Thursday | April 28, 2016
Study: Americans To Tire Of Relatives Earlier This Year

MILWAUKEE, Wis. (CAP) - Researchers at the International Living And Working Society (InLaWS) have announced the results of their annual "Family And The Holidays" study. For the fourth year in a row, Christian Americans will get tired of their relatives before Christmas even arrives.

4:42pm on December 23rd, to be exact.

"After 9/11, we saw FTF - the Family Tolerance Factor - jump to pre-1970 levels, but that was short-lived," said InLaWS Director of Research Leonard Medway. "Within a couple years, we were back to the downward trend we've been seeing since the Reagan administration."

Medway said he remembers chuckling with other researchers when the FTF Zero Tolerance Date first landed on Christmas itself, back in 1997.

"11:06am it was," said Medway. "It's like you're barely done opening presents and you just want Aunt Midge to get the hell out of your house. It's sad, really. Especially after all the trouble she went through to knit you that sweater."

But the study is not without its critics. Libby Garvey at the Centers for Research and Sociological Study (CRaSS) said the situation is nowhere near as dire as the numbers make it seem.

"All families are different, yet InLaWS will gladly stereotype just to make an invalid point," said Garvey. "Our society doesn't need InLaWS. They're not bringing families together; they're tearing them apart."

The study also found that Jewish families will tire of each other before the third candle is even lit, although many say they've been sick and tired of their family since 5765.

"For me, I'd peg the date at last May, when my brother-in-law Benny borrowed my rake and never returned it," said one Jewish man interviewed by CAP News. "Come to think of it, he still has my ratchet set, too. That's it! He's not stepping foot inside my house - I will not be walked on like this!

"You had to get me going, didn't you?" the man complained to this reporter. "And it was a Craftsman, too! Oy vey!"

The InLaWS study will be published in this month's issue of the journal Waiting Room, along with a CRaSS rebuttal.

- CAP News Staff

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