go eat some dirt to get the taste out of my mouth." «» The White House reports President Obama has taken a temporary job at a local laundromat to help make ends meet during the current government shutdown. "Whites, darks, dry clean, perma press - we've got it all," said Obama. "Listen, if I can do it, the other 700,000 impacted Americans can, too." «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» Vietnamese developer Dong Nguyen has released the long-awaited sequel to Flappy Bird with the latest killer app for social media, Flappy Gums. "People like to talk about theirself and my new app give them point for every self-serving comment they make," Nguyen said. "Double point for posting selfie!" «» The CDC reports that a mysterious stomach ailment has befallen 65% of the American population, with symptoms appearing en masse just hours following the conclusion of the Super Bowl. Most the cases are centered around the Pacific Northwest and appear related to that area's overall consumption of buffalo chicken dip. «» America's biracial families have released a statement condemning new Peanut Butter Cheerios, saying the fury over MSNBC's recent tweet is misplaced. "The real travesty here is that nobody's calling out General Mills for all these craptastic Cheerios flavors they're rolling out," said a spokesperson. "Leave multigrain families out of it." «» Chinese officials are preparing to launch a group of children into space as part of a mission to fix that country's broken moon rover. "We hand-selected the finest worker from all of China sweatshop," said the Xinhua news agency. "They will restore China intergalactic glory or perhaps die trying." «»