Wednesday | March 4, 2015
9/11 Apathy Strikes Terrorists
Terrorists chose the beach over jihad on this year's 9/11.

NEW YORK (CAP) - Researchers at the American Institute for Terrorism Studies have published their post-9/11 analysis of the so-called "9/11 effect", and the results are creating a buzz from Washington to Wasit.

"Americans by and large were very supportive, very solemn on 9/11," said chief researcher Dr. Charles Parrish. "Those in other countries ran the gamut from sort of supportive to encore, encore! It's when we get into the sub-categories, like terrorists, that the numbers get really interesting."

In this year's results, 62% of terrorists were not planning anything special on 9/11, a whopping 20% had no idea what 9/11 signified, and only 8% were planning some form of 9/11 remembrance activity - usually in the form of a brisk game or Risk or shooting rifles three or four times in the air.

Mohammed A. from Kirkut polled with the majority.

"I said to Ahmed, Oh my Allah, do you know what tomorrow is? and he says Rotate your camel's shoes day? and I said No, 9/11! Should we do something, like have a party or blow something up? and he kind of shrugs and says Whatever, dude," Mohammed recounted for CAP News' Gerald Rivera.

"We ended up just staying in and watching the Pinocchio marathon on Baghdad ABC," added Mohammed. "And rotating the camel's shoes."

Dr. Parrish is hopeful that this apathy will fade as the 15th anniversary of the Twin Towers' destruction draws closer.

"Any time we mark a special day, it will always mean more if there is some sort of adversarial edge to it," said Dr. Parrish. "With Christmas, it's the Christians vs. the Santanistas. On Valentine's Day, it's those in love vs. the morbidly obese and the butt-ugly who couldn't get laid if they were an egg.

"For 9/11, the day will have more emotional impact if you're constantly in fear of a dirty bomb going off right next to you," Parrish added. "It's human nature."

The complete results of the AITS study can be found in next month's issue of Them Magazine.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

SHARE STORY
MORE u.s. NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» American comedians announce indefinite hiatus on "smelly Frenchman" jokes to give nation time to heal, will heckle Portuguese instead «» Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to have leg replacement surgery, expects to be back in time for playoffs «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» White House upset President Obama wasn't told Benjamin Netanyahu would be guest caller for Congressional Bingo Night «» FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «» Experts question Brian Williams' claim that an IED blew off his limb while reporting in Afghanistan and that he sewed it back on during his return flight to the United States «»
President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» American comedians announce indefinite hiatus on "smelly Frenchman" jokes to give nation time to heal, will heckle Portuguese instead «» Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to have leg replacement surgery, expects to be back in time for playoffs «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» White House upset President Obama wasn't told Benjamin Netanyahu would be guest caller for Congressional Bingo Night «» FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «» Experts question Brian Williams' claim that an IED blew off his limb while reporting in Afghanistan and that he sewed it back on during his return flight to the United States «»