Wednesday | December 17, 2014
Bolton To Become First Diplonaut
John Bolton

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Shortly after NASA announced that it was moving ahead with plans to build a permanent manned moon base by 2024, President Bush nominated outgoing U.N. ambassador John Bolton to the position of U.S. ambassador to the Moon.

"Boltie's doing a heck of a job at the U.N., and he'll do a heck of a job on the moon," President Bush said yesterday following a meeting with Iraqi Fallback Option #6 Leader Malahahalaha Qhamad. "He's a man of fine character, uh, a gooder, gooder man. He'll keep those Moonians in line."

Political insiders are viewing this appointment very favorably, with many feeling that Bolton's inability to get along with others and his brusque style are well-suited for the diplomatic intricacies that will be encountered on the desolate, deserted lunar landscape.

And they're not alone.

Unlike his ascension to the position of U.N. ambassador in August 2005 by recess appointment, Bolton is expected to easily win confirmation in the new democratically-controlled Senate.

"I personally have no problem sending John Bolton to the moon," said Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT). "Hell, I'll buy the friggin' ticket."

The Senate is slated to begin considering Bolton for the position of U.S. ambassador to the Moon in March, 2023.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «» Speaker of the House John Boehner admits slipping Joe Biden $20 to pants President Obama to find out if he's a boxers or briefs guy «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «»