LONDON (CAP) - British health officials scrambling to defuse a potential public-relations disaster over trace amounts of a radioactive substance found on three British Airways planes are now coming forward with good news for holiday travelers. Early tests indicate that cancer rates on those planes are at an all-time low.
"Sure, passengers are a little bit balder when they land than when they took off," said British Secretary of State for Health Patricia Hewitt. "But we've seen a massive reduction in the number and size of active cancer cases on board those flights. A small price to pay, no?"
As news of the testing results spread, BA officials reported an increase in bookings by 25%, with an expected increase of up to 70% by the time the holiday rush concludes. This has spurred the airline to replace its old slogn, "The Way To Fly," with the newly adopted, "The Way To A Cure."
"The hype and health benefits will eventually die down as the radiation dissipates," said British Airways CEO Willie Walsh. "We certainly aren't going to artificially inflate those radiation levels just for the sake of keeping the seats full of cancer patients seeking relief. Oh no, we'd never do that."
However, according to an email intercepted by the CAP News Hacking Dept., BA officials have no intention of letting their new cash cow vanish along with the radiation. The email indicates that starting next month, the airline plans to set aside at least one of the affected airplanes as a "Cancer Flight" that will receive radiation bursts on a regular basis.
"We certainly don't condone this kind of treatment," said Amy Wessel of the American Association for Cancer Research. "But, if they're gonna do it anyway, we'll reap the benefits. I'm especially interested to see if a little radiation here and there can also help prevent some cancers from even starting. Okay, I'm downright excited."
A number of other airlines appear to be taking the opposite approach, launching campaigns to highlight the fact that their planes are radiation-free. Southwest has been the first one out of the gate with its new promotional tagline, "You are now radiation-free as you move around the country."
- CAP News Staff