Wednesday | May 27, 2015
NAMBLA To Support Mark Foley
Mark Foley in happier days.

NEW YORK (CAP) - Citing a "philosophical kinship of karmic proportions," the North American Man/Boy Love Association (NAMBLA) has announced that it is planning on throwing its full support behind the re-election of embattled page-enamored ex-Congressman Mark Foley.

"Mark and I see eye to eye, which is not an easy feat when you're on your knees," NAMBLA spokesman Bradley "Uncle Brad" White told reporters from the steps of a Queens post office where NAMBLA is headquartered. "Plus, homeboy just has some great moves. My NAMBLA brothers and I are huge fans."

Uncle Brad pointed to some of the many Foley accomplishments that make him a hero of the NAMBLA movement and a shoe-in for this year's NAMBLA Bronze Boy Magnet award. From his co-chairmanship of the Congressional Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus to the 47 boys to whom he was a Big Brother, Foley always held himself up as a defender of children and "the go-to guy when a boy just needed a man," claimed Uncle Brad.

And then there were the Blow Pops.

"One of the first things that Mark did upon his election to Congress was to make the official NAMBLA candy, the Blow Pop, the official candy of Congress. I can still remember the photo-op: middle-aged men and pages, all with Blow Pops puffing out their cheeks. It was beautiful, man," Uncle Brad said, his eye and voice trailing away as a school bus seductively rolled down the street.

Despite the fact that Mark Foley is not seeking to retain his seat, Uncle Brad said that NAMBLA will host a series of camping trip fundraisers over the next month.

In related news... A source close to Mark Foley has confirmed to CAP News that the ex-Congressman has entered a rehab facility to treat his alcoholism.

"Mark doesn't like little boys," the anonymous source said. "Jim Beam though, that bastard loves 'em long time."

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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NJ Gov. Chris Christie shuts down Rt 93 in New Hampshire during campaign stops to remind residents why it would be in their interest to elect him president «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» JP Morgan Chase to dismantle Detroit and sell it for parts, saying the demand overseas for after market American cities is strong «» Taylor Swift reveals she was behind extreme censoring of Kanye West song at Billboard Music Awards, telling him "Imma not let you finish" «» ISIS rebels capture another Iraqi city Americans have never heard of but are led to believe is "very important" «» America's homophobes lobby in favor of gay marriage to "keep them off the streets" and protect the sanctity of the bar scene for straight men «» NFL announces plans to give up its law exempt status and will have players stop committing crimes and start obeying the law beginning next season «» Protesters in Baltimore are congratulating themselves on "a job well done" and say Freddie Gray would have wanted nothing more than for them to destroy their hometown and all get arrested «»