Wednesday | July 1, 2015
NAMBLA To Support Mark Foley
Mark Foley in happier days.

NEW YORK (CAP) - Citing a "philosophical kinship of karmic proportions," the North American Man/Boy Love Association (NAMBLA) has announced that it is planning on throwing its full support behind the re-election of embattled page-enamored ex-Congressman Mark Foley.

"Mark and I see eye to eye, which is not an easy feat when you're on your knees," NAMBLA spokesman Bradley "Uncle Brad" White told reporters from the steps of a Queens post office where NAMBLA is headquartered. "Plus, homeboy just has some great moves. My NAMBLA brothers and I are huge fans."

Uncle Brad pointed to some of the many Foley accomplishments that make him a hero of the NAMBLA movement and a shoe-in for this year's NAMBLA Bronze Boy Magnet award. From his co-chairmanship of the Congressional Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus to the 47 boys to whom he was a Big Brother, Foley always held himself up as a defender of children and "the go-to guy when a boy just needed a man," claimed Uncle Brad.

And then there were the Blow Pops.

"One of the first things that Mark did upon his election to Congress was to make the official NAMBLA candy, the Blow Pop, the official candy of Congress. I can still remember the photo-op: middle-aged men and pages, all with Blow Pops puffing out their cheeks. It was beautiful, man," Uncle Brad said, his eye and voice trailing away as a school bus seductively rolled down the street.

Despite the fact that Mark Foley is not seeking to retain his seat, Uncle Brad said that NAMBLA will host a series of camping trip fundraisers over the next month.

In related news... A source close to Mark Foley has confirmed to CAP News that the ex-Congressman has entered a rehab facility to treat his alcoholism.

"Mark doesn't like little boys," the anonymous source said. "Jim Beam though, that bastard loves 'em long time."

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» Rick Perry to announce his 2016 presidential bid during opening statements of his public corruption trial «» Hillary Clinton accuses Rand Paul of crank calling her at 3am but the NSA has no phone records with which to prove it «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie shuts down Rt 93 in New Hampshire during campaign stops to remind residents why it would be in their interest to elect him president «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «» US State Department confirms that an airstrike has killed top al Qaeda leader Myhstar Belmyhstar in the Syrian port city of Kyrie «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «»