Sunday | April 19, 2015
FDA Approves Drug To Combat Campaign Season

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Merck & Co. received federal approval yesterday to market a new vaccine considered to be the first of its kind to fight the effects of campaigning. Unlike its predecessors, Republinol claims to be effective with both major political parties.

"Campaign season is hot and heavy," said Food & Drug Administration Commissioner Margaret Hamburg. "While proven to be a good preventative measure, what we don't know is how successful this drug will be for someone who's already experiencing the effects of campaigning."

However, according to the FDA, campaign-related skin lesions in 30 percent of the 107 voters tested in two clinical trials did show improvement. Additionally, pre-recorded phone calls from politicians seeking re-election dropped back significantly.

Vaccinations are being recommended for people at high risk for complications from campaigning, specifically adults ages 18 to 59. While symptoms don't appear to be as severe in unregistered voters as in their registered counterparts, Hamburg said anyone with access to a television set is susceptible.

Merck plans to offer both injectable and nasal spray vaccines as well as a capsule form. Vaccinations will cost $30 for those who are insured, $129 for those with Medicare. Illegal immigrants can get shots for free at local clinics.

Hamburg said the medicine is not approved for use with members of the Tea Party. Merck officials confirmed that they are working on a prescription version of the drug, Republinol With Codeine, that will have a larger dose of active ingredients to help fight the spread of third party candidates.

Side effects of the drug include higher taxes, lower standards and general apathy, the FDA said.

- CAP News Staff

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New survey finds 73% of Americans feel like a nut 54% of the time, while 63% of Americans don't 47% of the time «» Massachusetts courts upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «» Utah becomes first state to offer stoning as death penalty option, saying it's a criminal's right to have their head bashed in «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»