Thursday | November 20, 2014
Kutcher Hits Mark Coming Of Apocalypse
A mid-19th century photograph of German artist Albrecht Durer's "Solo Horseman of the Apocalypse" bears an uncanny resemblance to Ashton Kutcher.

HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Two Ashton Kutcher movies, Open Season and The Guardian, took first and second place at the box office last weekend, prompting theologians to declare that the end of the world is nigh.

"If you've been looking for a sign, they don't get much clearer than this," said Dr. Seth Gunderson, a professor of theology at Tufts University. "Unless you were walking out of one of the movies and immediately contracted the plague, were washed away in a flood and witnessed the birth of the antichrist."

Kutcher plays a talking deer in Open Season and Kevin Costner's sidekick in The Guardian. According to Gunderson, "Either of those alone would probably be enough to send apocalyptic lightning bolts through the audience's torsos, like with the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. But both together ... Brrr!"

The Kutcher one-two punch could actually fall under several signs of the End Times, including "pestilence" and "strange lights in the sky," say experts, several of whom have predicted that all Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse would likely storm onto the set of "The Insider" during the box office update this week and decapitate Pat O'Brien with their fiery swords.

"I'm a little surprised it's him," said one Hollywood producer who asked not to be named. "I thought it would be a hit movie for Paris Hilton that brought on the Apocalypse, but then again, we're talking about the end of the world in a blazing Rapture, not something far-fetched."

Some skeptics have pointed out that most prophecies don't predict the world will end until 2012, but the producer pointed out that it will probably take at least that long for the films to make their final gross, including DVD and cable revenues.

- CAP News Staff

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CBS cancels new Bill Cosby show, "Women Make The Darnedest Allegations" «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» Quarterback Peyton Manning asks to join Indianapolis Colts "just for this week" so he can try one more time to beat the Patriots «» A survey of children under the age of six finds that most never thought they'd see the day when gas prices dropped below $3 per gallon «» Military enlistment skyrockets as thousands seek free meals at Denny's and Golden Corral on Veteran's Day «» Kmart asks employees to celebrate Thanksgiving the weekend before so they can work on Thanksgiving itself «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «»