Saturday | May 23, 2015
9/11 Apathy Strikes Terrorists
Terrorists chose the beach over jihad on this year's 9/11.

NEW YORK (CAP) - Researchers at the American Institute for Terrorism Studies have published their post-9/11 analysis of the so-called "9/11 effect", and the results are creating a buzz from Washington to Wasit.

"Americans by and large were very supportive, very solemn on 9/11," said chief researcher Dr. Charles Parrish. "Those in other countries ran the gamut from sort of supportive to encore, encore! It's when we get into the sub-categories, like terrorists, that the numbers get really interesting."

In this year's results, 62% of terrorists were not planning anything special on 9/11, a whopping 20% had no idea what 9/11 signified, and only 8% were planning some form of 9/11 remembrance activity - usually in the form of a brisk game or Risk or shooting rifles three or four times in the air.

Mohammed A. from Kirkut polled with the majority.

"I said to Ahmed, Oh my Allah, do you know what tomorrow is? and he says Rotate your camel's shoes day? and I said No, 9/11! Should we do something, like have a party or blow something up? and he kind of shrugs and says Whatever, dude," Mohammed recounted for CAP News' Gerald Rivera.

"We ended up just staying in and watching the Pinocchio marathon on Baghdad ABC," added Mohammed. "And rotating the camel's shoes."

Dr. Parrish is hopeful that this apathy will fade as the 15th anniversary of the Twin Towers' destruction draws closer.

"Any time we mark a special day, it will always mean more if there is some sort of adversarial edge to it," said Dr. Parrish. "With Christmas, it's the Christians vs. the Santanistas. On Valentine's Day, it's those in love vs. the morbidly obese and the butt-ugly who couldn't get laid if they were an egg.

"For 9/11, the day will have more emotional impact if you're constantly in fear of a dirty bomb going off right next to you," Parrish added. "It's human nature."

The complete results of the AITS study can be found in next month's issue of Them Magazine.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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America's homophobes lobby in favor of gay marriage to "keep them off the streets" and protect the sanctity of the bar scene for straight men «» Protesters in Baltimore are congratulating themselves on "a job well done" and say Freddie Gray would have wanted nothing more than for them to destroy their hometown and all get arrested «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» Utah becomes first state to offer stoning as death penalty option, saying it's a criminal's right to have their head bashed in «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» New York latest state to ban sneezing while driving, calling it the third most distracting event for drivers behind texting and masturbation «» Justice Department issues subpoena for all computer files related to Hillary Clinton's 2012 online journal, "My Benghazi Blog" «» JP Morgan Chase to dismantle Detroit and sell it for parts, saying the demand overseas for after market American cities is strong «» Taylor Swift reveals she was behind extreme censoring of Kanye West song at Billboard Music Awards, telling him "Imma not let you finish" «»