Friday | September 4, 2015
Bush Vows Sanctions Against Streisand For F-Bomb Test
President Bush outlines the proposed sanctions against Barbra Streisand.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - President Bush is calling for strict sanctions against Barbra Streisand for recently dropping the F-Bomb in concert.

Streisand's unannounced F-Bomb test shocked the international community, although it did draw praise from thousands of Streisand fans who commented, "Meow!" and moved their clawed hands up and down in a scratching motion.

"We can't let just anyone go around using the F-Bomb," said Bush in a press conference yesterday. "All Americans will sleep better at night knowing that the F-Bomb is in the exclusive possession of Dick Cheney."

Streisand dropped the F-Bomb during a concert at Madison Square Garden when a heckler spoke out against a political skit in the show. Sherman Tuchman, professor of political science and popular culture at Tufts University, said the move, while surprising, was actually fairly humane, "especially when you consider that previous concerts have included clips from Yentl.

"Many experts believe that actually violated the Geneva Convention," noted Tuchman.

Bush, meanwhile, has rejected international appeals for the United States to hold one-on-one talks with Streisand. "Somehow I don't think we'd get a word in edgewise," said Bush, adding that he did, however, enjoy her work in Hello Dolly.

"I liked how she would run around after Walter Matthau saying, Mr. Vandergelder! Mr. Vandergelder! - that was kinda funny," said Bush, who then snorted.

According to White House spokesman Tony Snow, the suggested sanctions could include denying Streisand access to film, so she couldn't direct any more movies where the camera lingers lovingly on her mini-skirted legs.

"Although she does have pretty good gams for an old broad," admitted Snow. Then David Gregory held him down and gave him repeated noogies.

Despite the brouhaha, Bush says the U.S. has no intention of using military force against the 64-year-old icon, mainly because he's afraid James Brolin will come to his house and kick his ass.

"I'm no fool," said Bush. "I watched every episode of Pensacola: Wings of Gold."

- CAP News Staff

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President Obama visits Alaska, vows to reunite cast of 'Northern Exposure' for show's 20th anniversary «» Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis now refuses to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, saying after three divorces she just doesn't believe in marriage at all anymore «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «»