Monday | April 21, 2014
MOST EMAILED
CAUGHT ON FILM
@ChrisChristie #LetThemEatLard
NJ Gov. Christie discusses his plan to combat weight reduction efforts in his favorite aisle at the local grocery store.
FROM THE VAULT
April 19, 2007
Clinton Allocates Campaign Funds For Breast AugmentationClinton Allocates Campaign Funds For Breast Augmentation
Fake Advertisement

MEDICINE

FDA Approves Drug To Combat Campaign Season
FDA Approves Drug To Combat Campaign Season

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Merck & Co. received federal approval yesterday to market a new vaccine considered to be the first of its kind to fight the effects of campaigning. Unlike its predecessors, Republinol claims to be effective with both major political parties.

"Campaign season is hot and heavy," said Food & Drug Administration Commissioner Margaret Hamburg. "While proven to be a good preventative measure, what we don't know is how successful this drug will be for someone who's already experiencing the effects of campaigning."

However, according to the FDA, campaign-related skin lesions in 30 percent of the 107 voters tested in two clinical trials did show improvement. Additionally, pre-recorded phone calls from politicians seeking re-election dropped back significantly.

FDA Approves Drug To Combat Campaign Season
FDA Commissioner Margaret Hamburg

Vaccinations are being recommended for people at high risk for complications from campaigning, specifically adults ages 18 to 59. While symptoms don't appear to be as severe in unregistered voters as in their registered counterparts, Hamburg said anyone with access to a television set is susceptible.

Merck plans to offer both injectable and nasal spray vaccines as well as a capsule form. Vaccinations will cost $30 for those who are insured, $129 for those with Medicare. Illegal immigrants can get shots for free at local clinics.

Hamburg said the medicine is not approved for use with members of the Tea Party. Merck officials confirmed that they are working on a prescription version of the drug, Republinol With Codeine, that will have a larger dose of active ingredients to help fight the spread of third party candidates.

Side effects of the drug include higher taxes, lower standards and general apathy, the FDA said.


- CAP News Staff

MORE health NEWS
Fake Advertisement


Advertise Here

    ALL MATERIAL IS

    SATIRE

    AND ©2005-2014 BY CRYSTAL AIR PRODUCTIONS
    Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» The CDC reports that a mysterious stomach ailment has befallen 65% of the American population, with symptoms appearing en masse just hours following the conclusion of the Super Bowl. Most the cases are centered around the Pacific Northwest and appear related to that area's overall consumption of buffalo chicken dip. «» A new study recommends that people receiving bad news do so while standing up to increase their chances of survival. "We always make someone sit down before delivering bad news," said one researcher. "But since sitting is bad for your heart, that combination could just kill you on the spot." «» The estate of shipping magnate Daniel Ludwig has donated $90 million to Harvard University for development of a vaccine to fight the debilitating disease affluenza. "What better place to find a cure for a condition affecting rich white kids than Harvard?" said an estate trustee. "They're the perfect test subjects." «» The newly fixed Obamacare website healthcare.gov has relaunched with some amazing Cyber Monday deals for the uninsured, including half off coverage for all children with apostrophes in their names. "Plus, if you buy insurance for two illegitimate children, we'll give you the third bastard free!" said Health Secretary Kathleen Sebelius. «» New information following the disastrous launch of the healthcare.gov website reveals that 87% of those who enrolled in Obamacare actually thought they were buying lottery tickets. "I inputted my EBT card and was 'specting my numbers for Hot Lotto Sizzler," said one man. "How'm I gonna play online poker now?" «» A United Nations agency with extra money in its budget has released a report stating that the leading cause of smog is outdoor air pollution. "We also believe smoke emanating from factories leads to air pollution," said the lead researcher. "But we'll need another grant before we can confirm that." «» A new study from that reputable medical facility finds the new health food you've been eating is actually bad for you. "We fed it to rats and they got violently ill," said one researcher. "Granted we gave them more than a 275-pound man could eat, but still. You've been warned." «» A new study finds that hospital precautions like signs stating You Must Be This Tall and programs highlighting the dangers of dwarf tossing do little to stop the growing epidemic of midget fights in waiting rooms. The problem is expected to worsen under Obamacare as more midgets obtain health insurance. «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «»
    Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» The CDC reports that a mysterious stomach ailment has befallen 65% of the American population, with symptoms appearing en masse just hours following the conclusion of the Super Bowl. Most the cases are centered around the Pacific Northwest and appear related to that area's overall consumption of buffalo chicken dip. «» A new study recommends that people receiving bad news do so while standing up to increase their chances of survival. "We always make someone sit down before delivering bad news," said one researcher. "But since sitting is bad for your heart, that combination could just kill you on the spot." «» The estate of shipping magnate Daniel Ludwig has donated $90 million to Harvard University for development of a vaccine to fight the debilitating disease affluenza. "What better place to find a cure for a condition affecting rich white kids than Harvard?" said an estate trustee. "They're the perfect test subjects." «» The newly fixed Obamacare website healthcare.gov has relaunched with some amazing Cyber Monday deals for the uninsured, including half off coverage for all children with apostrophes in their names. "Plus, if you buy insurance for two illegitimate children, we'll give you the third bastard free!" said Health Secretary Kathleen Sebelius. «» New information following the disastrous launch of the healthcare.gov website reveals that 87% of those who enrolled in Obamacare actually thought they were buying lottery tickets. "I inputted my EBT card and was 'specting my numbers for Hot Lotto Sizzler," said one man. "How'm I gonna play online poker now?" «» A United Nations agency with extra money in its budget has released a report stating that the leading cause of smog is outdoor air pollution. "We also believe smoke emanating from factories leads to air pollution," said the lead researcher. "But we'll need another grant before we can confirm that." «» A new study from that reputable medical facility finds the new health food you've been eating is actually bad for you. "We fed it to rats and they got violently ill," said one researcher. "Granted we gave them more than a 275-pound man could eat, but still. You've been warned." «» A new study finds that hospital precautions like signs stating You Must Be This Tall and programs highlighting the dangers of dwarf tossing do little to stop the growing epidemic of midget fights in waiting rooms. The problem is expected to worsen under Obamacare as more midgets obtain health insurance. «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «»