Thursday | October 30, 2014
North Korea Fires A Couple Missiles For Attention
Kim Jong-un leans forward to push a button to launch a missile, or do the hokey pokey - we're not sure which.

PYONGYANG, North Korea (CAP) - Reports out of the Pentagon say North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has launched a couple of missiles at a pair of uninhabited islands off the coast of that country, apparently upset that "nobody paying attention to us anymore." One missile landed harmlessly in the water, and the other destroyed a grove of trees.

"Satellite imagery shows these to be the new D Class of Attention-Seeking missile," Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel said. "But we're not too concerned because we did pick them up on our Early BS Detection System."

According to the South Korean news agency, Kim Jong-un had grown despondent as the world turned its focus away from his nation and toward Africa and the Middle East. He was reportedly pouting and stomping his feet so much that he had to have surgery to repair torn cartilage and has been walking with a cane ever since.

"You think Ebola so big and bad?" Kim said in a prepared statement. "You just wait until you contract case of Kim Jongitis, or Missilethelioma! Then you know pain!"

Experts say the enormity of the international focus on Ebola has clearly put a cramp in Kim Jong-un's narcissistic style. They point out that the only thing worse than an insane dictator is an insane dictator nobody is paying attention to.

"Actually, we're planning on sending Dennis Rodman back over there to keep an eye on things," said Deputy Secretary of Defense Robert Work. "Think Jack Black in Gulliver's Travels, but with more tattoos and piercings."

The White House released a statement saying that despite appearances to the contrary, President Obama has not forgotten about North Korea, noting that he had recently sent Kim Jong-un a Thinking Of You card. However, Obama said he never received a response.

"Sure, he doesn't have any problem finding the time to forward me all those emails," said Obama. "And if I get one more Instagram of what that guy had for lunch, I'm going to lose it.

"Listen, the leader of the free world sends you a note or soft money or thousands of troops to keep your ass in line, uhh, the least you can do is acknowledge it," he added.

According to CAP News sources inside North Korea, Kim Jong-un plans to continue launching missiles at arbitrary targets until he receives "the attention deserving of a despot" and may even bump off a few more family members to really drive the point home.

- CAP News Staff

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