Wednesday | April 1, 2015
Bolton To Become First Diplonaut
John Bolton

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Shortly after NASA announced that it was moving ahead with plans to build a permanent manned moon base by 2024, President Bush nominated outgoing U.N. ambassador John Bolton to the position of U.S. ambassador to the Moon.

"Boltie's doing a heck of a job at the U.N., and he'll do a heck of a job on the moon," President Bush said yesterday following a meeting with Iraqi Fallback Option #6 Leader Malahahalaha Qhamad. "He's a man of fine character, uh, a gooder, gooder man. He'll keep those Moonians in line."

Political insiders are viewing this appointment very favorably, with many feeling that Bolton's inability to get along with others and his brusque style are well-suited for the diplomatic intricacies that will be encountered on the desolate, deserted lunar landscape.

And they're not alone.

Unlike his ascension to the position of U.N. ambassador in August 2005 by recess appointment, Bolton is expected to easily win confirmation in the new democratically-controlled Senate.

"I personally have no problem sending John Bolton to the moon," said Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT). "Hell, I'll buy the friggin' ticket."

The Senate is slated to begin considering Bolton for the position of U.S. ambassador to the Moon in March, 2023.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Five senior GOP lawmakers charged with hazing after administering swirlies and bare-buttock paddling on the 12 new freshman senators «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»