Monday | April 27, 2015
NAMBLA To Support Mark Foley
Mark Foley in happier days.

NEW YORK (CAP) - Citing a "philosophical kinship of karmic proportions," the North American Man/Boy Love Association (NAMBLA) has announced that it is planning on throwing its full support behind the re-election of embattled page-enamored ex-Congressman Mark Foley.

"Mark and I see eye to eye, which is not an easy feat when you're on your knees," NAMBLA spokesman Bradley "Uncle Brad" White told reporters from the steps of a Queens post office where NAMBLA is headquartered. "Plus, homeboy just has some great moves. My NAMBLA brothers and I are huge fans."

Uncle Brad pointed to some of the many Foley accomplishments that make him a hero of the NAMBLA movement and a shoe-in for this year's NAMBLA Bronze Boy Magnet award. From his co-chairmanship of the Congressional Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus to the 47 boys to whom he was a Big Brother, Foley always held himself up as a defender of children and "the go-to guy when a boy just needed a man," claimed Uncle Brad.

And then there were the Blow Pops.

"One of the first things that Mark did upon his election to Congress was to make the official NAMBLA candy, the Blow Pop, the official candy of Congress. I can still remember the photo-op: middle-aged men and pages, all with Blow Pops puffing out their cheeks. It was beautiful, man," Uncle Brad said, his eye and voice trailing away as a school bus seductively rolled down the street.

Despite the fact that Mark Foley is not seeking to retain his seat, Uncle Brad said that NAMBLA will host a series of camping trip fundraisers over the next month.

In related news... A source close to Mark Foley has confirmed to CAP News that the ex-Congressman has entered a rehab facility to treat his alcoholism.

"Mark doesn't like little boys," the anonymous source said. "Jim Beam though, that bastard loves 'em long time."

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «»