Thursday | April 24, 2014
MOST EMAILED
CAUGHT ON FILM
@JimInhofe #GovernmentBaleOuts
A couple pro-pitchfork activists fight anti-pitchfork legislation during a recent rally in Washington, DC.
FROM THE VAULT
April 17, 2008
NHL Asks Pope To Skate For Rangers Vs DevilsNHL Asks Pope To Skate For Rangers Vs Devils
Fake Advertisement

INT'L POLITICS

Bush Completes Air National Guard Duty In Vietnam

Bush Completes Air National Guard Duty In Vietnam

HANOI, Vietnam (CAP) - The sputtering drone of a single-engine Cessna interrupts the stillness of a rice paddy just outside of Hanoi, Vietnam. Working peasants look up briefly to watch it slip along the horizon, stalling out and then dipping towards the ground before roaring to life and climbing back up from sure annihilation.

"Drunk Hai Quan steal crop duster again," says one elderly Vietnamese man as he shakes his head.

"That no drunk Hai Quan, that President Bush," says another. They all wearily watch as the plane wanders out of sight.

It took three decades and a mandate-shattering election, but President George W. Bush is finally fulfilling his commitment to the Texas Air National Guard with a series of solo flights over the uneasy Vietnamese countryside.

"The law at the time was that if you didn't fulfill your National Guard obligation, you had to go to Vietnam," said Press Sectary Tony Snow. "President Bush was going to be in Vietnam anyways for the Pacific Rim conference, so it was really a no-brainer."

Bush's assigned tasks during his brief tour in Vietnam will include washing and then fly-drying planes (to benefit the Hanoi Boys & Girls Club), taking children for rides at a series of local fairs, and bringing fish and rice to a group of men repairing a canal twenty clicks north of the city.

"President Bush, he's good man," says one of the workers. He points around to some of the men laboring on the canal. "President Bush calls him Brownie, him Squinty, him Amber Tattoo. He calls me Rice A Ronnie." Rice A Ronnie admits that the men do look forward to their daily visits from the American president.

"You hear stalling plane noise, you think, Lunch! Well, first you think hide under something, but stomach start grumbling too."

Between the Pacific Rim meetings and his National Guard duties, it is a hectic schedule for President Bush during his swing through Asia. Ever the disciplined multi-tasker, he even manages to squeeze in policy research during a rare sight-seeing trip to the Saigon Embassy Museum in Ho Chi Minh City. The site of the Americans' last stand in the Vietnam War, the museum now houses a wealth of American '70s nostalgia and features three Run Yankee, Run! shows a day that dramatize the harried helicopter evacuation of the US embassy in 1975.

"Hey, Rimjob, we got any buildings this big in the Baghdad Green Zone?" Bush asks an aide. His entourage waits for the usual "Heh, heh, heh" to follow the question, but it never comes. Bush has wandered away, his mind already ferrying fish north to the communist canal workers.


- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

MORE politics NEWS
Fake Advertisement


Advertise Here

    ALL MATERIAL IS

    SATIRE

    AND ©2005-2014 BY CRYSTAL AIR PRODUCTIONS
    After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» The man whose job it is to hold the 'applause' sign to queue audience members during President Obama's speeches is demanding a pay raise. "My arms still hurt from the State of the Union," Fritz Gorman said. "And I swear Joe Biden just claps whenever he feels like it. Loser." «» Former first lady Hillary Clinton admitted to CAP News that she hasn't showered since 1996, a defensive mechanism she used to keep Bill away. "It was rough smelling that ripe for so long," she said. "But now that I'm 66, I use old lady perfume and that shit masks everything." «» Following his assertion that marijuana is no worse than alcohol, President Obama continued his comparison crusade by suggesting that eating gizzards is no worse than eating chitlins. "Cooked stomach or cooked intestine: what's the difference? They both taste like ass," he noted. "Black people need to do better than that." «» Researchers at MIT have finished calculating President Obama's approval rating, which they say can be obtained by use of the imaginary number i. "We all learned about the square root of negative one in school," said one mathematician. "But to find it applied in the real world is truly spectacular." «» Liz Cheney has announced that despite her carnal desires to continue pushing, she has decided to pull out. While most family members were tight-lipped over the announcement, sister Mary said she didn't think Liz "ever had it in her to begin with" and was likely faking the entire time. «» A new McClatchy-Marist poll finds President Obama's approval rating has soared to the highest of his presidency among deaf Americans following his speech at Nelson Mandela's memorial service. The sign language interpreter at the service was reportedly "signing gibberish" but clearly what he was signing resonated with deaf Americans. «» Following word that he's leaving the Republican Party, Sen. Ted Cruz has announced that he's also leaving the Hispanic race for an ethnicity to be named later. "Time to try my hand at a new race, or even start my own," Cruz said. "I wish Hispanics all the best, though." «» The White House denies rumors that President Obama is using the powers of the NSA to monitor daughter Malia's phone calls. "I am totally not picking up another line, covering the mouth piece, and listening when boys call her," Obama said. "I much prefer to eavesdrop through her bedroom door." «» President Obama was caught hitting on a pregnant woman during a speech in the White House Rose Garden yesterday when she swooned and fell lovingly into his arms. "Talking about Obamacare does have that effect on women," said an aide. "The whole thing had this weird Scandal vibe to it." «»
    After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» The man whose job it is to hold the 'applause' sign to queue audience members during President Obama's speeches is demanding a pay raise. "My arms still hurt from the State of the Union," Fritz Gorman said. "And I swear Joe Biden just claps whenever he feels like it. Loser." «» Former first lady Hillary Clinton admitted to CAP News that she hasn't showered since 1996, a defensive mechanism she used to keep Bill away. "It was rough smelling that ripe for so long," she said. "But now that I'm 66, I use old lady perfume and that shit masks everything." «» Following his assertion that marijuana is no worse than alcohol, President Obama continued his comparison crusade by suggesting that eating gizzards is no worse than eating chitlins. "Cooked stomach or cooked intestine: what's the difference? They both taste like ass," he noted. "Black people need to do better than that." «» Researchers at MIT have finished calculating President Obama's approval rating, which they say can be obtained by use of the imaginary number i. "We all learned about the square root of negative one in school," said one mathematician. "But to find it applied in the real world is truly spectacular." «» Liz Cheney has announced that despite her carnal desires to continue pushing, she has decided to pull out. While most family members were tight-lipped over the announcement, sister Mary said she didn't think Liz "ever had it in her to begin with" and was likely faking the entire time. «» A new McClatchy-Marist poll finds President Obama's approval rating has soared to the highest of his presidency among deaf Americans following his speech at Nelson Mandela's memorial service. The sign language interpreter at the service was reportedly "signing gibberish" but clearly what he was signing resonated with deaf Americans. «» Following word that he's leaving the Republican Party, Sen. Ted Cruz has announced that he's also leaving the Hispanic race for an ethnicity to be named later. "Time to try my hand at a new race, or even start my own," Cruz said. "I wish Hispanics all the best, though." «» The White House denies rumors that President Obama is using the powers of the NSA to monitor daughter Malia's phone calls. "I am totally not picking up another line, covering the mouth piece, and listening when boys call her," Obama said. "I much prefer to eavesdrop through her bedroom door." «» President Obama was caught hitting on a pregnant woman during a speech in the White House Rose Garden yesterday when she swooned and fell lovingly into his arms. "Talking about Obamacare does have that effect on women," said an aide. "The whole thing had this weird Scandal vibe to it." «»