Tuesday | March 3, 2015
Kutcher Hits Mark Coming Of Apocalypse
A mid-19th century photograph of German artist Albrecht Durer's "Solo Horseman of the Apocalypse" bears an uncanny resemblance to Ashton Kutcher.

HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Two Ashton Kutcher movies, Open Season and The Guardian, took first and second place at the box office last weekend, prompting theologians to declare that the end of the world is nigh.

"If you've been looking for a sign, they don't get much clearer than this," said Dr. Seth Gunderson, a professor of theology at Tufts University. "Unless you were walking out of one of the movies and immediately contracted the plague, were washed away in a flood and witnessed the birth of the antichrist."

Kutcher plays a talking deer in Open Season and Kevin Costner's sidekick in The Guardian. According to Gunderson, "Either of those alone would probably be enough to send apocalyptic lightning bolts through the audience's torsos, like with the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. But both together ... Brrr!"

The Kutcher one-two punch could actually fall under several signs of the End Times, including "pestilence" and "strange lights in the sky," say experts, several of whom have predicted that all Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse would likely storm onto the set of "The Insider" during the box office update this week and decapitate Pat O'Brien with their fiery swords.

"I'm a little surprised it's him," said one Hollywood producer who asked not to be named. "I thought it would be a hit movie for Paris Hilton that brought on the Apocalypse, but then again, we're talking about the end of the world in a blazing Rapture, not something far-fetched."

Some skeptics have pointed out that most prophecies don't predict the world will end until 2012, but the producer pointed out that it will probably take at least that long for the films to make their final gross, including DVD and cable revenues.

- CAP News Staff

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Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «» The X-Files returning to Fox with all-new characters E-Cigarette Man, Dentures Man, and Edward Snowden as leader of the reconstituted Lone Gunmen «» AC-DC accepts invite to play Coachella 2015, requests to be off stage by 7pm before they become "cranky and irritable" from being up too late «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» White House upset President Obama wasn't told Benjamin Netanyahu would be guest caller for Congressional Bingo Night «» FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «» Experts question Brian Williams' claim that an IED blew off his limb while reporting in Afghanistan and that he sewed it back on during his return flight to the United States «»