Saturday | April 18, 2015
9/11 Apathy Strikes Terrorists
Terrorists chose the beach over jihad on this year's 9/11.

NEW YORK (CAP) - Researchers at the American Institute for Terrorism Studies have published their post-9/11 analysis of the so-called "9/11 effect", and the results are creating a buzz from Washington to Wasit.

"Americans by and large were very supportive, very solemn on 9/11," said chief researcher Dr. Charles Parrish. "Those in other countries ran the gamut from sort of supportive to encore, encore! It's when we get into the sub-categories, like terrorists, that the numbers get really interesting."

In this year's results, 62% of terrorists were not planning anything special on 9/11, a whopping 20% had no idea what 9/11 signified, and only 8% were planning some form of 9/11 remembrance activity - usually in the form of a brisk game or Risk or shooting rifles three or four times in the air.

Mohammed A. from Kirkut polled with the majority.

"I said to Ahmed, Oh my Allah, do you know what tomorrow is? and he says Rotate your camel's shoes day? and I said No, 9/11! Should we do something, like have a party or blow something up? and he kind of shrugs and says Whatever, dude," Mohammed recounted for CAP News' Gerald Rivera.

"We ended up just staying in and watching the Pinocchio marathon on Baghdad ABC," added Mohammed. "And rotating the camel's shoes."

Dr. Parrish is hopeful that this apathy will fade as the 15th anniversary of the Twin Towers' destruction draws closer.

"Any time we mark a special day, it will always mean more if there is some sort of adversarial edge to it," said Dr. Parrish. "With Christmas, it's the Christians vs. the Santanistas. On Valentine's Day, it's those in love vs. the morbidly obese and the butt-ugly who couldn't get laid if they were an egg.

"For 9/11, the day will have more emotional impact if you're constantly in fear of a dirty bomb going off right next to you," Parrish added. "It's human nature."

The complete results of the AITS study can be found in next month's issue of Them Magazine.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

SHARE STORY
MORE u.s. NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
Utah becomes first state to offer stoning as death penalty option, saying it's a criminal's right to have their head bashed in «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» New York latest state to ban sneezing while driving, calling it the third most distracting event for drivers behind texting and masturbation «» Justice Department issues subpoena for all computer files related to Hillary Clinton's 2012 online journal, "My Benghazi Blog" «» President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «» Massachusetts courts upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «»
Utah becomes first state to offer stoning as death penalty option, saying it's a criminal's right to have their head bashed in «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» New York latest state to ban sneezing while driving, calling it the third most distracting event for drivers behind texting and masturbation «» Justice Department issues subpoena for all computer files related to Hillary Clinton's 2012 online journal, "My Benghazi Blog" «» President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «» Massachusetts courts upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «»