Wednesday | April 1, 2015
Study: Americans To Tire Of Relatives Earlier This Year

MILWAUKEE, Wis. (CAP) - Researchers at the International Living And Working Society (InLaWS) have announced the results of their annual "Family And The Holidays" study. For the fourth year in a row, Christian Americans will get tired of their relatives before Christmas even arrives.

4:42pm on December 23rd, to be exact.

"After 9/11, we saw FTF - the Family Tolerance Factor - jump to pre-1970 levels, but that was short-lived," said InLaWS Director of Research Leonard Medway. "Within a couple years, we were back to the downward trend we've been seeing since the Reagan administration."

Medway said he remembers chuckling with other researchers when the FTF Zero Tolerance Date first landed on Christmas itself, back in 1997.

"11:06am it was," said Medway. "It's like you're barely done opening presents and you just want Aunt Midge to get the hell out of your house. It's sad, really. Especially after all the trouble she went through to knit you that sweater."

But the study is not without its critics. Libby Garvey at the Centers for Research and Sociological Study (CRaSS) said the situation is nowhere near as dire as the numbers make it seem.

"All families are different, yet InLaWS will gladly stereotype just to make an invalid point," said Garvey. "Our society doesn't need InLaWS. They're not bringing families together; they're tearing them apart."

The study also found that Jewish families will tire of each other before the third candle is even lit, although many say they've been sick and tired of their family since 5765.

"For me, I'd peg the date at last May, when my brother-in-law Benny borrowed my rake and never returned it," said one Jewish man interviewed by CAP News. "Come to think of it, he still has my ratchet set, too. That's it! He's not stepping foot inside my house - I will not be walked on like this!

"You had to get me going, didn't you?" the man complained to this reporter. "And it was a Craftsman, too! Oy vey!"

The InLaWS study will be published in this month's issue of the journal Waiting Room, along with a CRaSS rebuttal.

- CAP News Staff

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New survey finds 73% of Americans feel like a nut 54% of the time, while 63% of Americans don't 47% of the time «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Texas appeals court upholds ruling that bans sale of home abortion kits, says instructional DVD not detailed enough and needs better actors «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Burger King announces plans to remove unhealthy options from kids meals, will offer empty boxes for $1.99 «»