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WASHINGTON (CAP) - The spinach-E. coli outbreak currently sweeping across the country took an unexpected twist yesterday when representatives of the State Department and FDA pointed fingers at an unlikely source: the Taliban.
"In an effort to cut down on poppy production in Afghanistan, we convinced farmers to take up other crops," FDA Assistant Secretary of Vegetables Hugh Lexor said at yesterday's press conference. "One of those crops was indeed spinach. We are currently looking into the possibility that this Afghan spinach, manufactured under the name Qurapp Ai, is responsible for the recent E. coli situation."
In addition to Qurapp Ai Spinach, federal officials are also warning against consumption of other Middle Eastern products, most notably Little Dubai Snack Cakes and CamelToe Creamy Toffee.
The White House meanwhile is using the recent food scare to renew a push on its pledge to use CIA secret prisons as a taste-testing "wall" to protect the American food supply.
"Listen, it's really simple. These folks we've got force-feeding the terrorists being held are professionals," President Bush assured reporters at a rare White House Veggie Garden press conference. "Some in the Congress think we shouldn't make these terrorists clean their plates. I - well, I say that's flawed logic that is just faulty.
"If this plan had been in place, it'd be a little brown man and not a patriotic American puking and crapping himself, dammit."
The president then reiterated a point he's been pushing home all week: if Congress will not let him force-feed terrorists, then he won't feed them at all.
"Let them eat Koran, heh heh," President Bush briefly quipped before once again slipping into exasperation, irritation and muddled rage.
Congress is expected to take up the Freedom Foe Food Safety Act later this week.