Monday | April 27, 2015
Kutcher Hits Mark Coming Of Apocalypse
A mid-19th century photograph of German artist Albrecht Durer's "Solo Horseman of the Apocalypse" bears an uncanny resemblance to Ashton Kutcher.

HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Two Ashton Kutcher movies, Open Season and The Guardian, took first and second place at the box office last weekend, prompting theologians to declare that the end of the world is nigh.

"If you've been looking for a sign, they don't get much clearer than this," said Dr. Seth Gunderson, a professor of theology at Tufts University. "Unless you were walking out of one of the movies and immediately contracted the plague, were washed away in a flood and witnessed the birth of the antichrist."

Kutcher plays a talking deer in Open Season and Kevin Costner's sidekick in The Guardian. According to Gunderson, "Either of those alone would probably be enough to send apocalyptic lightning bolts through the audience's torsos, like with the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. But both together ... Brrr!"

The Kutcher one-two punch could actually fall under several signs of the End Times, including "pestilence" and "strange lights in the sky," say experts, several of whom have predicted that all Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse would likely storm onto the set of "The Insider" during the box office update this week and decapitate Pat O'Brien with their fiery swords.

"I'm a little surprised it's him," said one Hollywood producer who asked not to be named. "I thought it would be a hit movie for Paris Hilton that brought on the Apocalypse, but then again, we're talking about the end of the world in a blazing Rapture, not something far-fetched."

Some skeptics have pointed out that most prophecies don't predict the world will end until 2012, but the producer pointed out that it will probably take at least that long for the films to make their final gross, including DVD and cable revenues.

- CAP News Staff

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Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «» Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «»