Wednesday | November 26, 2014
FDA Approves Drug To Combat Campaign Season

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Merck & Co. received federal approval yesterday to market a new vaccine considered to be the first of its kind to fight the effects of campaigning. Unlike its predecessors, Republinol claims to be effective with both major political parties.

"Campaign season is hot and heavy," said Food & Drug Administration Commissioner Margaret Hamburg. "While proven to be a good preventative measure, what we don't know is how successful this drug will be for someone who's already experiencing the effects of campaigning."

However, according to the FDA, campaign-related skin lesions in 30 percent of the 107 voters tested in two clinical trials did show improvement. Additionally, pre-recorded phone calls from politicians seeking re-election dropped back significantly.

Vaccinations are being recommended for people at high risk for complications from campaigning, specifically adults ages 18 to 59. While symptoms don't appear to be as severe in unregistered voters as in their registered counterparts, Hamburg said anyone with access to a television set is susceptible.

Merck plans to offer both injectable and nasal spray vaccines as well as a capsule form. Vaccinations will cost $30 for those who are insured, $129 for those with Medicare. Illegal immigrants can get shots for free at local clinics.

Hamburg said the medicine is not approved for use with members of the Tea Party. Merck officials confirmed that they are working on a prescription version of the drug, Republinol With Codeine, that will have a larger dose of active ingredients to help fight the spread of third party candidates.

Side effects of the drug include higher taxes, lower standards and general apathy, the FDA said.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE health NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2014 BY CAP NEWS
Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» More Americans feeling compelled to visit relatives over Thanksgiving break due to falling gas prices, wish gas stayed above $3 per gallon just until the holidays were over «» CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» CBS cancels new Bill Cosby show, "Women Make The Darnedest Allegations" «»
Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» More Americans feeling compelled to visit relatives over Thanksgiving break due to falling gas prices, wish gas stayed above $3 per gallon just until the holidays were over «» CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» CBS cancels new Bill Cosby show, "Women Make The Darnedest Allegations" «»