Thursday | September 3, 2015
FDA Approves Drug To Combat Campaign Season

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Merck & Co. received federal approval yesterday to market a new vaccine considered to be the first of its kind to fight the effects of campaigning. Unlike its predecessors, Republinol claims to be effective with both major political parties.

"Campaign season is hot and heavy," said Food & Drug Administration Commissioner Margaret Hamburg. "While proven to be a good preventative measure, what we don't know is how successful this drug will be for someone who's already experiencing the effects of campaigning."

However, according to the FDA, campaign-related skin lesions in 30 percent of the 107 voters tested in two clinical trials did show improvement. Additionally, pre-recorded phone calls from politicians seeking re-election dropped back significantly.

Vaccinations are being recommended for people at high risk for complications from campaigning, specifically adults ages 18 to 59. While symptoms don't appear to be as severe in unregistered voters as in their registered counterparts, Hamburg said anyone with access to a television set is susceptible.

Merck plans to offer both injectable and nasal spray vaccines as well as a capsule form. Vaccinations will cost $30 for those who are insured, $129 for those with Medicare. Illegal immigrants can get shots for free at local clinics.

Hamburg said the medicine is not approved for use with members of the Tea Party. Merck officials confirmed that they are working on a prescription version of the drug, Republinol With Codeine, that will have a larger dose of active ingredients to help fight the spread of third party candidates.

Side effects of the drug include higher taxes, lower standards and general apathy, the FDA said.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE health NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
President Obama visits Alaska, vows to reunite cast of 'Northern Exposure' for show's 20th anniversary «» Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis now refuses to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, saying after three divorces she just doesn't believe in marriage at all anymore «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «»
President Obama visits Alaska, vows to reunite cast of 'Northern Exposure' for show's 20th anniversary «» Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis now refuses to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, saying after three divorces she just doesn't believe in marriage at all anymore «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «»