Sunday | December 21, 2014
NAMBLA To Support Mark Foley
Mark Foley in happier days.

NEW YORK (CAP) - Citing a "philosophical kinship of karmic proportions," the North American Man/Boy Love Association (NAMBLA) has announced that it is planning on throwing its full support behind the re-election of embattled page-enamored ex-Congressman Mark Foley.

"Mark and I see eye to eye, which is not an easy feat when you're on your knees," NAMBLA spokesman Bradley "Uncle Brad" White told reporters from the steps of a Queens post office where NAMBLA is headquartered. "Plus, homeboy just has some great moves. My NAMBLA brothers and I are huge fans."

Uncle Brad pointed to some of the many Foley accomplishments that make him a hero of the NAMBLA movement and a shoe-in for this year's NAMBLA Bronze Boy Magnet award. From his co-chairmanship of the Congressional Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus to the 47 boys to whom he was a Big Brother, Foley always held himself up as a defender of children and "the go-to guy when a boy just needed a man," claimed Uncle Brad.

And then there were the Blow Pops.

"One of the first things that Mark did upon his election to Congress was to make the official NAMBLA candy, the Blow Pop, the official candy of Congress. I can still remember the photo-op: middle-aged men and pages, all with Blow Pops puffing out their cheeks. It was beautiful, man," Uncle Brad said, his eye and voice trailing away as a school bus seductively rolled down the street.

Despite the fact that Mark Foley is not seeking to retain his seat, Uncle Brad said that NAMBLA will host a series of camping trip fundraisers over the next month.

In related news... A source close to Mark Foley has confirmed to CAP News that the ex-Congressman has entered a rehab facility to treat his alcoholism.

"Mark doesn't like little boys," the anonymous source said. "Jim Beam though, that bastard loves 'em long time."

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «» Speaker of the House John Boehner admits slipping Joe Biden $20 to pants President Obama to find out if he's a boxers or briefs guy «» North Pole mainframe hacked and Kim Jong-un's name moved to 'Good' list; North Korea denies responsibility «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «»