Tuesday | April 21, 2015
Bolton To Become First Diplonaut
John Bolton

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Shortly after NASA announced that it was moving ahead with plans to build a permanent manned moon base by 2024, President Bush nominated outgoing U.N. ambassador John Bolton to the position of U.S. ambassador to the Moon.

"Boltie's doing a heck of a job at the U.N., and he'll do a heck of a job on the moon," President Bush said yesterday following a meeting with Iraqi Fallback Option #6 Leader Malahahalaha Qhamad. "He's a man of fine character, uh, a gooder, gooder man. He'll keep those Moonians in line."

Political insiders are viewing this appointment very favorably, with many feeling that Bolton's inability to get along with others and his brusque style are well-suited for the diplomatic intricacies that will be encountered on the desolate, deserted lunar landscape.

And they're not alone.

Unlike his ascension to the position of U.N. ambassador in August 2005 by recess appointment, Bolton is expected to easily win confirmation in the new democratically-controlled Senate.

"I personally have no problem sending John Bolton to the moon," said Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT). "Hell, I'll buy the friggin' ticket."

The Senate is slated to begin considering Bolton for the position of U.S. ambassador to the Moon in March, 2023.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «» Utah becomes first state to offer stoning as death penalty option, saying it's a criminal's right to have their head bashed in «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «»