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CHICAGO, Ill. (CAP) - For geneticist Bob Ballou, Christmas came early this year.
"The wife called with the news, said she heard it on Tesh or something," Ballou recalls. "I didn't believe it at first. Who would, you know? Then the phone started ringing off the hook."
After fielding calls from colleagues in the U.S. and Canada, Bob Ballou knew that it was true: Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson had broken up. One more piece of an improbable puzzle, nearly the last piece in fact, had fallen into place.
The story started back in the late '80s when Bob Ballou was working as a consultant on the Jerry Springer show. One day after a particularly brutal midget fight show, Springer came up to Ballou and said something that would change his life.
"Jerry says something like, 'Boy, those midgets just don't quit. I wish trailer trash had that kind of energy,' and he was right," Ballou says. "Trailer trash would generally take a poke at each other and within five minutes they're pounding Schlitz beer together and ragging on the Dixie Chicks. Not midgets. Those little bastards would have killed each other if you kept standing them up and pushing them in the right direction."
Ballou set out to create what he calls "Super Trash," a specimen of trailer trash so finely tuned as to almost transcend the species. Early experiments with inbreeding, while entertaining, ultimately proved futile. Attempts to "fund" the evolution of trailer trash by giving huge chucks of money to poor whites led to an explosion in niche industries and created millionaires out of the shareholders of companies such as The Dayton Pink Flamingo Company and NASCAR Commemorative Plates, Inc.
Ballou finally settled on an approach that embraced selective breeding, and early computer models seemed very favorable, with one notable hitch: the Super Trash prototype had to come from two specific genetic donors.
"Britney Spears and Kid Rock," Ballou says, shaking his head. "It was so obvious, so simple. How do you get Super Trash? From combining the two most successful examples of trailer trash on the planet. All that was left was to get them together."
Thus was born the Super Trash Doctors (STD), a fiercely-determined coalition of rogue geneticists located across North America. Their effort got a major boost earlier this year when Britney kicked K Fed to the curb; rumor has it that an STD was responsible. Now with Kid Rock on the market, the coalition's goal is tantalizingly within reach.
"All we have to do is get them in a room together and then we're down to two piece of the puzzle. He has to be drunk, and she has to spread her legs." Bob Ballou smiles, his face a study in patient expectation. "I'm fairly confident."
Meanwhile, STD polling on potential Super Trash baby names has "Lou Ann" and "Cletus" as early favorites, although the unisex "Dwayne" is also proving very popular.